Chloe!...

...I need you to download the engineer plans for the duct system at the LA County jail to my PDA. Right away!

TMZ is reporting that our buddy, Jack Bauer, will likely serve 48 days in jail for his most recent DUI conviction.

I'm sorry, I love Kiefer, but there really is no excuse for anyone to drive while intoxicated, let alone someone who can so easily afford a driver.

Seems that Sutherland will be able to serve mostly during a time that 24 production is on break for the holidays.

LA County should be a breeze after that secret Chinese torture camp...

Absurd-o-meter

24 fans, this week's absurd-o-meter from New York Magazine's Vulture below (Terry called the "one casualty" comment). Some additional favorite moments:

1. Chang's team saying, "We're taking you all to a secure room" to the CTU hostages. Secure? After six seasons of 24, it's obvious there is no such thing over there. And you of all people should know. You JUST broke in 10 seconds ago.
2. When Veep Creepy claimed to be ashamed of his sordid tryst with Lisa Miller, yet can't seem to stop telling EVERYONE. OK, old man. We get it. You bagged a hot blond.
3. Upon crashing in on a Russian spy, the first person to interrogate him is Tom Lenox, the White House Chief of Staff. I'm sure Josh Bolten gets sent in to interrogation scenarios all the time.

And Eric, I have never been more convinced that you are right about Ricky replacing Jack than when Silver Spoon shot through the glass to save the day during the CTU attack. Very dramatic reveal of blondy in action wearing all black and I think he was even carrying a man purse.

The ‘24’ Absurd-o-Meter: If They Ain't Smooching, They Don't Count

In Vulture's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. In the penultimate airing of this subpar season, characters seemed to be addressing their creators and expressing solidarity with the show's underwhelmed and befuddled viewers. Also, the show gave no respect to its redshirt population, the White House fit in a word from its sponsor, and, once again, time stood still. Let's start the countdown.

4. This White House is brought to you by Cisco. Not only did the episode show a Cisco TelePresence logo in the White House for an inordinate length of time, it had the White House staff play avid brand evangelists. "The TelePresence conference room is all set up," a staff member announces. Can you imagine anyone at any organization naming a conference room after the brand name of the conference device? "Hey there, Feldman, the call is starting in the Verizon conference room." Acting President Daniels, by the way, enjoys a crystal-clear conference call with his Russian counterpart. Thanks, TelePresence! You're the greatest. Absurdity factor: 4.

3. Just because Nadia didn't smooch 'em doesn't mean they don't count as people. After the kidnapped CTU gang escapes from their Chinese short-term overlords, Doyle asks Nadia, "How many casualties did you sustain?" She chokes up a bit and replies, "One. Milo Pressman." Sniff! Except a bunch of security guards died last episode, most prominently the guy guarding Jack's cell who's shot while he's springing Mr. Bauer. In other words, he's a textbook redshirt, a TV character who exists only to die and raise the stakes for the characters who have names. Note to 24's producers: It'd really help your redshirt deaths have an impact if the show's characters seemed at all aware of them. Absurdity factor: 5.

2. Time is broken! Once again, 24 plays around with its real-time laws. Mere seconds after the White House decides to maybe give Jack Bauer's nephew Josh to his circuit-board-possessin' grandpappy, Agent Doyle's got the kid separated from Jack and onto a chopper. It all happens so incredibly, implausibly fast that the viewer can't believe it. Is there someone else in the chopper? Is Doyle not working for the government anymore? Is there some explanation for what just happened? Nope, nope and nope — show just cheated. (Either that, or Doyle is working for the Chinese and this is part of some super-crazy twist! But that would be far, far too crazy to consider right now.) Also, the circuit board's serial number was six digits long. Anytime we've had to write down a serial number, it's been about three times that. Absurdity factor: 6.

1. Can you read my mind? Three lines of dialogue in this episode served as proxies for an audience let down by this season of 24. The first, said by Josh Bauer after his grandfather goes off on a pro-China rant: "I don't know what the hell you're talking about." Preach on, mini-Kiefer! Acting President Daniels, taking a brief break from crisis-to-crisis careening to analyze the Russians' geostrategy, opines, "None of this makes sense." You got that right! And finally, Philip Bauer offers a gravelly rebuke to the idiotic Chinese goons who handed him The Most Important Circuit Board Ever: "I don't give a damn about your operational incapacities!" You hear that, 24 producers? We don't care anymore! One night and two hours are left, and then all of us can finally get some sleep. Absurdity factor: 6. —Ben Wasserstein

Link to Vulture post:
http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/05/the_24_absurdometer_if_they_ai.html

A slow boat to China

Finally caught this week's 24 episode last night, so here is the week's Absurd-o-meter. As always, they're right on. Love the family drama happening between Jack's dad being back in the picture and Jack's nephew also being Jack's son (dontchya think?). And I'm afraid Eric's prediction seems more and more likely - Doyle may be taking over for Bauer in some future day from hell. Very upsetting.

By the way, I can't find a recent photo of Marie Osmond for a better comparison, but she was on The View today. She reminded the audience that she has eight kids, and I swear one of them is Michelle Dessler:







In Daily Intel's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. This week saw CTU get invaded, a certain computer stud get shot in the head (tragically, his goatee seemed unharmed), and the little-explained, absolutely nutso return of Jack's family. Let's get to the absurdity, shall we?

3. How hard is it to go to the bathroom? So Lisa Miller, Acting President Daniels's aide-slash-lover, gets involved in a Charlie's Angels–style scheme in which she has to get her other lover, a mimbo lobbyist who sells state secrets to the Russians on the side, to read her PDA. Otherwise, says presidential chief of staff and official-mimbo-tricking-scheme-supervisor Tom Lennox, she'll be executed for treason. Let's just ignore the many implausibilities in this setup and focus on the mission itself, in which Lisa finds herself entirely unable to leave the dude alone with her purse. She tries to go to the bathroom to "freshen up"; he stops her, pointing out that she showered about an hour ago. Somehow, she lets this logic keep her from going to the bathroom. She couldn't say she has to wash her face? Needs a tissue? Has to use the toilet? Just walk over? Nothing? C'mon, Lisa! So they make out. By the way, here's what else happens with this plotline: She makes another attempt to go to the bathroom and is, once more, somehow incapable. They end up gettin' it on for the rest of the episode. Tight plotting this is not. Absurdity factor: 5.

2. Maybe it's time to up the security at CTU. As a commenter on Ain't It Cool News so aptly put it, "CTU is easier to get into than Lisa Miller's pants!" The Chinese invasion of the premier counterterrorism office goes extremely smoothly; the evil goateed muscley dude in charge even kills good goateed dude Milo, who pretends he's the head of CTU to save Nadia, whom he kissed a few hours ago. Nadia, for her part, has been exchanging meaningful glances with Agent Doyle. The smoldering tension between the pair began, lest you forget, with Doyle revealing that he's read the Koran, the Bible, and the Upanishads, and this information somehow making Nadia forget her lip-lock with Milo. But weep not for Eric Balfour, the actor who plays Milo, who's landed a lead role on the wittily named CBS pilot Protect and Serve. He plays a cop. Absurdity factor: 5.

1. What the hell are those Bauers still doing in CTU? The extremely annoying Marilyn Bauer and her suspiciously Kiefer-coiffed son Josh have apparently been hanging around CTU since we saw them last, seven episodes ago. Why? The show doesn't even bother with much of an explanation for what they're doing in spy-ville at two in the morning, half-heartedly offering some awfully convenient spiel about them having to stay there overnight and be processed in the morning. Then Marilyn tries to get Josh to get some sleep on a cold, hard bench. Strange way to treat innocent bystanders, especially compared to the way they treated Old Man Philip Bauer, who, as predicted, made his dramatic return. But once we saw Marilyn and Josh appear at CTU for no plausible reason, it was sadly obvious that Philip would be showing up too. Absurdity factor. 7. —Ben Wasserstein

Oh, the heartache

24 fans, the latest absurdometer is below. Two additional comments from the Voltzes:

• Terry: "I've never wanted Nadia more."
• Joan: "Please, God, let me never be forced to participate in a conference call in which I would be projected on 4 foot by 5 foot screen."

In Vulture's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. This week, the absurdities started in the pre-show "previously on 24" segment and ratcheted up from there. Thrill to the spectacle of Nadia growing a spine (eventually)! Shiver in horror at the most oddly self-aware line of dialogue ever spoken on the show! Laugh and laugh as acting president Noah Daniels's ass gets served! Just another week at good ole CTU Los Angeles.

3. That is harsh, Nadia. When Miles asked to be transferred to a new division of CTU because of an annoying fight with his ex-wife, Chloe, Nadia, the new boss, sensibly says no. "You're asking me to indulge your personal melodrama while we're in the middle of an international crisis," she explains, and that ain't gonna happen. But then why do 24's writers ask the same thing of its audience, week after week? We want to see the Chinese and Ruskies and the shooting and the kicking — we don't want to indulge Miles's personal melodrama any more than Nadia does. But then there's another scene of it, with Chloe and Miles breaking up, a mere four hours before their inevitable end of season, possibly-while-one-is-gravely-injured rapprochement. Nadia doesn't have time for that, and neither do we. Also on the Nadia tip, it was nice to see her eventually come around to the show's definition of responsible public service and sound judgment at CTU: Ignoring orders from her supervisor and doing whatever Jack tells her. That's the spirit! Absurdity factor: 3 (of a possible 10)

2. Not that we're not happy to see you, but … Look, we like William Devane as much as anyone, but wouldn't the barest effort toward an explanation have been nice to justify the sudden appearance of former Secretary of Defense James Heller who happens to be wide awake, in Los Angeles, and dressed in an impeccable suit and tie, at two in the morning? But, hey, nice to see him looking hale and hearty and out of intensive care, after driving his car into a lake eighteen months ago. Absurdity factor: 4.

1. So, wow, there really isn't any kind of basic comprehension test involved in becoming vice-president. Huh. Good old Noah Daniels. You can count on him for gravel-voiced intensity, batshit crazy foreign policy, and unrepentant horndoggery. But who knew he had no idea how many people live in America? You'd think the whole being-vice-president thing would mean that he'd be able to ballpark it, but apparently not. In the scene so nice 24 producers decided to play it twice, the "previously on 24" wrap-up included a clip from last week's show in which Daniels says to his lobbyist-lovin' aide Lisa, "I have the fate of the Western World and the lives of billions of Americans hanging in the balance and I can't [tortured, horny pause] stop thinking about you." Billions of Americans? Billions? There are less than 300 million people in America today. So the show ran this goof; no biggie they've done worse — but then they ran it again. Yikes. We look forward to seeing American flags with fifteen stripes and 40-odd stars in future episodes. Absurdity factor: 7. —Ben Wasserstein

Weekly Absurd-o-Meter

Of course I knew Nadia taking over CTU would have to make the Absurd-o-Meter. As soon as that happened I said, "Oh come on. As though a 23 year old is qualified to run CTU." Terence rightfully pointed out that in terms of hotness she is over qualified. Good point. Get going, Buchanan.

Enjoy this week's installment from New York Magazine.

The ‘24’ Absurd-o-Meter: It's a Scheming Bureaucrat's Prerogative to Change His Mind

In Daily Intel's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. Two weeks ago, the season's plot pivoted, with Jack finally catching and killing Fayed and then, moments later, receiving a conveniently timed phone call from Chinese nemesis Cheng, who revealed he's holding Audrey Raines. In last night's episode, the characters pivot along with the plot, conveniently forgetting everything they believed in and fought for just a few hours earlier.

4. Lennox will do everything possible to get rid of Karen, or else he'll do whatever he can to keep her around. Just this morning, back before Tom Lennox was held prisoner by his chief of staff, before he planted a secret recording device to entrap Vice-President Daniels, before President Palmer was gravely injured then miraculously recovered then was gravely injured again, Karen Hayes was the only person who stood between Lennox and his plans of Muslim-American incarceration. So he plotted to force Karen to resign, which she'd gladly do to protect her beloved husband, Bill Buchanan. A few hours later, the secret information that will bring down either Bill or Karen — which, we're now told, doesn't actually reveal that either one did anything wrong — resurfaces, and there are no questions. Tom will work with Karen to keep her around, and Karen's happy to cut Bill loose. Absurdity factor: 4

3. Power remains the greatest aphrodisiac. You thought Daniels was pulling all those power-grubbing machinations — invoking the 25th amendment, conspiring to perjure himself to the Supreme Court, presumably rubbing his hands with glee with Palmer collapsed in the press room — just so he could be president? Well, yes, before. Now he just wants to get his hands on that hot blonde aide. Once he's ensconced in the Oval Office, his first move is terminating Jack's plot to get Audrey. Is his second move focused on terrorism? Or reassuring the nation? Or preserving his own power, even? Nope. It's fondling Amelia. "I'm not sure this is appropriate behavior, Mr. Acting President," she coos. "Well, there's the phone," he replies. "Tell them the Acting President is a dirty old man." Indeed. Absurdity factor: 4

2. Nadia, she's the best! First thing in the morning, CTU HQ, against Bill's wishes, lowered Nadia Yassir's security clearance, because, even though she's a loyal CTUer, she's also an Arab. Nadia was pissed. A few hours later, Nadia was suspected of leaking information to Fayed; she was removed from duty, placed in custody, and tortured by Doyle. Turned out it was all a mistake, and she was returned to duty. Nadia was pissed. So when Bill's forced out of CTU, who's put in charge? Nadia, of course, who'd not mad at all about being shat on all day. "I don't know why they would fire you," she tells Bill. "You're the most ethical, dedicated person I've ever known." A line like that from an aide would get Vice-President Daniels in the sack. Absurdity factor: 5

1. Audrey is brainwashed?! Jack comes out of eighteen months in a Chinese prison — eighteen months in which he was brutally, repeatedly tortured and beaten — acting just like his old self. Audrey, however, leaves able to say just a few words. But what a key few words: "Help me, Jack! Don't let them to do this to me!" So how many hours are left for us to have to watch her repeating that? Absurdity factor: 8 —Jesse Oxfeld

PS to Kristin: I'm just sitting down to watch The Bachelor now.

The worst day ever, until next season

I loved last night's 24. It was one of the best - along with the brother torturing episode. Speaking of which, what happened to Jack's ex-girlfriend/sister in law? Oh, right. who cares? Audrey is alive...

(By the way, I won't point out that there are only 6 hours left in this day. You can't fly from California to China in six hours, I don't care if you are Jack Bauer.)

I can't do better than these hilarious observations:

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2007/04/in_daily_intels_24_absurdomete.html

24 Absurdometer for last night

From New York Magazine. I love their take on Jack's Cape-Fear truck ride:

The '24' Absurd-o-Meter: Five Kinds of Absurdity, Plus Some Uncharacteristic Logic

In Daily Intel's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. This week, Jack goes for a ride under a truck, Fayed goes for a ride with a chain around his neck, and basic dramatic logic takes a ride out the window. Shall we count the ways?

5. Nonameistan continues to go unnamed. "My government has alerted me of the nuclear missile headed to my country," proclaims "the ambassador" (from where? can't say!) as he negotiates with President Palmer. Think about how often President Bush says "Iraq." Now think about the contortions 24 goes through every episode not to name this country. Though, from the looks of this week's finish, we won't have 24's Middle Eastern issues to complain about anymore. Absurdity factor: 3 (of a possible 10)

4. Are you the Keymaster? There's what seems to be an unintentionally hilarious moment when President Palmer learns some new intel and declares, "perhaps it's the key to breaking Fayed," the hardened terrorist mastermind behind the days attacks. Cut to: Jack Bauer punching Fayed in the face, which is clearly very, very far from the key to breaking Fayed. Absurdity factor: 4
3. Just try talking when it's not so loud. While Jack hitches a ride in the undercarriage of Fayed's getaway truck, he attempts to tell CTU his position but can't make a clear call because it's too loud. Indeed, the show goes to great lengths to show how incredibly! loud!! it!!! IS!!!! — but, of course, only when the truck is in motion. Jack's on that thing through a commercial break and another few minutes. There were no red lights? No four-way stops? Slow turns? C'mon! Absurdity factor: 6
2. Fake-outs: What America does best. First President Palmer employs the time-tested "fake nuclear attack" ploy to get An Arab Country To Be Named Later to cough up the name of a Fayed supporter in their government. Then Jack stages a faux-rescue of Fayed in order to get him to lure CTU to his base. The juxtaposition of the two similar tactics was such sloppy storytelling that maybe it was deliberate — could it be that it isn't <24> that's run out of any strategy save time-wasting misdirection, but America? Nah, it's the show. Absurdity factor: 8
1. Good timing, evil China dude. The Audrey Raines–kidnapping Mr. Chang happens to call Jack at 10:55, just after America's favorite agent has finished neatly disposing of Fayed, his nukes, and 17 hours worth of plot. Suddenly, and neatly sequentially, a whole new storyline begins. What a convenient turn of events! Absurdity factor: 9

Bonus: Introducing the Reverse Absurd-o-Meter, which will hereafter be bestowed whenever a character takes the road less travelled and shows a patently un-24-like amount of common sense. This happened four minutes into the episode, when National Security Advisor Karen Hayes tries to put a cocamamie scheme in action. She asks her husband, CTU L.A. director Bill Buchanan, to concoct a story about having a solid lead from Fayed on the location of the suitcase nukes. Bill: "You're asking me to provide a pretext to bring the missile down? Karen, I can't do that. Fayed's not talking and Gredenko's dead. I don't have anything." Yeah, jeez, Karen — what kind of show do you think this is?

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2007/04/the_24_absurdometer_five_kinds.html

Things are cookin' at CTU!

So it turns out Wayne Palmer has a spine after all! All of a sudden he's much more interesting. A fake nuclear attack: very clever, Wayne. Looks like the brain swelling had no mental side effects after all. (I have ceased laundry attempts, so I think I'm out of the woods, too.)

AND I KNEW AUDREY WAS ALIVE!! Go get 'er, Jackie!

This show is so absurd, and I go along with absolute glee. Apparently New York Magazine has also noticed the absurdity, and they comment in a weekly column: The 24 Absurdometer. It's hilarious stuff. Here's the commentary for last week:

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2007/04/the_24_absurdometer_weve_found.html


24 fans, here's the Absurdometer archive:
http://nymag.com/search/sitewide-search.cgi?crumb_qid=11761712770&other_params=absurdometer%7E%7Eabsurdometer&results_per_page=25&search_type=all&sort_param=pubdate



(I haven't watched The Bachelor yet - will get to it tomorrow while Terence is at work. He's taking good care of me - I can't bear to torture him!)

Bad things happen when your brain swells

President Palmer has gone totally wacky! I knew they took him out of that coma too soon.

I've been acting strange after my brain swelling episode, too. Yesterday I actually helped my mom do LAUNDRY! I couldn't figure out where the soap went (despite the page long instructions Terry left). It was pathetic. I've lived here for over two years - that was the first time I used the laundry room. Brain swelling makes you do crazy things.