File under: stuff you can't make up

Dannielynn is now ten months old and couldn't be cuter. She has six teeth, her mother's charisma, and even better, she seems to be surrounded by the one thing that eluded Anna Nicole: unconditional love.

That crazy baby daddy race seems like a distant memory, doesn't it? Yet it all came rushing back today with deliciously bizarre news from the most surreal DNA applicant. Prince Fritz von Anhalt, fifth husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor and former Dannielynn-daddy wannabe, is now pioneering new ground in odd behavior.

TMZ is reporting a heck of a wrap up to the week for this batty old guy. On Thursday the Prince was found naked in his Bentley, handcuffed to his steering wheel. He claims to have been robbed at gun point by three women, but there seems to be reason for a healthy dose of doubt. I'm guessing there is a more embarrassing explanation. The very next morning he was in court on a different matter. Apparently, the Prince is fighting Zsa Zsa's daughter, Francesca Hilton (Great Aunt of Paris. oh, the tangled web), whom he believes stole money from his wife.

Do we think this turmoil is the result of royal inbreeding or wealth induced eccentricity?

Who's your daddy?

As most suspected, Dannielynn's double helix has a lot more in common with Larry Birkhead's than it does with any other man who has applied for the daddy job.

Tori Spelling's mom, font of maternal concern that she is, shared advice on the important things in life in a letter to Larry this past week (see TMZ report below). I think Mamma Lynne Spears and Mamma Candy Spelling could be BFF.

Here's the advice I would give to Larry:

1. Try to care more about Dannielynn's welfare than you do about someone taking a picture of you on a bad hair day.
2. Make this little girl's life as normal as you can - consider moving to Iowa. (Side note: Zach Johnson seems to credit being from Iowa for his normalcy.)
   
3. Raise her to have respect for herself.
4. Do whatever you have to so she doesn't end up surrounded by people who sit around and do nothing while she self-destructs.

On number one above, while I do believe you should care more about Dannielynn than your hair, for God's sake - fix your hair. Do you think we don't know you bleach? Candy may not be maternal, but she's right about that.

Posted Apr 9th 2007 2:08PM by TMZ Staff
Filed under: Baby Watch, Life Style, Anna Nicole Smith, Tori Spelling

With the DNA results in the Anna Nicole Smith paternity case set to be revealed tomorrow, Candy Spelling, one of Hollywood's most noTORIous mothers, has come exclusively to TMZ to offer Larry Birkhead advice on everything from handling fame, to mitigating exorbitant lawyer fees -- even personal grooming!

Check out Candy's letter.



Dear Larry:

As the court appearance that will change your life approaches, I am stepping into my role as a celebrity-by-association to share some experiences with you.

1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.

2) Fans/autograph seekers: Hollywood lives in fear of being yesterday's celebrity and ending up with an autograph languishing on eBay for days with no bids. If people want many copies, if they don't want you to personalize it, and/or they ask for Anna Nicole's name as part of your signature, nicely decline. If you slip and do see your autograph on sale, have a good friend bid more than 99 cents to buy it.

3) The lawyers: You've already found out that you have turned from man to cash machine. Lawyers aren't the only ones who will see you that way, especially if you are Dannielynn's biological father. The good news is that someone who presents you with a bill for $620,492.84 must think you have a good case. The bad news is that you will need more lawyers to fight the legal bills. My advice: Negotiate in advance, and put in a clause against expenses for lawyers, spouses, meals or laundry.

I wish you success in court on Tuesday, but beware: There's never enough preparation for "celebrity." I'll never get used to tour buses and cameras outside my house every day, reporters analyzing my grocery choices, and bloggers pretending to know more about my family than I do; but I do have a good life. Yours can be, too. Just remember that celebrity and/or money mean that nothing will ever be the same -- and act accordingly.

All the best,

Candy Spelling