"The Starter Wife" is...

1. The name of the nail polish I'm wearing (very sheer pink with a little pearlescence)
2. The name of the new USA comedy starring Debra Messing and Judy Davis. Thursdays at 9.

Both are mindless summer fun.

Huh?

Yesterday's outing was a mani/pedi at the cheapo place in the hood. I didn't go with my usual indulgence at Sava because I know I will be getting another one next week with some friends. Why pay extra for quality when I will be indulging again before I need another round?

Anyway, because this is the cheapo place, it's not as quiet as my usual zen-like cappuccino-serving sanctuary. This is an air-conditioning unit above the door kind of place. The loudness induced one of those, "Oh, right. I'm kind of deaf" moments.

I used to find myself in a situation that I thought was common, but now that I understand I've been slightly hearing impaired for a while, I'm not so sure. You know when you ask someone to repeat themselves and you still don't understand? Typically I ask one more time. After that it's just embarrassing, so I act like I know what was said and offer some vague and non-committal gesture. I'm sure I've unwittingly put myself in some Seinfeldian puffy-shirt situations.

So here I am in the cheapo salon, and the pedicurist is saying something to me. But with all that ambient noise, damn if I could hear her. I saw the lips moving - but literally heard no sound. And she kept looking away during her sentence to check the (noisy) swirling water at the base of the pedi chair. Here was the problem. She was clearly asking me a question, and was awaiting an answer. No answer - no pedi. I asked her to repeat herself no less than five times. I kid you not. I kept moving my good ear closer and closer to her until she probably thought I was going to sit on her lap.

Aaaghh! I'm going to have to get better at this. I see a lip reading course in my future. In the meantime, don't be surprised if I'm wearing a pirate shirt the next time you see me.

Mickey's got game

Update on the geriatric pitchers.

93 year old Mickey Werner won the day in yesterday's game. These guys are amazing. Take a look at the videos in the attached articles.

Newsday coverage (my only problem with this video is the unfortunate AV synch with "80 years of ball under his belt)

Eyewitness News coverage

Stop the madness

Although I may not be entirely physically ready (but getting there!), there are some VERY strong signs that it's time to go back to work. Specifically, these are some of the things I did today:

1. Posted a comment on a blog about waffle irons. I am one hundred percent serious. What could I possibly have to say about waffle irons? Something, apparently. (Here's what I said)
   
2. Purged and reorganized my sock drawer and then decided socks make good dust rags because you can put your hand inside. There are about 50 of them in a bag under my sink right now, and I even took the time to separate them all for easier access when I get a dusting whim.
   
3. Watched four hour long episodes in a row of "Shear Genius" - the hair version of "Project Runway" - hosted by Jaclyn Smith. I only stopped watching because Terry came home from work and insisted I stop. I actually suggested he might like it because he liked Charlie's Angels when he was a kid, and I was serious.
   

What has happened to me?

That's a lot of innings

I covered a lot of ground this weekend, and even though I slept late, I admit I was really tired today. But then I heard a story on the radio that made me realize I have absolutely no right to feel even the slightest lack of energy. I would be happy to be doing anything at 93, let alone playing softball. I hope they have a lot of cheerleaders at the game tomorrow - these guys deserve them.

Pitchers Ages 93 and 86 Faceoff in Senior Softball League

BALDWIN HARBOR, N.Y. (AP) -- As Yankee fans wonder if Roger Clemens still has what it takes at age 44 -- two pitchers in the Long Island Senior Softball League will be facing off -- 93-year-old Mickey Werner going against 86-year-old Paul Rotter.

The game is at 11 a.m. Wednesday at Baldwin Park in Baldwin Harbor.

Werner, a retired New York City Phys-Ed Teacher, has been playing ball since 1927 --the year Babe Ruth hit 60 homers.

Rotter, a resident of Woodmere, is a retired Special Education Teacher and has been playing ball since 1936 - when Joe DiMaggio was a rookie with the Yankees.

The teams are sponsored by the Bristal Assisted Living Communities and are made up of players at least 68 years of age.

The combined ball-playing experience on the two teams is 2,880 years, according to a spokesman for the teams.

Link to the article

Help for those who can't help themselves

Ever notice how often the very people suffering from a particular grievance are the same ones unable to take advantage of the solution? Like those signs in the subway that offer help to illiterates. Simply call the 1800 for a range of free services. If only they could read the signs, I'm sure we could solve the problem.

While mostly literate, apartment dwellers have their own set of grievances. We love the way we live, yet it's hard not to acknowledge small points of suffering compared to our house-living compatriots. Points of envy:
- Built in parking (aka: driveways)
- Washers and dryers
- Gardens
- Outside grills
- Stairs
- Storage: garages, attics and basements

Yet more proof that in life those that have just keep getting, take a look at this cool idea. If you have stairs, convert them into even more storage. Perhaps a place to store your barbecue tools and garage door openers. Bastards.

Here's a link to the blog where I saw this:

http://adesignerseye.blogspot.com/2007/05/indulgences_27.html

Note to self: buy country house

The truth is, I'd be a terrible country home owner. So I love mooching off the kindness of good hosts. We visited a few friends in the Pennsylvania area for the long weekend. The first stop was in Bucks County and we rounded out the holiday in Mt. Bethel on the Deleware River. Farm houses are peaceful spots - perfect for surgical recovery.

Saturday was spent poolside perusing old pictures with a childhood friend (I love old farmhouses - especially those equipped with all the modern luxuries):

Sunday morning in the River House brought a wonderful get-well wish from my friend, Troy. Breakfast in bed, complete with another homemade card for my collection.

Breakfast shored me up for a marathon game tournament on the porch:

Tired out from Racko, Super Four and Mastermind, this is pretty much what I did for the rest of the weekend:

Early departure

Memorial Day Weekenders are not the only ones ducking out early today.

Rosie is not returning to The View following Wednesday's smack down between her and Elizabeth Hasselbeck. They always fight, but this one was different and got extremely personal. I heard rumors that Rosie trashed her dressing room after the show. She did post on her blog that night that she wouldn't return, so today isn't surprising, just official.

TMZ's report:

Rosie to Leave "The View"

Posted May 25th 2007 3:10PM by TMZ Staff
Filed under: TV, Rosie O'Donnell

ABC has just announced that Rosie O'Donnell will not be back on "The View."

Brian Frons, President of ABC Daytime, issued the following statement:
"We had hoped that Rosie would be with us until the end of her contract three weeks from now, but Rosie has informed us that she would like an early leave. Therefore, we part ways, thank her for her tremendous contribution to 'The View' and wish her well."

Barbara Walters said "I brought Rosie to the show. Rosie contributed to one of our most exciting and successful years at "The View." I am most appreciative. Our close and affectionate relationship will not change."

For her part, Rosie said "I'm extremely grateful. It's been an amazing year and I love all three women."

Nesting: surgical side effect

There is something about being home all the time during the cold light of day that forces me to notice all the unfinished home improvement projects around this apartment. We have lived here happily for two and a half years, but after staring at these walls day in and day out for many weeks, all of a sudden I can not tolerate our undecorated bedroom. Not for one more MINUTE.

Why it's not a good idea to decorate while you are recovering from brain surgery: installing sconces is unbearably noisy when the walls in your bedroom are concrete. The demolition for these innocently unassuming swing arm lamps took a full day. Wires had to be run over the closet and down the next wall. Mmmm. Jackhammers. Soothing.

Another brain surgery decorating challenge: when you've got nothing but time on your hands, it's really hard to make decisions. Should the trim be decorator's white or super white? Took almost half an hour of staring at two nearly identical paint chips to decide.

When it comes to these tough decisions regarding the interior design of our living space, poor Terence, like most normal guys, could not care less. Yet I insist that he take part. If I sense he's just humoring me, I get really indignant: "You live here, too! You need to participate. I can't do this all myself." Terence knows the truth. I want to do it all myself, and then I want him to agree with my decisions without letting on that he's not heard a word I've said and is actually watching the Mets game. Assurance is very comforting, but not if it's not heartfelt. Like any good account guy, he's learned how to fake sincerity.

In choosing the color for the walls, I spread out about 107 (no lie) different paint chips for Terry - just what he was hoping to come home to at the end of a long day. He looked at me with a puzzled and weary expression and said, "Aren't these all the same color?" I am horrified. "No, Terence! This is a wide spectrum all the way from 'bland' to 'obnoxious.' We have to find exactly the one that is sophisticated without being boring. I don't think you grasp the gravity of this decision. We will have to wake up to this color every day." He realizes his mistake and says, "Oh,you are so right. Let me take a closer look," as he switches the TV behind me to the game.

After a lengthy elimination process, (Terry and) I selected two shades to paint in a patch on the wall for the final decision. When the sample size of my favorite color came home from the hardware store, I was confronted with a mortifying "stamp of approval" right there on the top of the jar. Of the millions of colors I could have selected, I chose the exact blue from the "Pottery Barn Summer of 2007" collection. You've probably noticed, this is their new thing. They specify the Benjamin Moore colors featured in their catalogs. Smart. But if I go with this color it means I will have a bedroom that is the exact same color as everyone in America who redid their house this summer. Whether this caused prejudice or not, it's impossible to say, but when I saw the color on the wall I did not like it. Pedestrian taste crisis narrowly avoided.

During this particular project, Terry did express genuine interest once. I was thinking of white wood blinds behind drapery panels for the window treatment. Terry asks a practical question, "Is white going to block the light out as well as a darker color would? The sun rises on that side of the building." Logically, I think out loud that wood is an opaque material so it shouldn't matter what color it is. On the other hand, some light will inevitably seep around the edges of the blinds. Wouldn't a dark color absorb more of that overflow? After a few minutes of arguing both sides of this debate myself, I ask Terry to weigh in now that I've laid out the myriad points to consider. He looks at me and says, "I would rather sleep with sun in my eyes for the rest of my life and pay double for the blinds themselves than discuss this for one more minute. I am so sorry I brought it up. Let's go with white." Long pause..."Ok. But are you saying you want white because you want white or because you think I want white and you want me to think you want white? Terence, are you listening to me? Can you turn off the Mets game?"

More commercials

Someone asked me to post more ads.

These are not funny, but I think they are great. Of course, I'm completely biased because I was part of the team that created them some years back. We got written up in Communication Arts and won all kinds of awards including ADDYs and even a Gold Effie (all a big deal in my line of work. Very thrilling).

We hired madman, Tony Kaye to shoot these and he was brilliant. (I know not everyone has had a good experience working with him. He is infamous for many reasons. One of the craziest stories I've heard is the time he had a disagreement with the Agency team at McCann about the ending scene of a spot and left the set without shooting it the way they wanted. He then paid all the actors in the spot to fly to an undisclosed location for a while so McCann couldn't reshoot the ending with another director. Nice.)

Some of these have been airing lately - I know they like to run them around Mother's and Father's Day - and they make me smile every time I see them. I think "Frogs" is my favorite. It really was the first time that little boy had seen a frog and it was just hilarious and adorable. But even better, we got it on film.

Enjoy.

Johnson & Johnson Corporate Campaign

Update: Some have reported issues with the link. If you can't see them from the above, try this one. You'll have to individually click on the "Having a Baby Changes Everything" links from this page.

http://www.jnj.com/our_company/our_videos/index.htm#baby

Heady issues

I have learned that the term "headache" is too general to be meaningful. It's like only having the word "food" to adequately describe everything you ate yesterday.

For the past week and a half I have experienced a whole new kind of headache. Allow me to enlighten. This is not your normal general kind of ache that many of us get after a long day (or a long night). I have shooting pains in my actual skull. The bone. The head wrapper, if you will. It's quite an unsettling experience.

I have a feeling it's happening because I'm moving my head around a wider radius these days. So the muscles in my neck and around my head are probably moving and stretching over the healing bone, which must still be tender. This sounds logical to me. (I'm right back to my old ways: self diagnosis has long been a gift of mine.)

The question I have: will this always be a problem? The bone will never fuse back together, after all. It now has a titanium frame around it and is screwed into my skull. Is it just tender because it's healing or is it actually shifting around slightly in response to movement around it? No matter how much time passes, wouldn't it always hurt to have your skull shifting around like a lopsided tomato crate?

And my scar has started peeling again. What's up with that?

Wah, wah, wah...


Update: during a conversation with a good friend, I had an a-ha moment. Very Dr. House like. Perhaps the increase in pain is because the nerves are starting to regenerate and places that were dead are now hurting. Anyway - it's very odd being aware of your skull as a distinct body part.

The most romantic season finale EVER

Right off the bat, our host Chris Harrison lets us know this will be "the most romantic season finale EVER". And it was hard to deny with "Love Lift Us Up" playing in the background. To set the mood, ABC decides to recap "the emotional journey to the final two" for us. Emotional, indeed.

Bevin's emotional journey:

• The medic? No, the DOCTOR
• The electricity
• The "displaced fracture"
• The Spanx
• The boozy casino hotel night
• The divorce confession
• The underwater kissing
• The electricity

Tessa's emotional journey:

• The muffin joke
• The "sharing Andy" hissy fit
• Operation make Tessa chase Andy
• The snowball
• The best friend
• The Saturday Night Fever suit
• The, like, feelings

Off to Lancaster, PA. The minute I see Andy's grandparents, I feel bad that I ever made fun of their grandson. How cute are they? 60 years of marriage. Love lift us up.

Once the warm fuzzies wear off, I realize Andy does not look like he is related to any of the people in that living room. Do you think he's adopted? Or maybe ABC hired actors to play the parts? I'm sorry - especially that "sister." They are not from the same gene pool.

As I ponder the genetic mystery, candidate number one arrives. What was with Tessa showing up empty handed? You're going to visit your potential future in-laws and you don't bring a bottle of wine? A bag of chips? A newspaper? Maybe she could have made a snowball for them on the front yard.

Almost immediately, Grandpa reveals that behind that adorable exterior he's a dirty old man at heart. He tells Andy with a gleam in his eye, "When I think back to my youth, when I was a lot like you, she would have really appealed to me!" Then they both give the thumbs up. Grandpa later asks Tessa about her religious affiliation and seems relieved to hear she's not too much of a stickler about her Catholic upbringing. Grandpa, you dog!

Andy again proves he is the master of the obvious with this boneheaded comment: "It's definitely hard for a family to meet two girlfriends in one day."

On to the next applicant. As Andy walks Bevin into the house (yellow roses. nice) he offers the smoking gun that tells me he is not related to these people, "Here it is. Here's my family!" It? As in, the one that was delivered by central casting this morning to this "house" that is actually constructed on a back lot at Universal Studios? Whatever. I decide to go with the flow.

Meanwhile, Bevin must have picked up on Grandpa's vibe. She tries to guarantee his vote with a mention of the two causes she's dedicating her professional life to: Alzheimer's and increasing libido in menopausal women. Did you see Gramps perk up? Jackpot.

Also, Gramma must have been a number in her day, because 1. she's married to Gramps, afterall and 2. she and Bevin were obviously kindred spirits. Her advice? "Make it happen." Go, Granny!

Grandpa cuts to the chase during the family meeting: "The reason Andy is having such a hard time - and I think I can understand it - he's turned on by Bevin. [Afterall, who wouldn't be? Did you get a load of those gams? Not to mention her, well, let's just say, she's a brick house, that Bevin. Reminds me of your Grandmother.]"

Back to Hawaii - these kids are doing a LOT of flying. Speaking of flying - WHAT was with the helicopter freakout? That uncontrollable nervous laugh of Bevin's was starting to put ME on edge. It made me think Andy should run a background check to make sure there were no periods of institutionalism. Is B'hai another word for "lock-down"?

Just as I'm starting to lose focus on the romantic theme, our host Chris reminds me at the header of the commercial break that we're about to witness "the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history." Immediately back from the break, Andy shouts to the ocean, "So romantic! Are you kidding me?!" And then it happens. Andy says the most romantic thing ever, "I'm in freakin love." That has been Andy's signature line since the sixth grade. Works every freakin time.

How did Andy describe his date with Bevin? "I had a really romantic evening with Bevin last night." And what about the afternoon with Tessa? "Riding on the beach with Tessa was so romantic."

Caught up by the romance of it all, Tessa lays her heart on the line. She tells Andy she has, like, fallen in love with him. His response? With the inflection of a telemarketer, "Well, I love YOU, Tessa Leigh*." Not, "I freakin love you, Tessa"? Oh my God, she's toast. But I underestimate her. Tessa pulls out a picture collage. I believe that a picture collage, complete with magazine cutouts, is not something you should make for the man you hope to marry. Unless you meet him while you're in the seventh grade. Or summer camp. But I forget what we're dealing with here, and of course, it works. Andy's response? "I freakin love you. You know that? I freakin love you." Oh, the freakin romance.

And the suspense! Who will get that final rose? And if Bevin expects to have a chance in hell, why the Farah Fawcett hair - again!? It is not flattering, Bev. Sure enough, it's the end of the road for Bevin. And I truly felt sorry for her. Especially when Andy says, "I want you to know this is not a rejection. [Now get your #%s out of here. The other limmo is pulling up. Chris? Where's Chris. Get her outta here. Oh, God. She's crying on my suit.]"

Bevin is understandably crushed. Bev, there's an old man in Lancaster who would never reject you. Give him a call. I think his wife is a swinger.

God help me, I cried during the proposal. Love lift us up. What can I say, it was the most romantic season finale EVER!

We may know who got the final rose, but two questions remain:
1. What is the story behind the dog tags? Tonight was not the first appearance - they showed up on Tessa's hometown date as well, but there has never been an explanation.
2. Is it me, or did Andy's teeth suddenly turn yellow?

Bonus episode tonight - perhaps the answers will be revealed.


*I think he said "Tessa Leigh". I can find no record of her middle name anywhere, but I did find out her mother's maiden name is "Li". So maybe it's actually "Tessa Li". Or maybe he said something else entirely.

General Lee Update

The General Lee was just taken out for a promotional spin by John Schneider. Video below. No bidders yet - it's not too late to own this baby. How great would it be to honk the horn behind a slow poke at the drive through?

http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=909829133

How proud are we?

Another milestone: I attended a large stadium event yesterday. I won't lie, it was uncomfortable and I only heard about a quarter of the speeches, but I would not have missed it.

My sister in law (and fellow brain surgery survivor), Clementina, received her Masters of Special Education from Hofstra University yesterday. She graduated "With Distinction" having received at least an A in every single course except two. In those two "sub-par" performances she garnered a B+. She used to be an analyst at Solomon Smith Barney (later Legg Mason) and worked almost the entire time she was earning her degree. Her professor/mentor and the Dean of the school have each told Clem they would like to see her continue on with a Doctorate degree. They know talent when they see it, and Clementina is all that.

Speaking of talent, the commencement speakers were Sen. Chuck Schummer and Ken Chenault (Chairman and CEO of American Express) and of what I could hear, both were amazingly inspirational.

As for me, happy to have have had a reason to put on a dress (with flats, of course) and make it to a "real" public event. But it was not a piece of cake. Navigating my way through a crowd required an unbelievable amount of concentration as did discerning the words of the speeches amidst the overwhelmingly loud sounds around me. It wore me out. I think this last stage of recovery will be hastened by putting myself in these kind of situations as well as everyday things like dinner out, movies and the subway (dreading this one). I need to build up stamina and (hopefully!) get to a point where I require less intent focus on things that should be second nature. Getting there - bit by bit.

In debt and ready to teach, Clementina with my brother (her husband):

The graduate and her proud parents:

Leavin the hood

I paid for it the next day, but I made it out of Washington Heights on Wednesday night. I took a car service down and met my family at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. We were guests at a small reception MSKCC holds every year to honor the Group Affiliates that raise money for their research efforts. There is always a keynote speaker and it's a real privilege to gather in such an intimate setting and hear about some of the latest advances.

Two years ago I was seated next to the keynote speaker during dinner. He was a normal guy and we casually chatted about his recent trip to New Zealand. When he stood up to address the group I learned that he was basically the man who invented the modern bone marrow transplant procedure. He is literally responsible for saving the lives of thousands and thousands of children. (Oh yea? Children with cancer, huh? Well I convince people to buy things they don't need. Where would the economy be without me?! Where would people get the money to pay for your fancy cancer medicine? Ask yourself that, my friend.)

Wednesday night's speakers educated us on the latest in gene therapy, and it's clear that amazing developments are just on the horizon. Treatments are about to get much more targeted, precious time will be wasted far less frequently and doctors will have the ability to manage many types of cancers as chronic conditions for very long periods of time. Think HIV - no longer lethal as long as it's managed with the right drugs. One of the speakers focused on a lung cancer example, and it made me sad that my dad couldn't have benefited from some of the new treatments now available such a short time after his death.

Anyway - it got us inspired for this year's Fifth Annual Bud Traynor Classic. For those that don't know, it will be played at Bethpage on Monday, August 6th and as always, we will donate the proceeds to MSKCC's research programs.

Vaguely related side note, the Chief of Neurosurgery at MSKCC is one of the doctors I consulted with when selecting a surgeon to remove my acoustic neuroma. It goes without saying he was very accomplished and obviously a great guy, although I didn't ultimately select him. His celebrity lookalike was Steven Spielberg.

Dr. Philip Gutin on the left and Mr. Steven Spielberg on the right:

General Lee Update

John Schneider will be once again accepting bids for the General Lee starting Saturday.

Full article:
http://www.tmz.com/2007/05/17/general-lee-up-on-the-block-again/

This will make you laugh in 45 seconds

I would have LOVED to have been involved in the production of this spot. Hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UH7VsywKvw

Dream weaver

As a fellow folically challenged girl growing out a bad shave, I'm happy to see Brit's stubble is long enough to get her weave on. Truthfully, it looks pretty bad, but TMZ reports she's got a touch up visit scheduled over the next few days. And I suppose it's better than those hideous wigs she's been sporting.

Temporary(?) technical difficulties

A disappointing lapse in super-power.

Today's rain brought the anticipated simultaneous headache. Not fun. But even worse - this time I didn't experience the tell-tale surgical scar itch ahead of time. Why should I endure the headache if I can't rely on predictive powers?

I was at least hoping my brain surgery could help me understand when to avoid wearing suede shoes.

Happy Shopping

Print these out for some weekend shopping (you may have to right click on the images and save them to print individually)

Let ye without sin...

I pay Jerry Falwell no more respect in death than I paid him in life. What can I say? The devil makes me do it.

A post on The Economist blog reminisces on some words of "wisdom" attributed to this true believer. It's amazing how easily hate can be repackaged. A response to the post below says it all - ironically, with a quote from the ultimate conservative: "As Barry Goldwater once said, 'the religious right scares the hell out of me'."

Well, RIP, JF. Good luck to you as you meet your maker.

19:08 GMT +00:00
Falwell's funeral
Posted by:
Economist.com NEW YORK

Jerry Falwell, the face of the religious right for a time, passed away today, aged 73. In my current state of bereavement I'm finding it difficult to sum up Mr Falwell's impact on politics and culture. So I'll leave you with a few of his more interesting quotes, followed by an important question.

On AIDS:
AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals.

On the Antichrist:
[He] will, by necessity, be a Jewish male.

On the separation of church and state:
The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the devil to keep Christians from running their own country.

And, of course, on the September 11th attacks:
I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'

The question: Who from the Bush administration will attend this man's funeral? (I predict a lot of officials will have last-minute scheduling conflicts.)

Update: A colleague asks a better question—which of the presidential candidates will attend Mr Falwell's funeral?


Permalink:

http://www.economist.com/blogs/democracyinamerica/2007/05/falwells_funeral.cfm

Tony and Drama: Thelma and Louise?

Did anyone else notice the really odd coincidence on Sunday night's HBO lineup?

1. Sopranos end scene: Tony Soprano stands at the edge of a desert canyon (bad idea when you're tripping) and yells "I did it!"
2. Entourage end scene: After driving all night, Johnny Drama sits at the edge of the Grand Canyon and finds out he's a star.

I can't find a picture of either scene, but they were eerily similar.

Aloha

Let me start by saying I have a stabbing pain radiating from a point on the upper right side of my skull as I pop an Aleve and settle in to watch TBOAG. It may prompt more caustic remarks than absolutely necessary or warranted. I apologize in advance.

Having said that, I can't really think of something snide to say about that opening without being disrespectful to the memory of those who died at Pearl Harbor. I can, however, say I was truly mortified when Andy awkwardly told the six year old girl that Tessa was his girlfriend. Right. And had you been here 20 minutes ago, you could have met one of my other two girlfriends. Andy, she is not your girlfriend. Stop trying to act like this is all normal.

Before I continue, I must offer an observation: the more episodes I see the more I realize how socially awkward Andy is. I think he must be a late bloomer who was never good looking until after he had already been set aside as a nerd. By the time he "bloomed," no one noticed his ripped abs. I'm sure he was in ROTC and probably was the RA of his dorm. He was most likely the captain of something (not football or lacrosse). On paper, he's a real BMOC. But what I really see is a nerd calling out to be loved by the in-crowd.

While I'm picking on Andy, again this week he has to state that he's in the Navy, not to mention a doctor, every five minutes. After the third USS Arizona date Andy comments, "I love being a Navy diver. I love being a Navy doctor." ABC cut out the part where he says, "But most importantly, I love telling people that I am in the Navy. And that I'm a doctor in the Navy." And did you catch him tipping his Naval officer's hat right after that? Snare drums accentuated the move perfectly.

Enough serious Navy stuff. Off to zip lining. First of all, random side note: the entire Traynor and Voltz families, including my mother, went zip lining in Mexico this past summer. It was a blast.

My brother's wife, Clementina (fellow brain surgery survivor), and I.
Harnessed in and ready to go.

Mamma Joan zipping high above the forest floor. Go mom!

Back to the matter at hand. What was it about that tarzan date that melted old ice-in-the-veins-Tessa? She could not keep her hands off Andy. Not even on the suspension bridge! What can explain this sudden and drastic change of heart? ABC is not showing us the whole story, and I feel cheated.

Anyway, if I had any doubt about Andy's social awkwardness, it disappeared the minute I saw his Saturday Night Fever sushi eating outfit. What was that? And Tessa even knew it. After Andy told her how great she looked she looked him up and down and said, "You look very, [pause] very [looooong pause - searching for the right word. Or any word.] stunning(?!) yourself." What she's really thinking: "Are you putting on a piano tie and going to a bar mitvah after this?"

Did anyone else notice the music playing while Danielle and Andy watched the sunset? Love Lifts Us Up. Indeed. But I have nothing else to say about this date, and so this is when I know Danielle will never make it to the next round. Hey, Dani, cheer up. At least you didn't kill this one.

Comments about the Bevin date:

• I've long thought the shoulder tat was cheesy. But that lower back super-sized artwork - well I just don't see Andy loving that.
• Bevin loves being all alone in the wilderness. Yes. All alone with a camera crew and a prop stylist (Where do you think the inner tubes came from?)
• The underwater kissing was nasty. Did you see all that crap floating in the water?
• Did you catch Andy jamming to the drums? Gimme a beat. And bring me my piano tie. (If you stayed past the credits you saw some priceless footage of Andy flailing around with some red pom-poms trying to bump and grind. Andy, it's a luau. And you're a recovering nerd. Sit down.)

The whole Fantasy Suite thing is creepy. I don't know what else to say about that.

Gatsby(?!), thanks for flying in. Not very helpful except to remind us once again that Andy is a tri-athlete and a doctor. But don't worry, in case you missed it, Andy reminds us as he laments the decision in front of him, "I'm a healer. I'm a doctor. I help others. I take their pain away. So to break the heart of one of these women tonight, it kills me to have to do that." Andy, you already used this line! How many times do you expect us to stomach it?

I thought Danielle held it together remarkably well. But I think she'll fall apart when she sees the playback and realizes how much that parting shot - during the hug - highlighted her black roots. "Why!? Why?! [sob] WHY did the camera have to be at such an aerial angle?"

Can't wait for the Lancaster date. This may be when the future Mrs. Lt. Andy Baldwin realizes that the love of her life had not a single friend in high school, but did win the regional medical sciences achievement award as an Eagle Scout while in the 12th grade.

Absurd-o-meter

24 fans, this week's absurd-o-meter from New York Magazine's Vulture below (Terry called the "one casualty" comment). Some additional favorite moments:

1. Chang's team saying, "We're taking you all to a secure room" to the CTU hostages. Secure? After six seasons of 24, it's obvious there is no such thing over there. And you of all people should know. You JUST broke in 10 seconds ago.
2. When Veep Creepy claimed to be ashamed of his sordid tryst with Lisa Miller, yet can't seem to stop telling EVERYONE. OK, old man. We get it. You bagged a hot blond.
3. Upon crashing in on a Russian spy, the first person to interrogate him is Tom Lenox, the White House Chief of Staff. I'm sure Josh Bolten gets sent in to interrogation scenarios all the time.

And Eric, I have never been more convinced that you are right about Ricky replacing Jack than when Silver Spoon shot through the glass to save the day during the CTU attack. Very dramatic reveal of blondy in action wearing all black and I think he was even carrying a man purse.

The ‘24’ Absurd-o-Meter: If They Ain't Smooching, They Don't Count

In Vulture's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. In the penultimate airing of this subpar season, characters seemed to be addressing their creators and expressing solidarity with the show's underwhelmed and befuddled viewers. Also, the show gave no respect to its redshirt population, the White House fit in a word from its sponsor, and, once again, time stood still. Let's start the countdown.

4. This White House is brought to you by Cisco. Not only did the episode show a Cisco TelePresence logo in the White House for an inordinate length of time, it had the White House staff play avid brand evangelists. "The TelePresence conference room is all set up," a staff member announces. Can you imagine anyone at any organization naming a conference room after the brand name of the conference device? "Hey there, Feldman, the call is starting in the Verizon conference room." Acting President Daniels, by the way, enjoys a crystal-clear conference call with his Russian counterpart. Thanks, TelePresence! You're the greatest. Absurdity factor: 4.

3. Just because Nadia didn't smooch 'em doesn't mean they don't count as people. After the kidnapped CTU gang escapes from their Chinese short-term overlords, Doyle asks Nadia, "How many casualties did you sustain?" She chokes up a bit and replies, "One. Milo Pressman." Sniff! Except a bunch of security guards died last episode, most prominently the guy guarding Jack's cell who's shot while he's springing Mr. Bauer. In other words, he's a textbook redshirt, a TV character who exists only to die and raise the stakes for the characters who have names. Note to 24's producers: It'd really help your redshirt deaths have an impact if the show's characters seemed at all aware of them. Absurdity factor: 5.

2. Time is broken! Once again, 24 plays around with its real-time laws. Mere seconds after the White House decides to maybe give Jack Bauer's nephew Josh to his circuit-board-possessin' grandpappy, Agent Doyle's got the kid separated from Jack and onto a chopper. It all happens so incredibly, implausibly fast that the viewer can't believe it. Is there someone else in the chopper? Is Doyle not working for the government anymore? Is there some explanation for what just happened? Nope, nope and nope — show just cheated. (Either that, or Doyle is working for the Chinese and this is part of some super-crazy twist! But that would be far, far too crazy to consider right now.) Also, the circuit board's serial number was six digits long. Anytime we've had to write down a serial number, it's been about three times that. Absurdity factor: 6.

1. Can you read my mind? Three lines of dialogue in this episode served as proxies for an audience let down by this season of 24. The first, said by Josh Bauer after his grandfather goes off on a pro-China rant: "I don't know what the hell you're talking about." Preach on, mini-Kiefer! Acting President Daniels, taking a brief break from crisis-to-crisis careening to analyze the Russians' geostrategy, opines, "None of this makes sense." You got that right! And finally, Philip Bauer offers a gravelly rebuke to the idiotic Chinese goons who handed him The Most Important Circuit Board Ever: "I don't give a damn about your operational incapacities!" You hear that, 24 producers? We don't care anymore! One night and two hours are left, and then all of us can finally get some sleep. Absurdity factor: 6. —Ben Wasserstein

Link to Vulture post:
http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/05/the_24_absurdometer_if_they_ai.html

They come and go

By now you've all heard the NBC fall line up has been announced. Some ancillary gossip:

• Fred Thompson is leaving Law & Order. (Would have been a stump crimper, I suppose. We're all convinced he's running. Yes?)
• Alec Baldwin will be returning to 30 Rock despite his announcement on The View. For those you you that have a life and missed it, Alec plaintively whined to Rosie that he had asked NBC to relieve him of his contract. He wished to take time off to campaign for the rights of alienated parents. (NBC is removing the phone from Alec's dressing room and banning him from the daycare area.)

Head case

It does not take a trained psychologist to interpret the dreams I had over the past two nights:

1. I was a patient on House. I had a bumpy rash sprouting all over my skull, and my team of doctors could not figure out what was wrong. The House a-ha moment came when the doc realized I had a job. All of his previous assumptions were based on the fact that I stayed home all day doing nothing. I woke up before he told me what was slowly taking over my system.
2. I was signed up for the NYC marathon but was unable to train because of a sprained ankle. I was in a panic because I had fallen behind on the regimented training schedule and I didn't think I'd ever be able to catch up in time.
   

As seen on TV

I was speaking to a friend who is convalescing with a major back injury suffered in a recent boating mishap. She and I agreed that infomercials and online shopping are an important part of any recovery worth its salt.

My new favorite item: the Stick Up Bulb. Come on, you know you've seen that guy on TV and been tempted. Well, I was bored enough and fixated enough on nesting (nothing like being home all the time with no formal job to do to create problems to solve) to actually order some. Yes, I am not ashamed to say I spent $68 by the time I ordered all the extra bulbs I could get on deal. They arrived on Friday, and I LOVE them. I'm sticking them in closets, under the stairs, etc. and the light they are shedding is bringing me a disproportionate sense of accomplishment.

If anyone from The Stick Up Bulb is reading my blog, call me. I can help you redesign your website (did you do that on PowerPoint?).


If I've convinced you, order here (I am not getting any kickbacks):
http://www.thestickupbulb.com/stickupbulb_v1_10/?tid=1150&vd=1

General Lee Update

As reported by TMZ, trouble is brewing in Hazzard County. No further mention of that fishy "last ride" with the Make a Wish kid. Hmmm...

John Schneider: Put Up or Shut Up!!

Posted May 10th 2007 10:45AM by TMZ Staff
Filed under: Celebrity Auctions

"Dukes of Hazzard" star John Schneider issued this statement to TMZ, following the revelation that the high bidder in an auction to buy the General Lee backed out:

"As the week has progressed, it appears more and more evident that the winning bidder from my 'Bo's General Lee' auction has no intention of coming up with the promised funds. The deadline for deposit was missed on Monday and nobody is more upset or disappointed than I am. I have been on the phone with my lawyer in Century City [Calif.] all week and am taking steps to force compliance of the winning bidder to the rules and regulations of the auction. This may have been the most publicly viewed auction ever! People's word should be their bond."

Dang! That's tough talk from Bo Duke!

Permalink:
http://www.tmz.com/2007/05/10/john-schneider-put-up-or-shut-up/

Pooch lovers unite

A reader rightfully inquired about Tinkerbell when I posted the news of Paris' pending incarceration. Apparently we're not the only ones concerned...

Throw Paris to the Dogs!

Posted May 10th 2007 12:29PM by TMZ Staff
Filed under: Paparazzi Photo, Paris Hilton

Trying to cram 45 days worth of love into one afternoon, Paris returned from the gym yesterday with three dogs curled up in her arms. Mama's going to the kennel, babies!

Who will take care of these cute pooches once Paris heads to the hoosegow?

Yes, she's probably got people to take care of the doggy business ... it's hard to picture Paris with a pooper scooper. Then again, picturing her cleaning up trash on the side of the road or making license plates isn't difficult.

The long goodbye

Tony Blair has finally announced he will be leaving office, and he's chosen June 27th as the day to hand his resignation to the Queen. Of course, she'll be a little preoccupied that day celebrating my birthday. (Tony, Liz and I will call you on the cell between bars. Or meet us in the wig department at Harrods.)

For anyone who doubts America's reputation in the world, consider this critique in which "American" and "schmaltzy" are analogous.

He ended the speech with an assertion that Britain is “a blessed nation…the greatest country on earth”. Most Oxford-trained lawyers with an interest in international politics would find that too schmaltzy, too American. -- The Economist, May 10th, 2007

Full article: http://www.economist.com/daily/news/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9142360&top_story=1

Things are not always as they seem

I wrote in an earlier post that I had achieved the most significant recovery milestone last week. My decidedly down-town hair stylist came up to the apartment and cut my hair. God bless him. He arrived with all the necessary tools in a stylin leather euro-style case. We had promised him we'd cook a meal for him, but Terry ended up traveling for business that day and came home too late to cook. So when Thomas was done, we called a car service to take us all to a neighborhood spot. The local town car service is more convenient and less expensive than hailing a yellow cab.

I didn't see them, but apparently some of my friends from the building were sitting out on a balcony when we left for dinner. I received an email from one of them a couple of days later:
"Last Wed., when Michelle and I were at Matthias' apartment, we witnessed you from the balcony getting into a limo with Terry and a bald man with a briefcase. And you were wearing sweat pants. It was all very John Le Carre. What's going on?"

This is how rumors get started. Don't worry guys, the only sin was that hair!

A slow boat to China

Finally caught this week's 24 episode last night, so here is the week's Absurd-o-meter. As always, they're right on. Love the family drama happening between Jack's dad being back in the picture and Jack's nephew also being Jack's son (dontchya think?). And I'm afraid Eric's prediction seems more and more likely - Doyle may be taking over for Bauer in some future day from hell. Very upsetting.

By the way, I can't find a recent photo of Marie Osmond for a better comparison, but she was on The View today. She reminded the audience that she has eight kids, and I swear one of them is Michelle Dessler:







In Daily Intel's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. This week saw CTU get invaded, a certain computer stud get shot in the head (tragically, his goatee seemed unharmed), and the little-explained, absolutely nutso return of Jack's family. Let's get to the absurdity, shall we?

3. How hard is it to go to the bathroom? So Lisa Miller, Acting President Daniels's aide-slash-lover, gets involved in a Charlie's Angels–style scheme in which she has to get her other lover, a mimbo lobbyist who sells state secrets to the Russians on the side, to read her PDA. Otherwise, says presidential chief of staff and official-mimbo-tricking-scheme-supervisor Tom Lennox, she'll be executed for treason. Let's just ignore the many implausibilities in this setup and focus on the mission itself, in which Lisa finds herself entirely unable to leave the dude alone with her purse. She tries to go to the bathroom to "freshen up"; he stops her, pointing out that she showered about an hour ago. Somehow, she lets this logic keep her from going to the bathroom. She couldn't say she has to wash her face? Needs a tissue? Has to use the toilet? Just walk over? Nothing? C'mon, Lisa! So they make out. By the way, here's what else happens with this plotline: She makes another attempt to go to the bathroom and is, once more, somehow incapable. They end up gettin' it on for the rest of the episode. Tight plotting this is not. Absurdity factor: 5.

2. Maybe it's time to up the security at CTU. As a commenter on Ain't It Cool News so aptly put it, "CTU is easier to get into than Lisa Miller's pants!" The Chinese invasion of the premier counterterrorism office goes extremely smoothly; the evil goateed muscley dude in charge even kills good goateed dude Milo, who pretends he's the head of CTU to save Nadia, whom he kissed a few hours ago. Nadia, for her part, has been exchanging meaningful glances with Agent Doyle. The smoldering tension between the pair began, lest you forget, with Doyle revealing that he's read the Koran, the Bible, and the Upanishads, and this information somehow making Nadia forget her lip-lock with Milo. But weep not for Eric Balfour, the actor who plays Milo, who's landed a lead role on the wittily named CBS pilot Protect and Serve. He plays a cop. Absurdity factor: 5.

1. What the hell are those Bauers still doing in CTU? The extremely annoying Marilyn Bauer and her suspiciously Kiefer-coiffed son Josh have apparently been hanging around CTU since we saw them last, seven episodes ago. Why? The show doesn't even bother with much of an explanation for what they're doing in spy-ville at two in the morning, half-heartedly offering some awfully convenient spiel about them having to stay there overnight and be processed in the morning. Then Marilyn tries to get Josh to get some sleep on a cold, hard bench. Strange way to treat innocent bystanders, especially compared to the way they treated Old Man Philip Bauer, who, as predicted, made his dramatic return. But once we saw Marilyn and Josh appear at CTU for no plausible reason, it was sadly obvious that Philip would be showing up too. Absurdity factor. 7. —Ben Wasserstein

Daddy's little girls

This episode was not as amusing as I expected it would be. All the real wackos are gone, so there is less and less drama each time. I have no interest in watching a fairy tale romance unfold - I just want to make fun of the crazies. I fear the fun and games may have come to an end. Having said that, there were some fun moments to this mostly awkward episode.

Right off the bat, Andy lets us know where his head is at:

• Tessa is a wonderful girl, but hasn't put it on the line.
• Danielle is a wonderful girl, but maybe destined to be only a friend.
• Amber is a wonderful girl, but is only a kid.
• Bevin is a wonderful girl, but I don't know about her divorce yet.

Let's get to the bottom of these questions with some home-town fun.

Bevin handled the divorce reveal masterfully. Not only did she somehow glide right over the fact that it should have come up sooner, she actually used her speech to demonstrate her understanding of the importance of marriage while slamming Amber in the process, "I never thought it would happen to me. I never thought that I would be divorced. I thought it was forever when I made that commitment, but when you're young you just don't have perspective."

Still, Andy was not totally convinced. He sees a "red flag." Andy, wait until you meet Bevin's cry baby father. That talk Bev and her dad had on the couch was excruciating. I could not understand a word they were saying because they each had the dolphin-pitch thing going. I thought the glass on the pictures behind them would shatter. Dad's advice - you get in there and fight for him!

Danielle's father had more of the attitude I would expect from the dads. First of all, he called her "Princess" while he glared at Andy. He wasn't calling Danielle "Princess" as much as he was saying to Andy, "If you hurt my Princess with this crazy scheme you have going on, I will head-butt you with my four foot forehead. Navy elite, my ass." Then sister Kaitlin mentions the elephant in the room, "The fact that Andy is dating three other girls right now is probably the one thing that is making me nervous." She says this as though it's insightful or surprising. Yea, Kaitlin - this is not normal! But God bless that drum-playing-belly-dancing mariner, he won over Sis and Daddy in the end. Even got hugs from both. That Lt. Andy Baldwin charm is indomitable.

Then we see Tessa waiting for Andy on the lawn between the Capital and "that Monument". She informs Andy that while she was waiting, she made a snowball for him. I'm sorry - that seems manic. The thing was huge. I can't believe homeland security didn't send someone out to check out the crazy lady furiously making a snowball all by herself on the lawn.

Tessa's mom wins for creepy quote of the night when she friskily blurts out, "When I first saw him I thought, 'Wow, he is really fit. And he's very, very handsome." Mom gets the plumb seat next to Andy at dinner and hangs on every word the Lieutenant utters. It was all very Jane Seymour circa Wedding Crashers. More red flags for Andy when Tessa's dad indicates she may only be in this for the fun. Doh! Andy, like, closes the deal and, like, forces Tessa to, like, admit that she like, really wants to like, fall in love with him.

Off to Amber's classroom where Andy makes sure the kids know he's in the Navy. Wasted opportunity, he neglected to tell them he's a doctor - that's the other fact he likes to make sure people know. (Side note: there has been a huge scandal in Sugar Land, Texas over Amber taking time off to do the show. Apparently the Principal of the school was not forthright about why she was taking the time, and the parents were none too happy. The Principal was transferred to another school in disgrace. Another heart broken by Lt. Andy Baldwin. Here's the story: http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072)

The minute I saw Andy holding that dog, I knew it was over for Amber.

Bevin's rose ceremony Cher-dress needed a Bob Mackie headdress.

I'm dying to know what he whispered to Danielle!? Could anyone make that out? It sounded like, "It's all good." Please tell me that's not what he said.

I'm hoping Hawaii will offer more drama. Does Andy's family never get to meet the girls?

Eewwww...

My ear has been bothering me a bit recently. A bump has formed that you can see from the outside, the inside has gotten more tender and feels kind of irritated. Also, the Rice Krispy noise inside my head has gotten a little worse after it seemed to be getting better.

I have been assuming all of this can be chalked up to the fact that I have been gradually trying to put myself in more noisy situations - I know I'm irritating that nerve in there. Also, I am turning onto my surgical side more and more during sleep. (My body is tired of lying on only one side.) Seems like that would cause tenderness.

Logical explanations - no? Well, imagine my paranoid horror when I saw this article on CNN.com this morning (the video is funny). Notice the specific snap, crackle, pop symptom. I have to get Dr. Roland on the phone...

Doctor finds spiders in ear of boy with earache

ALBANY, Oregon (AP) -- These guys were not exactly Snap, Crackle and Pop.

What began as a faint popping in a 9-year-old boy's ear -- "like Rice Krispies" -- ended up as an earache, and the doctor's diagnosis was that a pair of spiders made a home in the ear.

"They were walking on my eardrums," Jesse Courtney said. Watch how an earache led to the creepy discovery:

http://www.cnn.com/video/player/player.html?url=/video/offbeat/2007/05/07/smith.or.spiderboy.kgw

One of the spiders was still alive after the doctor flushed the fourth-grader's left ear canal. His mother, Diane Courtney, said her son insisted he kept hearing a faint popping in his ear -- "like Rice Krispies."

Dr. David Irvine said it looked like the boy had something in his ear when he examined him.

When he irrigated the ear, the first spider came out, dead. The other spider took a second dousing before it emerged, still alive. Both were about the size of a pencil eraser.

Jesse was given the spiders -- now both dead -- as a souvenir. He has taken them to school and his mother has taken them to work.

Sarkozy by a nose

On this Derby weekend, Sarkozy has been declared the winner in the French presidential election. He will succeed Jacques Chirac who has served in the role for the past 12 years. The vote was fairly close with Sarkozy at 53% versus 47% for Royal.

The statistic that impressed me more: CNN reports that more than 75% of registered voters had been to the polls by 5 pm. Compare that to America where the average total voter turnout for a National election is a mere 54%. Truly worrying considering the power over our lives bestowed on the winner.

Of course, I say this having not watched either of the debates over the past week and a half. I was far too busy obsessing over whether Paris Hilton would get jail time.


Update: total voter turnout now projected to be 85%. This is a record high for France, but their previous average of 76% still puts us to shame.