I would keep that in mind if I didn't think you were crazy...

I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote. I have serious writer's block. I never did manage to write up those last few Bachelor episodes. It's so after the fact at this point that it hardly seems relevant (not that it was ever relevant, but that wasn't the point, was it?).

Don't worry - motherhood hasn't cured me of my love for vapid, trashy TV. In fact, I have been watching The Bachelorette, although, its utter lack of catty psycho drama makes it a much more boring version of this genre. For example, a would-be husband recently told DeAnna that he wanted her to know he was "very engaged in this process." This as opposed to that crazy pyscho Kelly who revealed her feelings for Matt The Bach by flashing him Mardi Gras style. I ask you, which is more entertaining?

Anyway, I think I can attribute my lack of writing inspiration to living the tedious life of a new mother. I don't think posting the fact that my kid pooped two more times today than he did yesterday would be interesting to anyone. Not even to me. But I've got nothing else goin' on. Hence, the writer's block.

The only remotely noteworthy interaction I've had occurred recently in, where else, a Starbucks. I was confronted with the reminder that New Yorkers will butt into anyone's business. I usually appreciate the bluntness and interpret it as a form of affection - just imparting friendly advice. This time, I was less than receptive.

Random woman in Starbucks upon peering into Brendan's stroller: "When was he born?"

Feeling like a proud momma: "Six weeks ago."

With an air of certainty: "Oh. He was premature."

Not appreciating the woman's know-it-all tone: "No, he wasn't."

Condescendingly: "Well, he's very tiny..." [no, actually, he's completely within normal parameters according to my pediatrician's ridiculously detailed growth charts.] I see a raised eyebrow cast my way and I know this conversation is about to take an even more unwelcome turn. "...Are you breastfeeding?"

How did this conversation devolve so quickly? Is this even remotely her business? Grande iced latte now in hand, I quickly start to wheel toward the door. As I retreat, I smile and cheerily reply, "Yes I am. Have a good day!"

Not willing to let me off the hook, the random woman actually attempted to summon me back: "Come here. I want to tell you something."

Is she kidding? I cut this off at the pass and bolted: "No, thanks. I'm good. Enjoy the afternoon."

Can't a girl just get a latte in peace?

The Dairy Queen

First, I'm sorry I haven't posted on The Bach. I have a mental block against it - I have something like four episodes to watch, and it seems like it requires an overwhelming amount of time. I've been trying to avoid any news about the final outcome - but I'm fairly certain I know the deal. I promise to have my thoughts posted soon.

In the meantime, I have some thoughts on another topic. I'm confident this is too much information to be sharing in a public forum, but that has not stopped me before, so here I go again...

As I mentioned in an earlier post, one of my sole past times these days is feeding the ravenous little child now living in my home. He eats constantly. Naturally, I'm trying to fulfill the essential requirement for my emancipation: a freezer full of breast milk. Enter my new best friend/worst enemy: the Medela Pump In Style.

Immediately after my first interaction with this awe inspiring contraption, I had two thoughts:
1. There is absolutely nothing stylish about any part of this "In Style" experience.
2. This machine was most definitely invented by a man.

After milking myself a few more times, I was compelled to explore the roots of this C-R-A-Z-Y device. It didn't take long to find the information I was looking for, and my suspicions were confirmed. I kid you not, the breast pump was invented by Edward Lasker: a man who lived to be 95 years old yet was only married once for a few months before his wife died of a "surgeon's error." He never had kids. He made his living as a mechanical and electrical engineer. Perfect. I'm quite sure if I spent more time I would discover that he had an unusually close relationship with his overbearing mother and later in life was known to display misogynistic tendencies whenever he was not locked in his dungeon-like basement.

If you saw this machine, you would believe as I do, that no innovations have been realized since Lasker's original 1927 model.

Edward Lasker (does he seem like he knows anything about breasts?)

Updated picture of me

My life as the mother of a genius...

Sorry I haven't been blogging. I'm still here. I've been having trouble thinking of anything to write that doesn't have to do with Brendan. I don't wish to be one of those women that has a baby and suddenly can't think of any other topic of conversation. But he's only 3 weeks old, so my life has been pretty consumed with keeping him 1. contently fed and 2. not sitting in poop (note: these goals are diametrically opposed). I don't have a lot of other input these days.

We did have a big outing on Wednesday. Second visit to the pediatrician. I was thrilled to learn I am the mother of an extremely advanced child. Terry called, and I relayed the news:

"Our son is a genius. He has already reached several one month milestones."
"You mean in terms of amount of sh*%t?"
"No, like he will meet a gaze and hold it."
"Meeting gays is a milestone?"

This kid is a riot and he keeps us laughing all day long. But parenting a newborn hasn't been without sacrifice. Last week we ventured to the Upper West Side to run a few errands. Skirting up against a feeding time, Terry stayed with Brendan in our double parked car as I ran into the Sephora on Broadway and 76th Street. Knowing I was playing a dangerous game of chicken, I wasted no time in asking the first sales person I saw, "Where is your Chanel counter?" "We don't have one here, but there is one in the Sephora two blocks down." Sensing that Brendan was probably famished and screaming bloody murder by then, I knew there was no time to travel even that insignificant distance. As I grabbed a Dior liner and mascara, I longed for a slightly more predictable schedule. I know moms are required to give up a lot. But a life without Chanel? I mean, I love my kid, but come on...

Speaking of sacrifices, I've had no time to write about The Bachelor. I promise to catch up soon and get my priorities back in the right place.

Ok, ok! Since you twisted my arm, I'll include a couple of pictures in the meantime:

Air guitar

Post first bath (he has no idea how ridiculous he looks)

Guest Post: A Papa Terry Update

Dear FOJ (Friends/Fans of Joan):

Just a quick update to tell you that Joan has not abandoned her bully, often ridiculous pulpit. She's just a little busy right now with our new little roommate, whom she has affectionately nicknamed "Ravenous Razormouth". I've never been so glad to be male....

We brought Brendan home last Thursday after 4 days in the hospital. He was a city kid from the start; his first experience of the outside world was the noisy riot of traffic-choked 165th and Broadway, and he slept peacefully throughout!

Like all newborns (so I'm told, anyway - what do I know?), Brendan is little bundle of pure id - all needs and appetite - and every day brings entirely new experiences for both him and his parents.

Anyway, here's a couple of our favorite new pictures. Joan and I have promised ourselves and everyone we know that we would not get all obsessive and unrealistic about our kid, but it's difficult to avoid when your baby is the best-looking, smartest child ever born.

Last, thanks to all for the flood of congratulations and love that have accompanied Brendan's birth. Everybody loves a new baby, and it is one of the greatest pleasures of our lives thus far to be recipients of such an outpouring of joy.

TGV

PS: Bachelor fans - stay tuned!

They're real, and they're spectacular

This has been a busy week. Full of unexpected doctor's appointments and unpacking kitchen stuff. They finished the renovation on Tuesday morning (three days early) and sent a cleaning crew in on Tuesday afternoon. By the time I got home on Tuesday night, this place had been cleaned within an inch of its life. They cleaned the entire first floor of my apartment - including the bathroom. I was blown away. For anyone doing a kitchen or bathroom reno in the New York Metro area - I highly recommend MyHome Renovation. (Contact me if you reach out - I'll give you details on our designer and project manager, etc.) By the way - I'll get pictures up soon. Our designer is going to take some in a week or two - so I'll post his.

Now that all that drama is done (I realize this is a hilarious statement to make given the fact that I am giving birth tomorrow morning), it's time to get down to business and get out my thoughts on last week's Bach.

During the opener, Chris informs us that there will be a group date, a special one-on-one date and a two-on-one date. Just that fact that this show has an official event called the "two-on-one date" is enough to hold Terence's attention.

The group date will feature tennis and tea. Robin informs us that it's traditional at "WimbelTon" to have high tea, so this is something that's very important to Matt. 10 seconds later, Matt tells us they're going to have afternoon tea as he throws his head back and says this just cracks him up.

Later, perhaps afraid her tennis ability won't be considered up to par, Shayne finds a patch of grass and shows off her athletic prowess with some gymnastics maneuvers. Matt is obviously impressed, and it does seem appealingly contradictory to her primadonna disposition.

Robin shows a laughable lack of understanding of the premise of the show as she snottily comments on Shayne's display: "I wouldn't go off and do gymnastics. That just seems like a scream for attention to me."

Matt asks Ashlee to take a walk for some one-on-one time. As I'm trying to figure out why she's wearing black knee highs and a parka with her tennis whites, we see some of her behind the scenes commentary. She tells us she was happy about getting this first one-on-one time because "I don't like sloppy seconds". Perhaps you shouldn't go on a show where you share a guy with 24 other women. I'm just saying...

All of a sudden I notice that Ashlee can't stop giggling and it makes her sound like the Road Runner. And then she starts singing again. Oh, PLEASE stop with the singing. There is only so much mortification I can take.

Over tea, Robin tries to act like she might be British. And then Shayne imitates Robin imitating a Brit. I have completely converted on Shayne. I LOVE her.

Again, Robin demonstrates she doesn't understand the construct of this program when she cries upon learning that she may have hurt the other girls by disrespecting them.

Time for Amanda's one-on-one date. Afraid that up until now she may have given an impression that she's boring, she decides she's going to vamp it up for her 1955 All American style date. After applying some extra volumizing hair spray and fuchsia lip gloss, she seeks approval from the other girls who assure her she looks like a raging slut. Not to mention whore. A vixen with the meeps.

Matt's Fonz impression? Adorable. Amanda's transformation? Matt's got chills. They're multiplyin.

Amanda is adorable and flirty on the date. She tells Matt she could tell right off that he had a geeky side. Matt finds her charming. She will go far.

We go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong ...

Meanwhile, as she prepares for the cooking session two-on-one date, Marshana provides a dramatic speech that shows us she is a woman on the edge. She tries to give us insight to the unfathomable amount of stress she's under as the obvious underdog. She assures us she is diggin deep. She's been trying to keep it together. But she can't quite manage it, and the next thing we know, she takes it out on an innocent whisk.

By the time Marshana and Holly leave in the limmo, Marshana has been reduced to a whiney, mopey mess of a puddle. Completely incongruous to the vibe she's giving out, she's donning a giant chef hat at a jaunty angle. Terence drops what I would normally consider to be a groaner of a pun, "That girl is one toque over the line." Maybe it's the hormones, but I thought that was hilarious.

Holly obviously agrees with Marshana's assessment that Holly is the predetermined winner, and states her strategy with all the sunshiny glibness you'd expect from a children's book author, "I'm just going to be me!"

Inexplicably given the cooking theme of the date, all of a sudden Matt and Holly are on a giant bed. Matt is trying to tell her he might be too intellectual for her. He delicately probes on the issue by using the word "boring" instead of smart and says he likes to know what's going on in the Middle East not to mention the financial markets in Brazil. Is she ok with that? In true demonstration of the very problem Matt is trying to get at, Holly says, "Oh yes. I'm boring too. Like sometimes I just like to watch movies. " Seeing she doesn't get it, he tries again by telling her he loves challenging questions. Does she have any for him? Crickets chirping. Her brow furrows and I can see the wheels turning as she tries to decide which of the brain twisters from her SAT prep book best highlights her fun-loving side. "Ok. I have one. Train A leaves Boston at 2:00...."

Despite all this, I must say, I was truly shocked when he gives the rose to Marshana. Truly. While I'm on the Marshana Mystery, can I ask a question? Perhaps I missed a crucial piece of information imparted on the first episode, but why does she keep adorning herself in Indian jewels? And was that a Sari? She is African American. And from Brooklyn. WTF!? Please comment if you can explain this...

On to pre-rose ceremony cocktails. Matt presses Ashlee on whether she believes there is more to their relationship than good looks and music. She immediately peels out a few seconds of her road runner giggle and tells him they should spend a day together to find out. I'm not sure her statement had the reassuring quality Matt was looking for.

Ashlee is not the only girl causing Matt to harbor doubts. As he starts to grill Kelly about her intentions, she quickly senses things are going bad. Her face transforms into an unmistakable may-day, may-day expression when all of a sudden, out of NOWHERE she pulls open her dress to flash her boobs and declares,"Those are very nice. I have very large breasts". I had to rewind and re-watch this scene about five times before I was able to absorb how crazy it was. Terence was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes, but this was also the moment he became a huge Kelly fan.

Confronted with the fact that this girl is a drunken mess, Matt doesn't even know what to do. Kelly sums it up best when she slurs with disgust, "Come on. Try and meet another girl like me. Whatever. You won't." I'm sure Matt is thinking, "Yes. One would have to go to a rehab clinic if you wanted to meet another girl like Kelly." Terry's comment, "Kelly is the Amy Winehouse of The Bachelor."

The rose ceremony was "somber," but Kelly's inevitable exit provides one last burst of entertainment as she states, "I would be dating me if I was a dude." She stumbles off to connect with her dealer. Ashley is devastated to not get a rose. But then, through the tears, a ray of hope in the form of song. Thank God she's gone.

Scenes from the next promise "the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history." I can not wait. One caveat: given that I will be in the hospital for most of the coming week, I have to apologize now for my late posting of tomorrow's episode. I'll get the recap up as soon as I can.

Terence promises to post pictures of Baby Voltz before then. See you all soon...

Why can't we all just get along...

The Bachelor was exactly what I needed at the end of yesterday. I spent most of the day in the hospital hooked up to fetal monitors. Nothing is wrong - they were trying to get my (apparently breech) kid to flip around. Nothin' doin. So I came home just as I went in, with an upside down kid in my belly. Terry and I have taken to singing hits from the 80s to my navel in the vain hope that we may coax this child into challenging gravity. "Turn Around Bright Eyes" and "You Spin Me Right Round" have never held such meaning. With the now almost unavoidable prospect of another surgery in front of me sometime in the next two weeks, I needed some mindless entertainment.

Just as I was contemplating whether there could be anything more mindless than Shayne, there she was on my TV screen in yet another crazy get-up. She and her Agent undoubtedly felt a feathered fedora paired with a soccer team style jacket telegraphed her perfection for some role or genre - but I can not figure out what that might be. Terry thought maybe the next Josie and the Pussycats sequel.

(Aside: I've gotten Terry into the Bach. He tries to act like it's my thing - but I think even he would admit he thinks it's hilarious too. It doesn't hurt that the girls are much trashier this season. I don't think ABC will need to throw NFL appearances into the mix to hold the guys' attention...)

So Holly gets a one on one date. ABC stages a red carpet event, and while I fully expect Holly to find the charade thrilling and romantic, I can't believe snarky Matt keeps a straight face throughout the whole thing. He somehow manages to not be sarcastic while being "interviewed" by the "entertainment reporters" and they pose for a pathetic showing of "paps" - who were actually unemployed actors hired off of Craig's list and paid 20 bucks each to hang around and take pictures of these people as though they were famous. I was so wishing Shayne had gotten this one-one-one date. There is no way she could have gone along with this.

Matt tries to be serious while Holly looks on with Stars in her eyes.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, everyone is having a girls night in when the next date box arrives. Marshana goes outside to pick it up and my early suspicions of her as psycho are confirmed. Her loungin' with the girls attire includes four inch heels, a dress so short there is no way she can do anything but stand with her knees pinned together and some kind of Indian Princess headdress thing. I believe the word is bejeweled.

Shayne is now demonstrating the "I can be a sweet, thoughtful girl wearing a floral print with my loose, softly windswept romantic hair. Perhaps the love interest of a character played by Owen Wilson or Keanu Reaves" look.

Time for some drama, so ABC arranges a ding-dong-ditch drop off from Mann's Theater. It's a celebrity style cement plaque from the red carpet date. It says Matt hearts Holly - which is so seventh grade and the girls oblige by flipping out junior high style.

How do I know Matt thought the Hollywood style date was as ridiculous as I did? He describes the highlight as being in a hot tub with a hot girl. I just love our randy-dandy.

On to the rugby date - which had absolutely nothing to do with rugby from what I could tell. It was more like a "Girls Gone Wild" video, British edition. Matt watches the girls literally wrestling in the mud and calls a spade a spade when he says, "People would pay money for this." (In fact, our Gov did, but I digress).

Back home, Shayne confides in Holly that she's freaking out about her upcoming one-on-one date and to alleviate the stress, she thinks she needs to tan. Little Holly "I'm all goodness and light with my children's book writing career" reveals that she brought a spray tanner. I don't mean the bottle you buy at the Clarins counter. I mean a power operated salon style airbrush tanner with backup generator. How did she get that on the plane? Continuing the "Girls Gone Wild" video theme, Shayne strips down and lets Holly spray her down. This is a remarkable leap of faith. Shayne, you are competing with this girl. It wouldn't take but a slight of the hand and you are an unflattering shade of orange. (Of course, she and her Agent could turn that into an opportunity, I'm sure)

Meanwhile, back on the rugby field, Marshana (who is looking more and more mannish to me, I'm sorry) is the winner of the "dramatic injury of the season" spot. Girls before her have pulled this off with much more panache, and she really comes away with nothing more than a fat lip. (Bevin got a watch and a spot in the final two out of that sprained ankle. I'm just saying.)

Matt and Kelly go into the locker room to see the trainer. Massages all around. Kelly hops up on Matt and takes over. God bless the ABC editors, they cue the porn music for this little interlude. Well played, Kelly. There's no way our horn-dog is sending you home after that maneuver.

Awkward moment of the night was at the post massage party while Amanda was trying to have some quality alone time with Matt. They talk about what kind of music they like. Good God. As though this self-conscious attempt at small talk wasn't awkward enough, Noelle and Christine mope over and just sit there. Everyone acts like they're at high noon tea. "How are you?" "We're fine, thank you. How are you?" "Very well, thank you."

Robin gets the rose, and the reactions shine a light on how banged up some of these girls are. Chelsea graciously points out, "I don't think Robin deserved the rose at all! I also wish that I got it and think that I should have gotten it because I deserved it!" All said with a threatening you're-going-down-style finger pointing that suggested she'll get the guys who unload the trucks at the Dairy Queen she works at to mess Robin up.

Kelly is even more banged up than Chelsea. She slurs out the comment of the evening: "Robin? I don't think that I would ever, in a million years - if I was a dude - want to date her. Never! Robin should go home and I should be here until the end, and I will. I think I should be number ONE!"

Terence: "This woman should be playing a heroin addict on a Law & Order episode."

On to the one-on-one Shayne date. First of all, it should be noted that Holly did an exceptional job with the tanner. And I loved watching Shayne stumble down the stone path in those ridiculous boots. But I'll admit, she's starting to grow on me. And then she drops the bomb. Her dad is Lorenzo Lamas. Holy cow. I did NOT see that coming. This explains everything. She tells Matt that her dad is well-known in America. Except that he's not. Unless it's 1983.

Matt explains he's concerned because she's only 22 and an actress. This may be true, but Shayne actually goes up in my book when she admits with no holds barred that she's high-maintenance. Gotta respect that she knows it and doesn't apologize. Matt recognizes it for what it is too and is hilarious when he says, "Sometimes I think this girl is a sandwich short of a picnic, and sometimes I think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread."

Back at the house, the Robin violent mania-thon meep fest was hilarious. I can't describe that one for you non-viewers, you just had to see it.

All of a sudden it's time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and there is some chick named Kristine talking about the mood in the house. Who is this girl? I swear I have never seen her before. That is how I know she is going home tonight.

Chelsea's cleavage prompts Matt to tell her she rocks. The Dairy Queen Diva is going nowhere.

Speed talker Robin throws down some more violence. She points out that it's a race. She's going to do what it takes to win. It can't be a tie between two girls. Marriage doesn't work that way (although something tells me Matt would be up for that).

The rose ceremony begins.

Matt gives Amanda the first rose so he doesn't have to listen to her meeps.

The camera pans to Kristine and she has an "Oh crap, I'm going home" look on her face. Yes, honey. You're going home. Sorry. Take Amy and Erin with you.

Terry was psyched that Amy the nanny didn't get a rose because that means she's got free time now. He's already contacted her regarding the Baby Voltz job. No references required.

And finally, she's been wearing me down and wearing me down, and it became official once I saw that shoe collection after the credits. I love Shayne. We don't have the same style, but I love the fashionista in her. Did you see her in "scenes from the next" in those ridiculously huge sunglasses while everyone else is trying to look natural and outdoorsy? Love it. Matt is not serious about her, but she's good fun, and I hope he'll keep her around. At least until the hometown date so we can see him meet daddy. Lorenzo Lamas on The Bachelor? Pure entertainment...

British Invasion

Sorry to not have this up sooner. It's been an eventful week. But the next Bach is imminent, so time for me to get the lead out!!

As I've lamented, I missed the premier of The Bachelor due to some renovation-induced chaos. So I'm a bit behind the curve and may not have all the information necessary to identify the crazies yet. Luckily, when it comes to Bach contenders, in most cases it doesn't take more than a brief first impression.

First of all, let me say right off the bat: I like Matt. Admittedly it's probably the accent. It's hard to sound cheesy when you're a Brit. But I sensed an appealingly snarky sense of humor when the recap from the week before shows Matt holding up a pair of underwear previously slipped his way as he says, "I don't care what country you're from, that is not cool." I further see his flippant comments are going to provide ongoing entertainment when he says with a wink, "It's the first time I've been to a fashion show, and it's the first time I've dated 8 women at one time." Matt, you dog. (So much more refreshing than insincere romanticism.)

I don't have much to say about the fashion show except that Holly should have skipped the moonwalk. It's hard to be sexy in stocking feet.

Michelle P kicked off what would soon turn out to be an evening of song with a cabaret-style ditty. Complete with exaggerated, self-aware, show-tune type facial expression. All of a sudden she looks like Jack MacFarland doing his best Brit-Brit impression, and I'm mortified.

Again, having missed the first episode, I was feeling behind the curve, but my first impression of Robin, the Advertising Coordinator, was that I was going to love hating her. First of all, I'm sure her career is skyrocketing from Holland, Michigan - the advertising capital of the world (I know I'm being snobby, but that's what watching The Bachelor is about). Second of all, she pulled one of those click, click sound effect maneuvers with her mouth and combo swivel head tilt that told me she needs help (I can't think of a better description of this mannerism - but I feel like I've seen it mocked on an SNL skit. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? It's driving me crazy that I can't remember this character)...

Ashlee is a wing nut. and I love how she dances around right in front of everyone literally drowning out Matt's speech about how it's too bad he can only give one rose. I see it's taking every ounce of her strength not to start chanting "nanny nanny nah-nah!".

Moving on to the casino date, several of the ladies prove that an IQ test was not part of the entrance requirement as they butcher the English language. Kelly comments, "There is other girls here who want to get to know him," while Shayne points out, "You have 20 other girls eyeing for your attention.".

Speaking of Shayne, I'm so happy to see that Matt has no time for her drama as he slaps her with, "Everyone else is putting up with [the awkwardness of being one of 20 girls dating me], and you're the only one with the issue." Shayne - he's a Brit! They don't find temper tantrums cute. Take it down a notch, girl...

Chelsea may have ended up with the rose, but I sense this may be nothing more than a fleeting, curious dalliance with American trash for our randy Brit. Chelsea's dress looked like a cross between what a cocktail waitress would wear at the Bada Bing and a figure skating costume from the 80s. Already looking like someone who knows how to work the register at the Dairy Queen, she then completes the picture with this classic phrase, "I do great things, but it's hard to share them with nobody but yourself." Indeed.

Some additional (shallow) comments/observations:

• I love Erin S simply becuase she's a hot dog vendor.
• Shayne's hair at the cocktail party makes her look like Elisha Cuthbert as a bordello worker. I sense she and her Agent came up with a list of looks that will demonstrate her acting versatility over the course of the season. Can't wait to see her (slutty) merchant ivory get up.
  
• Robin might be this season's premier psycho. Or it might be lap-dancing Marshana. Either way, I think they'll both be fun.
• Carri is a "Church Marketer". Who pays her salary? What would Jesus have on his business cards?
  
• I love Amanda because she gets stress hiccups. Hilarious!

Of course, I can not let pass without comment the most embarrassing moment of the of the show (possibly of the season - can't say). Carri decides she must continue the talent show parade and while sitting not 12 inches from Matt who is trapped by the edge of a mysteriously small love seat, she opens her mouth and lets her opera singing pipes do their thing. But the song selection just puts me over the edge. Summer time and the livin is easy!? Oh the humanity...

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony. Not yet emotionally attached to any of these girls, I found it pretty uneventful (except for Amanda's hiccups. Adorable). Chris comes in to remind us it's the final rose and I remember how useless he is, and how much I've missed him.

Erin H get the boot and tries to give our Brit a European-style double sided kiss, but turns her head weirdly so he ends up kissing her hair. Awkward!

Ending on a high point, we're treated to a moment of psycho drama after Michelle P emphatically implores Matt to seek out the good. She then goes (tearfully) on and on about how much she misses her cat who is the love of her life. As my friend J pointed out, "At that moment I flashed forward and saw many, many more cats in her future." Couldn't have said it better myself...

Chaos is dangerous

Not only did I miss The Bachelor: London Calling premier episode last week, I didn't even realize I missed it until a couple of nights ago.

Let's blame it on the fact that my kitchen and dining area looked like this for most of last week:


Luckily, I caught tonight's episode and will have comments posted shortly. Stay tuned...

I can't get no satisfaction...

I watched "After the final rose" last week looking for some answers, and I am left utterly unsatisfied. Probably not as unsatisfied as DeAnna, or her father as it turns out, but unsatisfied in a "that's ten hours of my life I'll never get back" sort of way.

My main conclusions:

1. Chris is as appealing in the "grilling host of talk show format" as he is useless in the "facilitator of action as it unfolds" format.
2. Brad is full of crap.
3. Jenni is vapid.
4. DeAnna deserves better, and could be a contender for the next Bachelorette.

The show opens and Chris whets our appetite: "Jenni, DeAnna and Brad are all here. And Brad has some 'splainin to do!"

Because they want to reaffirm The Bachelor franchise as a credible source of happy couples in the face of this season's debacle, and because they need some filler to get to a full hour, ABC trots out some happy couples from years gone by. Of course, Trysta and Ryan lead the parade with their brand new baby in tow. Yeah, yeah, cute baby. Get Brad out here.

Ryan is babbling about fatherhood but I'm more interested in the supers flying across the bottom of the screen: "Jenni confronts Brad" and "DeAnna confronts Brad"

After they bring out Byron and Mary - another "successful Bachelor couple" they finally bring out Jenni.

She hasn't seen Brad since she got the boot. Poor Jenni, they review the footage of her rejection in front of the live audience. I forgot how ugly her cry was up on that pedestal. Yikes.

Chris rubs it in, "You took a huge leap of faith. You told him you loved him. And then he rejected you." I swear he's gloating.

Jenni shows some impartial critical assessment of the DeAnna situation when she says exactly what the rest of us have to be thinking. She doesn't understand why he didn't say, "I can't propose to you right now, but I do want to see where this can go in real life. I do want to go the movies with you. I do want to talk on the phone with you." Yea! What about dating!?

Oh no! Then we learn Jenni's Grandmother just passed away. I'm so sad. I loved that cranky old woman. They dial up the drama with a video tribute to grandma. That woman was an octogenarian (? at least a septuagenarian) who no doubt accomplished many great things in her life. Yet for millions of people, her lasting legacy will be the three minutes of airtime she got on The Bachelor. Jenni couldn't have been more touched.

Finally DeAnna shows her face. An equal opportunity humiliator, Chris grinds her nose into the dirt as well, "You told Brad you loved him and he couldn't say the same." (Is there a graceful response to that? Was it a question?)

DeAnna laments that most men only get one woman! He had two. How could he not choose one? Chris points out maybe the problem is Brad. Dee has to concur. She summarizes the key issue, "I could understand if he couldn't propose, I don't understand how he could let me walk away."

DeAnna goes on to give us insight to the hell she's been living in the "real world". People keep coming up to her and saying, "I think he chooses you." She reenacts how she smiles through her pain and says, "You have to watch and see!"

I get a hint at the train wreck a comin when DeAnna actually admits that she still loves him. She would take him back. She's there with hope in her heart. Good God. My stomach is in knots.

Brad comes out and is probably encouraged by the lack of tomatoes thrown by the audience. Chris cuts to the chase: "Can you explain what happened? You let them declare their love for you and then you broke their hearts."

Brad provides an evasive answer punctuated with a shallow term of endearment with all the skill of a politician, "I don't have a formula for falling in love, man."

Chris plays the trump card that's been up his sleeve and this is when I know Brad is not going to redeem his reputation, "The audience doesn't know we flew DeAnna's father out at your request because we were that sure that there would be a proposal and then there wasn't. How does that make you feel as a man?"

Not satisfied with emasculation, Chris impugns Brad's character when he gets him to admit Brad knew there was something wrong when he bought the ring. Chris exploits the admission, "So, did you feel like a jerk?"

While Brad admitted that yes, it was hard not to conclude that he indeed, was a jerk, he denied the rumors that he was dating someone else, that he has children and/or is gay.

I'm not yet satisfied with the level of awkwardness. But luckily, as had been promised earlier in the show, it's time for "Jenni to confront Brad."

Jenni comes out and she gives Brad a big hug. They do some awkward touching of each other's knees. In his defense, Brad offers this explanation to Jenni, "I was thinking of her when I was with you and vice versa." This boy does not know how to help himself.

Chris chums the water and prods Jenni to state that she's lost respect for Brad. I love Chris.

Just when we think Brad's anxiety level can't get higher, out comes DeAnna. She looks so shiny and full of hope, and I want to scream, "Run! Save yourself! It's not too late!" She's not sure if she should hug him or not, but she does and it is AWK-ward.

I can't avert my eyes from the lamb's journey to slaughter. With stunning speed, Brad effects the fatal wound, "You deserve someone [else] who's going to tell you all the things you told me: that you're so in love with me, that you want to have my kids." Oh, the bleating. It will haunt my dreams.

Brad tells DeAnna he is just as broken hearted as she is, that he thinks of her everyday. But immediately douses whatever hope that may have ignited with the definitive, "I'm very confident in my decision."

DeAnna sobs, "It still doesn't make any sense. I guess I hoped you wouldn't let me walk out of your life for a second time. You won't get another chance after today." I'm thinking, Brad - her nails are perfectly manicured and that dress is adorable. You may have some crow to eat to get back in dad's good graces, but what are you doing!?

Impervious to the flawless fashion in front of him, Brad continues, "I understand. I can't apologize for not falling in love."

Trying to make a case for not being stoned to death in the parking lot by the studio audience, Brad pleads, "I thought I was taking the high road."

DeAnna assures him, "You made a mistake. Whether you know it or not."

With one last hollow comment, Brad tells DeAnna, "I'll miss you more than you'll ever know." Over his particular brand of bullsh*%t, DeAnna doesn't let him off the hook, "Please don't say that to me right now."

Could DeAnna be a contender for the next Bachelorette?

!?!?!?!?!?

Ok, Bachelor fans. I am still trying to figure that one out. Needless to say I will be watching tonight's "After the Final Rose" episode for an explanation from Mr. Womack. Since most of you reading this already know what happened, it will feel all wrong to start at the beginning, but allow the indulgence for those that get their only Bachelor fix here...

Meeting Mom

First of all, is this supposed to be Brad's house? I'm confused. Isn't he from Austin? That house looks like it's on the ocean. My friend from Austin tells me there is a river there and parts of it are wide enough that it could seem like a wider body of water, but I don't know. Anyway, where ever that house really is, he needs an interior decorator. It seemed like a Hampton's share house - you know those big gorgeous houses that get stripped of everything before they get rented out to minimize the damage. It felt empty (hmm... symbolic foreshadowing?)

But Brad's mom seems cute and fun. I'm thinking she would be a good mother in law as far as MILs go (I married an orphan. I'm a lucky, lucky woman).

In preparation for DeAnna's arrival, Brad describes her as one of strongest and most independent people he's met in a long time. I don't know if that would be a good thing for a MIL used to ruling the roost, but momma is happy that DeAnna is from Atlanta.

Maybe this is not new and I missed it before, but all of a sudden Brad is calling her "Dee". Out loud I said, "What? He's calling her Dee now?" Without skipping a beat, Terry pipes in, "I think it's short for 'D Cup'"

Anyway, Brad tells his family "Dee" has been a bartender for 8 years. He said "has been". Doesn't that sound like present tense to you? She's listed as a realtor. I just found that odd. Anyway, Brad jokes that maybe DeAnna can be an employee if she sticks around. How affectionate.

Brad's mom notices that he can't stop touching Dee and asks Dee if she's expecting a proposal. She immediately responds, "Definitely". Cocky. But she seemed appropriately respectful and butt-kissing and I think she wins over Mrs. Womack in the end.

Off camera, DeAnna says Brad's mother reminds her of her own mother. That dead mother card has worked extremely well for this girl. (If Hillary is watching this episode she's thinking, "I wish my mother was dead")

I don't really have anything to say about the Jenni family summit. She just keeps laughing that dolphin laugh and it's SO annoying. I think Momma finds her sweet but is none too thrilled about spending every Thanksgiving with the sonic giggler.

At this point I'm thinking that D cup is going home with a ring...

Brad has a heart to heart with mom, and watching the two of them is so endearing. Brad is clearly a momma's boy. He tells mom that he knows he will be breaking two hearts, "Mine and the woman I say good bye to." Mom basically says, "Yeah, good luck with that. I don't know what I would do if I were you." Brad responds, "Thanks for nothing!" How cute are they?

DeAnna, I can see why you want to share that Mrs. Womack title with this woman...

Last chance to tell me how much you love me...

When Brad stops by DeAnna's place for a visit, she is cooking and baking to relieve her stress. What man could resist a woman who relieves stress by making cobbler instead of shrieking about how he just doesn't understand her?

Just so Brad doesn't think it's going to be all cobbler and coddling, Dee sets the record straight on who will rule that house when Brad asks what will happen if he leaves the toilet seat up, "The first three times I'll put it down myself. After that we're going to have a talk. I want things done the way I want them done. The dishes should be put where I want them. The laundry should be folded the way I want." Ok - I may not know how to turn the oven on, but I have more in common with Dee than I thought.

Does Jenni make him cobbler? No. She tells him she's going to be a lot of work, but she thinks she's totally worth it. After all, she can communicate with dolphins. She lets him know she's falling in love with him, but the words come out in sputters in between spit projecting exhales. She is so unappealing right now that I'm betting Brad wishes she was back in Phoenix.

The final rose?

Jenni shows up for what she has to hope is a proposal. Would you wear those Christmas ornament earnings to such an occasion? Or to any occasion, really? Brad utters some sweet nothings and all seems to be going ok. But then he brings his head up with sudden drama and through her sonar, Jenni senses the swift blow coming. They hug and her hair sticks to his Don Johnson stubble. A final humiliation before she's whisked away.

Chris appears out of the bushes by the driveway to escort DeAnna to Brad and I notice that our host is particularly useless in this episode.

Brad tells DeAnna he's already said goodbye to Jenni. She smiles and I'm thinking this is all going according to plan. I thought she would be the one. But suddenly Brad starts having a freak out. He begins walking in a circle and exhibiting that calisthenic behavior he displayed right before booting Bettina. This is unexpected. What is going on? DeAnna is left awkwardly standing up by the rose pedestal all by herself and I'm thinking she must feel like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing when Patrick did his solo down on the floor and she was left standing on the stage.

But he comes back. And that's when he says it. Did she remember when she told him that marriage was forever? He believes that too which is why he can't make that promise right now and he has to say goodbye.

Holy cow, I did not see that coming. I half expect our host to pop up on the podium and re-explain the premise of the show to our Bachelor-would-be-proposer.

If I were DeAnna, I think I would be speechless - but God bless her, she demands some answers. "So what? We're just friends? That just doesn't sound right. How can you say you care about someone and then just let them walk away?" She hugs him before leaving, but the look on her face is not embracing.

Wow. Poor DeAnna. First a dead mother and now this. And I think this is even worse than coming in second place. In that scenario at least you can tell yourself, "Well, he likes me, but he likes someone else more." This is, "Well, he'd rather blow this whole thing off - the whole reason he came here - than get engaged to me." Come on, Brad! We all know you don't have to stay together! Give the girl some Chopard.

I need answers. Thank God it's time for the "After the final rose" episode.

The Women Tell All so I don't have to...

It's Sunday night, and I still haven't written up last week's Bachelor. I'm really sorry for my lameness. This week was filled with inconvenient Bachelor delays. I watched the sunrise on Wednesday morning - from the runway at LaGuardia. Yuck. Then I spent just a little under 20 hours over the course of two days in a cramped conference room with 25 people in PowerPoint hell.

After my zombie-state-inducing week, I thought I would get to the write up over the weekend. But that, too, was jam packed. I worked until 9:00 on Friday night, met with a kitchen designer on Saturday before heading out to the wilds of Brooklyn for a friend's birthday and then entertained my cousin who's visiting from London on Sunday (after watching my Giants beat Detroit). No Bachelor time.

So here it is, Sunday night, and I'm so tired. I don't really have the energy to give the play by play of last week's jilted women episode. Lame (me. not the episode).

I'm going to just leave you with some topline thoughts on my favorite moments, and we'll move on to tomorrow's episode.

• First of all, can I note, the tell all episode is a fabulous platform for our host, Chris. I've never seen him so empowered. He had an actual role and purpose. He really came out of his shell, and it turns out he can be snide. Who knew?
• I was so happy to see crazy McCarten again. I loved when we got a reprise of that bi%$#iness we could always count on her for when Chris asked her about her reputation of being a bully. She explained it as a by product of her extreme maturity. This catalyzed a little on-stage fight which ended with Sarah calling McCarten a little skank. As I was filled with nostalgia for those early cat-house days, Terry pointed out that much like politicians are, by nature, liars, the girls on this show are, by definition, skanks.
• Hillary was a great sport. She had to watch all those clips of the most dramatic exit ever (which demonstrates how bat-sh*#$ crazy she is) in front of a live audience. Did you notice they clapped after the clip was shown, by the way? What was that!? Anyway, Hills laughed it off. That takes guts. Or really good medication. And then, there goes Chris with his new streak of sarcasm. After Hill laments that she wished Brad had just told her he wanted to be friends, Chris shoots back, "I think he could have written it out in sky writing and you would have said, 'Oh look, he's proposing!'" Later when Brad comes out, Hillary gets an apology which ends with Brad's assurance to Hillary, "I think more highly of you than you realize". She smiled in a way that said, "Oh my God, I'm so excited that we're dating again."
• Bettina's revisionist history recount of her hometown date indicated the public humiliation she endured had sent her over an emotional precipice and caused a rift with reality. She stated Brad was too defensive in the face of what she felt was a reasonable line of questioning by her family. How can she defend those people and their abhorrent behavior? A team of family therapists needs to get over to her dad's house immediately and coach Bettina out of her emotional dependency issues.
• I truly loved when Chad came out and admitted what we all thought from day one: "We don't look anything alike." Meanwhile, I think he's married, but Chad and Sheena could not keep their hands off each other. I was cringing for Mrs. Chad as he went on a scree of how classy and elegant Sheena is.
  

That's all I got. Just a few thoughts. But the positive side of such a delay is that it's already Bachelor time again. Can't wait to meet Brad's momma ...

Cab-Oh-No!

There is something so wrong about the overnight dates. It's just mortifying watching these ladies give it up one by one. And sure enough, the teaser opening scenes let us know this episode would be fit for Channel J. Uncomfortably, I settled in for some voyeuristic mimbo watching. Not that I'm some raving feminist, but there is a name for a girl who has overnight dates with three different guys over the course of three nights in a row, and it's not "Texas millionaire looking for love." Something about Debbie Does Dallas comes to mind, but let's move on...

Jenni

Brad's opening greeting, "What is up?" reminds me of my seventh grade boyfriend's favorite conversation starter.

So what does one do for a date when you're in beautiful Cabo San Lucas? Swim with the dolphins, of course. Jenni tries to act psyched, but is clearly nervous.

Yet as Jenni and Brad frolic in the water, I suddenly realize Jenni may have been separated at birth from a dolphin family. Think about it. She likes to perform in front of a clapping crowd. I've seen her jump through many hoops over the past six weeks. And most striking - she's constantly throwing her head back and pealing out syncopated, high-pitched laughs. I'm now convinced we're only hearing the lower sound waves of those obviously sonic quality "giggles." An inexplicable distinction: dolphins have very large brains. Maybe Jenni is smarter than she appears.

Enough frolicking. On to the romantic dinner. All of a sudden, Jenni gets coy. She let's Brad in on a secret: she doesn't want to tell him what she feels if he's just going to disappoint her. She goes on, "It's hard for me to say it, it's so much easier for me to show it." Cue the Channel J music...."I'm pretty sure you have something in your pocket" She's either referring to the fantasy suite card or something more naughty. Either way, she's a slut.

She full body frisks Brad all the while cackling like a dolphin.

Terry's comment from the peanut gallery: "She is the most shallow out of all of them. And she has a dumpy butt." (Oh, the irony.)

Jenni's rationale for her loose behavior, "I feel that I'm here because I was supposed to meet him [and further my career as a Phoenix Sun Dancer.]"

I'm mortified. Let's hope Gramma isn't watching.

Bettina

Brad gives us a line into his thinking as he gets ready to greet Bettina. "I've got to keep an open mind. [I've got two more women to sleep with, after all.]"

He lets us know the stakes are high for Bettina. If he doesn't see the true Bettina now, he fears he never will.

Brad and Bettina head out on an America's Cup racing boat. High class enough for even Bettina's family. Speaking of, Bettina mentions, "My family's only concern was whether it was a two way street." Ok, that is total crap. They had many concerns, the least of which was whether it was a two way street. Their main concern was that Brad's livelihood was equivalent to street-sweeping and that were she to marry him, Bettina would inevitably end up a street-walker.

There was no chemistry during the romantic dinner, and I know Bettina is going home. But not until Brad samples the goods.

Nice butt shot getting into the hot tub. The camera just lingered and lingered.

Bettina says she is falling in love with Brad, but she is "shy about it" Yes. Very shy.

DeAnna

Poor DeAnna clearly drew the date short straw. Race car driving. Helmet hair and dust storms. Awesome. But DeAnna shows she's a good sport and even sasses Brad over his poor driving skills. Well done, playful-doesn't-let-her-dead-momma-get-her-down-DeAnna.

Over dinner, Brad pulls out the line, "I don't meet people like you very much." Oh my God! He uses this line on EVERYONE. Jenni's mom. DeAnna's dad, and now DeAnna. What the hell? Ok, but it is better than, "What is up?"

DeAnna pours her guts out on the table. She tells Brad she's falling in love with him. But her bangs are driving her crazy. And the way she keeps brushing them out of her eyes is driving me crazy. I can't concentrate.

But I do know that DeAnna is one smart cookie. Of course, EVERYONE told Brad that they're falling in love with him. But DeAnna has been so reserved until now, it absolutely maximizes the impact of her words. Well done, Ms. Crafty. Opa, indeed.

The Rose Ceremony

Oh, crap this is awkward...

Brad uses a metaphor and I'm stunned. "The weather is tumultuous just the way my feelings are tumultuous." I didn't know he was so literary. Take that, Bettina's family!

He goes on with some hilarious commentary, and I swear, he's become some kind of one man show.

"Someone is going to walk away with what I assume will be a broken heart, and to be the cause of that breaks my heart." That's why I slept with all three of them.

"When I started this it was me standing in front of a room of strangers." Now I'm in front of three women I just slept with and you all know it.

Meanwhile, Bettina looks a little hungover at the rose ceremony. I think she knew she was going home so while Brad was shacking up with DeAnna the night before, Bettina was down at the bar preparing for the searing humiliation she'll feel when she has to face her family again. "Why am I such a loser? Hey, bartender, I told you to keep 'em coming. What does a girl have to do to get a drink around here!" Even worse than the hangover pallor, her dress looks like a milk maiden's costume.

Brad literally starts stretching and flexing before giving out the final rose. It seemed like he was getting ready to be in a shot-put competition. Very unsettleing, but accomplishes the task of underscoring the drama.

As expected, Milk Maiden Bettina gets the boot. Brad's explanation: "After all this time, I'm still looking at Bettina as a complete mystery, it shouldn't be that way." Yes, you should definitely know someone completely after six weeks. I don't think Brad is much for complexity.

Anyway, Bettina keeps it together. Already looking ahead, she cautions, "I can't even imagine putting myself out there right now." Terry's comment, "Maybe she should go back to her first husband." As if he'd have her.

Next week's tell all brings back craz-azy Hillary - can't wait. And the girls meeting Brad's family slash it would be impossible for me to love you more contest looks like it will be a winner...

Nice to meet you, Sir

I just love the Bachelor hometown dates. I derive such schadenfreude from watching our Bach meet the fathers. Meeting your girlfriend's parents is stressful enough - then throw in the fact that everyone in the room (not to mention America) knows you're dating three other women in addition to their precious daughter. Pure entertainment.

But first, the "previously on The Bachelor" scenes remind me of Hillary's visit to crazy town. I miss that girl. Enough dwelling on the past, there's new drama to get snide about. Let's meet the families...

Jenni
Hometown: Somewhere in Kansas (does it matter where?)

I've never noticed Jenni's inability to stop giggling girlishly before, but I see it now and it's driving me crazy. Moving on...

After telling Brad to meet her at the theater where she won her very first dance competition, arranging to gain access to the hall, making sure the stage lights were on and having a set constructed complete with heart decorations that match her dress, Jenni gets out on stage to perform and says, "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed." Somehow, Brad drags her out of her shell by saying, "Don't be at all." Jenni flips her hair and jumps into her routine without pause.

While watching her perform, Brad can't help but see her love for cheerleading shine through (she loftily refers to it as dance, but let's call a spade a spade). Brad knows if she makes the Phoenix Sun Squad for another year, she'll have to follow her heart and stay. The prospect of a long term romance fills Brad with worry. Jenni reminds him compromise is important in a relationship. You know, like when you have to share your boyfriend with 24 other girls on national TV. Compromise.

Off to dinner with the family at the hair salon (!?) where Jenni's mom works. Grandma Betty is scary. I don't like to show disrespect for my elders (except my husband), but that woman looks like a troll. But her relentless crankiness begins to warm my heart. As she lashes out with her snide one liners, it's hard not to realize it's like looking in a mirror. It's me in 40 years. But I will have a better T shirt. Favorite line, "That little lady ain't no walkin' baby makin' factory." You tell 'em, Granny!

In between courses, Jenni's mom brings Brad over to the shampoo station(!?). While she's whipping his head around like a spinning top, Brad offers a furtive compliment, "This is comfortable." Yep - that's the word I would use to describe this situation. Comfortable.

Brad informs Jenni's momma that despite being in a bar all the time, it's hard for him to meet the right kind of women there. He doesn't get to meet women like Jenni very often at all. This seems to mollify Jenni's mom and she doesn't seem offended even though I'm fairly confident she met Jenni's dad in a bar.

I liked Jenni's dad better after he made a wheelchair joke, "Let me tell you a secret, Brad. You don't have to worry about Grandma as long as you stay out of her reach."

Over dinner, Jenni finds out she's made the team. Let's all compromise. She's in it a million percent. Meanwhile, Brad's hair doesn't look so hot. So good luck with that salon that appears to be in a corn field in the middle of nowhere.

Sheena
Hometown: Walnut Creek, CA

Sheena's parents pull up in what has to be a $200,000 boat and I'm thinkin that makeshift dining room in the back of the salon is looking pretty shabby right now.

Speaking of salons, Sheena's mom should get to one because it looks like has been hennaed within an inch of her life.

We get a peak at the looniness to ensue while still on the boat and Sheena's mom asks Brad what sign he is. Luckily his sign passes the compatibility test, and the fun loving afternoon continues.

But after dinner the hippy dippy crap really starts pouring out. Sheena's mom believes she's seen the truth, and it's that Sheena is the ONE. She may not be Brad's ONE, but she is SOMEONE'S one. I swear she had to be drunk because she wasn't making any sense at all. "You know, you can lasoo the big dipper from our hot tub. Oh! And you're the same sign as my husband. Oh my Gosh." Brad doesn't know what to say and eeks out a tentative, "Mm-hmm." A lifetime of Thanksgivings spent eating tofu turkey before gathering around the oujie board flash before his eyes.

Later, from the Big Dipper Hot Tub, Brad tells Sheena meeting her mom has been a great way to see how she got to be who she is. And he kissed her on the cheek. And that's when I know it was over for Sheena.

DeAnna
Hometown: Canton, GA

DeAnna must know she's coming off as a hard edged b*%#ch, because she actually showed up to meet Brad with a basket of Georgia peaches. Because she's so Martha like that.

I don't have much to say about DeAnna's family. They seem like fun. Who wouldn't like a family that drinks Ouzo and dances in a circle in the middle of the day?

DeAnna is so clearly a Daddy's girl, so Brad knows he's got to impress Papa. He says, "I don't meet girls like your daughter too often," and I almost die. No he didn't. He used that same exact line on Jenni's mom! (Meanwhile if he had only met Hillary's parents - that line would be perfect.)

Fearing that the peaches may not have been enough to completely soften her image, D trots out the dead mother. And how. Photo albums galore. Papa reminds Brad that his little girl has had a hard life without her momma. Who's a b*%#ch now? Beat that, ladies!

Bettina
Hometown: Washington, DC

First of all, I'm befuddled by the wardrobe choice. What's with the yoga warm up outfit? Your boyfriend is coming to see you in your hometown for the first time, and you pull on sweatpants? That decision will come to haunt her - the opening shot as she turned to hug Brad with sweatpants up the butt was not flattering.

So where do I begin with Bettina's family? They are awful, awful people.

Right after Brad mentions that he dropped out of school to go into business (aka, become a bartender), he finds out Bettina's dad is a professor. Off to a great start. Trying to make light of the situation, Brad jokes, "It's a family friendly business." Do they graciously let him off the hook? Of course not. "Oh, so your family is in this business?" Squirming, "Um no, I meant that as a joke."

Silence.

I feel the blood rushing to my head. I'm ready to crawl under my couch.

I'm half hoping this could be a case of dramatic editing. Maybe the mood in the room is not as uncomfortable as I imagine. But then the behind the scenes commentary from Bettina's father tells me all I need to know, "I don't want my daughter to be with a guy who runs a bunch of bars. The fact is that her first husband was a wonderful, wonderful (two wonderfuls!?) man. She'll never find anyone who's any better." Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad. If my father ever said that, I would punch him.

Stepmom tells Brad how important this all is as she looks down her nose at him and gives him a condescending glance. "This conversation has grown tiresome, I'm going to take the dog out now."

Brad feels justifiably judged and B's response is, "I don't look that good on paper either." In other words, don't worry that my family thinks you're a loser. They think I am too. Didn't you just hear my dad say I'll never do better than my first husband whom I couldn't manage to hold on to? Hell, I couldn't even get out of these sweatpants today. We're perfect for each other.

Going into the rose ceremony, I was torn. That passionless peck on the cheek in Sheena's Big Dipper Lasso tub said a lot. On the other hand, I really could not get over how dreadfully snobby Bettina's family was.

But in the end, snobby beats hippy dippy and Sheena gets sent packing. At first she handles it well, but it all comes flooding out at once when Brad says he's not the guy for her. I guess she's someone else's ONE after all.

Cheer up honey. You got the Chopard. I think you're ahead of the game.

Just standing around chatting with my three girlfriends...

And then there were four...

I have been finding this season of The Bachelor a little boring. Maybe it's because I was making it through the last season on narcotics. But this week the introduction lets me know that we will be witnessing "The most dramatic exit in Bachelor history." Ok. They've got my attention.

Terry tries to act like he's working, but looks up from his laptop as our host Chris explains whoever makes it past tonight gets the hometown dates and says, "This guy is useless. And what's up with that shirt? That is awful." (As much as I love our host, the shirt is awful.)

Right off the bat, DeAnna claims that she's onto Bettina's game. That wiley Bettina is trying to be the mysterious girl, says DeAnna. The girl you can't figure out what she's got going on. Yes, she's trying to make Brad fall in love with her in six weeks or less. Very hidden agenda. Covert, even.

Bettina pipes in and implies she's been playing hard to get up until now. It's just the way she's been brought up. Hmm. Sending in an application and auditioning to appear on national televition and compete to marry a man you have yet to meet. Very hard to get.

On to the Group Date. A pool party at Brad's. He drawls out that he just wants to get to know these ladies in a more comfortable situation. More comfortable. Like in bikinis on a slip 'n slide. Mmmm... comfy.

Hillary's not-made-for-TV bleeper fantasy fest was hilarious. Made even funnier because I know it will be soon followed by "The most shocking exit in Bachelor history." Then I see a glimpse into the catalyst. Right after Hillary gives Brad the "you remind me of my dad and they say girls marry their dads," speech (a very disturbing scene to cut to after Hillary's let me tell you what I want Brad to do to me fantasy) Brad tells her he thinks they may be too good of friends. The F word. Right to her face. I'm wincing, but God bless her, this blows right past Hillary who claims to be thrilled about their connection. Glancing up from the keyboard, Terry notes, "She's not reading the right mail, is she?"

Hillary doesn't get it when Brad tells her they are "too good of friends," but the facade starts to break down when she realizes he's going off to kiss Jenni in a hammock. "Why is that not me!?"

On to Sheena's one on one date. What was with the balloons? That did not seem romantic to me. It looked like a low budget bar mitzvah. Redeeming moment: strapping on the Chopard.

Sheena's kind of goofy, and it's endearing (how about that fall down the stairs? Haven't we all been there?). But the sweetness crosses the line to awkward with the rose ceremony poem delivery. She sets the moles on Brad's arm and patch of hair on his ear to iambic pentameter. What the hell? She's trying to tell him that she likes him and that's what she says? Why didn't she say she noticed how small his hands and feet are for God's sake. Brad is speechless and asks if he can keep the poem. Terry's comment from the peanut gallery, "So I can show it to all my friends next month after I boot you off the show."

Brad tells Bettina their date was perfect. Bettina agrees. Of course, not as perfect as walking away with Chopard diamond earrings, but pretty good.

Then more signs of the trainwreck that's a comin' with some commentary from Brad, "I want to talk to Hillary so badly because at the pool party she asked me point blank what my feelings for her were, and I had to be honest - that this girl is just a friend. That's what I want her to know tonight. But how can I relay that to someone who won't listen to a word I'm saying?"

Brad gives her the speech, "Let me be a straight shooter. We're good friends. I don't get nervous around you because I think of you as a friend. I'm telling you this because I am trying to be a good friend. Are you ok? I'm only asking as a friend."

God bless her, she doesn't miss a beat and launches into her response, "I feel the same way. We're best friends. We could be lovers. And husband and wife. I'm so happy when I'm around you, I just want to thank you for that." Brad blinks twice as his life flashes before his eyes. Later Hillary lets us in on her thoughts, "Some of the girls see us as more of a best friend type of thing. You know what? I feel more than that, and I know he feels more than that too and I know with the circumstance he can't really say how he feels."

Oh my God. Somebody get her therapist on stand-by. With a syringe full of something powerful.

Suddenly it's happening. The meltdown is in full throttle. Hillary holds her head in her hands while she tries a visualization exercise and repeats over and over, "Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason." My therapist always says, "everything happens for a reason."

Brad tries to step in and calm down the scenario, "I want you to know I think you're one in a million." To which Terry responds, "Or at least one in twenty five. Of all the women I've met on this show, you're definitely one of them." [Way to go, ABC - you've converted another viewer with your slutty girls and NFL mentions.]

Hoping next week's hometown dates will bring more drama....

Wanna meet my dad?

If your name is not Jenni, please pack your bags...

Right off the bat, Jenni gets the one on one date and nearly dies of elation. I thought I saw her eyes roll back in her head for a minute and I truly thought she might short circuit.

Brad's dramatic entrance to pick her up in the helicopter would have been a lot more romantic and less comic had there not been all that debris swirling around like hundreds of little Tasmanian devils. The girls refused to stop flashing their best toothpaste model smiles even as they were pelted by flying objects moving with stingingly strong centrifugal force. Hard to look cute when your hair is caught up in a wind tunnel, but God bless them, they tried.

The other girls can not hide their resentment as Brad and Jenni whiz off. Hillary immediately gets her therapist on the horn and asks for refills on three of her seven prescriptions.

Jenni giggles girlishly as she flips her hair and says, "If he doesn't give me the rose I'm going to jump off this building!" As if he's not giving her the rose. Unless she tells him she has gonorrhea during dinner, I think she's safe. Even then, she might be ok - unless she says she caught it from her dad. (Ok, I know that was over the line, and my mother is appalled right now if she still reads this blog. But there is something so sickeningly pure about Jenni that brings out my dark side.)

Just when I think Brad is going to give Jenni a puppy before they pedal off on a tandem bike, ABC cuts through the sweetness with a peak at what's going on back at the house. McCarten and DeAnna are stirring the pot with some Class A, high-school style mind games. Don't you remember that girl who was the leader of the "in crowd," but really no one liked her? Think Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls. That's what's going on back at the mansion in the name of, "Let's be friends. Let's put on our pj's and bond. Let me tell you why you're stupid and ugly and SOOO not Brad-worthy. Oh, and Hillary, I forgot to tell you. Your therapist called you back five hours ago. I meant to tell you before, but I didn't think of it until just now when I saw you walking around with that steak knife."

On to the group date. Brad tries to pretend like any of the non-Jenni girls still have a chance. They all humiliate themselves to the absolute base level during the improv session and I die a little inside as I watch them grovel. Hillary's uppers kick in as she bounds around as a cheerleader and then pronounces, "I was a FREAKin' rock star today!"

Kristy has a meltdown because she sucks at improv. Brad tells her not to worry. Bettina gets the rose and Hillary pages her therapist.

Bettina envisions the future, "Brad likes me...I can really see us having this great life together." Yea. Just you and Brad. And Jenni.

DeAnna and Jade's date with Brad was HIL-A-RI-OUS. Dueling banjos. All I could think of was that character on SNL played by Kristen Wiig. The one who's always one one-upping everyone with outrageous claims. She's a recurring character and the first few times I saw it I found it annoying, but now I think it's funny (If you don't know what I mean, check this out: Penelope at an Auction)

Meanwhile, back at the house, Bettina injects some unwelcome level-headedness when she tells the others it's naive to think you can get engaged to someone after knowing them for six weeks. As a divorcee, she knows from experience. Hillary calls her a used car and laughs like a jackal.

Poor Jade gets the boot. She was no match for that DeAnna.

The mind games continue at the rose ceremony party. The girls grill Jenni about her intentions once they find out she got the first kiss. One by one, the ladies pull Brad into a corner and tell him they don't want to cry as they begin to cry. "Brad, how can you turn away from someone brave enough to express this kind of raw emotion?" Meanwhile, I don't know what happened to McCarten. All of a sudden she's wearing an elegant dress and she's unsure about whether she even wants a rose. What's going on?

No surprise, McCarten and Stephy get sent packing.

The winning parting line came from McCarten, "Brad is an amazing person that I could see being the father of my children. Or my husband." Multiple choice.

Scenes from the next gave me a peak into what I knew was coming all along. Hillary's nervous breakdown. The carefully calibrated medication balance seems like it may get off center next week. We may need another medivac. Is it so wrong that I find that so funny?

Conflict of interest

Just some forewarning (advance lame excuse?). As though I haven't been late enough with my Bachelor recaps (I was so much more prompt when blogging and brain surgery recovery were my only two jobs), I will be experiencing a scheduling difficulty tonight that will likely delay the recap yet again. My Giants are playing Monday Night Football. Sorry to say I will be watching them - not Brad Womack. If Solisa were still on I might have the priorities the other way 'round, but alas, I'd rather watch Manning, Burress, Shockey, Ward, Jacobs, Strahan, Kiwanuka and Umenyiora than Stephy, Deanna, Jenni, McCarten, Hillary, Sheena, Kristy, Bettina and Jade.

Super Twin Power

Having been primed to expect "the most shocking cocktail party ever," I was pretty excited as I settled in for this week's Bachelor.

I was instantly filled with a disoriented feeling, however, when I saw Solisa wearing a shirt. I almost didn't recognize her. But Bachelor antics quickly ensued, and I began to feel comforted by the recurring themes of shameless manipulation and stultifying displays of complete lack of self awareness.

On to the wacky circus group date. Knowing she was in a position of strength after executing a round-off-backhandspring-back tuck (which I used to always do at the beginning of every date in my younger years), Jenni asks a critical question of Brad: "Would you let me stay in Phoenix?" It's very important to her that she get to finish her season as a Phoenix Sun Dancer. Again, Brad demonstrates that unscripted goofiness that I'm really starting to love when he very logically points out, "Well, you're letting me date other people." Hard to argue. Jenni is a very agreeable girlfriend.

Vying for some attention, Stephy talks (too much) about Daddy the triathlete who has really high standards. Please, oh please, let her get a home town date so Brad the bartender has to meet that guy. She can't remember the last time she's been asked out. Oh. Poor Stephy.

Now that Michele shower-cap-highlights-on-taupe is gone, I'm obsessed with McCartens' tan lines. Can we get some bronzing powder? Some tan spray? A non-strapless dress? Is the stylist on vacation or what?

Brad likened the feeling of being at the Circus with all these fine ladies to being "that kid from Titanic." I wasn't sure if he felt like The King of The World, or if he was having premonitions of one of these ladies prying his cold dead fingers off her arm and pushing him to the cold, bottomless sea...

Hillary-I'm-on-amphetamines' peeling scream and immediate speed trip when she found out she got the one-on-one date was enough to rattle anyone to the core, forget someone with titanium in their head. I bravely pressed on.

Not to be outdone, Stephy-daddy's-girl let out a squeal when she got the date rose that prompted a comment from Terence (until that point, busily typing away on his laptop - not paying attention due to the complete lack of bikini wearing and/or NFL celebrity appearances), "She's annoying." Back to typing.

After much primping (and later evidence would suggest, the consumption of some downers to take the edge off those amphetamines) Hillary descends the stairs ready for her one on one date. Dehanna loses that sunny, good girl disposition for a moment to state the obvious, "It wasn't fun watching another girl get a million dollars worth of jewelry thrown on her." The other girls shot daggers from the couch as still-speeding-Hillary bounded out the door.

After a few champagne chasers, the downers kicked in. Hillary spiraled into an "I want to be in love with you for the rest of your living days" speech. God bless him, Brad kept interrupting her. I could see the deer in headlights look in his eyes when he said, "Are you ok?" What he meant was, "Good God, please don't say another word. I'm sure you're capable of ending my living days should I decide not to 'love' you anymore." At this point they've known each other for what - a week? I'm convinced he gave her the rose simply to stop her from crying.

Brad quickly devises a plan to bring Hillary back to manic mode (manic Hillary is more fun than depressive Hillary): ice cream. Did you catch the bartending maneuver with the sundae glass? Very Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

On to the sailing group date. I knew we'd be in for some psycho-Solisa fun. And of course, she couldn't help but get all "Christian" again. She explained the lap dance performed on the aft deck this way: "I think I have a really strong connection with Brad, and we have so much in common. So I kinda like went over and like, started like, shaking my butt really fast 'cause it's the only thing I know how to do." (I'm not kidding - she said that.) Is it coincidence that the next scene was a cannon shooting with Brad yelling, "Fire in the hole!"? That is downright pornographic. But very Christian.

On to the "Most Shocking Cocktail Party Ever." I'm giddy with anticipation. But let me just say - that twin does not look like a twin. Brothers yes. Identical twins no. They don't sound alike either.

Brad ponders, "I'm kind of curious to see who can tell the difference." Well, I'm guessing they all will. Except Solisa. She always seems to be in a position other than face to face when she's around Brad.

Chad (Chad!? Really? Brad and Chad?) wants to know, "What if someone pulls me away and tells me she loves you for the first time." "Let's face it. If she tells you that she loves me, that's a problem." He may be an uneducated bartender, but it's hard to deny that logic.

So, some figure it out, some don't. Setting this up as "The Most Shocking Cocktail Party Ever" may have oversold it.

More shocking was McCarten's dress at the rose ceremony. Chain link bling with chartreuse chiffon. It looked like a 70s prom dress updated with some 80s rapper bling but reinterpreted to be age-appropriate for a mother of the bride trying to look younger than she is.

After a boring rose ceremony, almost without warning, the best line I have EVER heard on Bachelor (granted, it's only my second season) was breathlessly uttered by a freshly ousted Solisa, "I was a little more truthful and honest about who I was. Because he did see the very special parts of me because I wear those special parts on the outside." In most states, there are laws against showing those very special parts, but indeed, Solisa wore them on the outside.

I already miss Solisa...