Make yourself at home, just stay out of my way

I've made it well known here that I love New York City. I'm very protective of this town, and don't like to hear people disparage this place as dirty, crime-ridden or no place to raise a child. I know that non-natives can't understand or love it the way those of us who are "hardwired New Yorkers" do, but I do know that outsiders can love it their own way. Trust me, I am not interested in keeping non-New Yorkers out and love the spirit that draws them here in the first place.

Having said all that, this past Wednesday brought the confluence of two events that will require an extra dose of patience for me from now until about January 12th. On Wednesday evening at around 8:00 pm, the tree in Rock Center was lit. Later that same evening, an agreement was reached that ended the strike of the Broadway stage hand workers' union and the lights were up again on the Great White Way.

From past experience, I know what I am in for from the minute that tree is lit until Little Christmas. A glimpse into the patience-trying situations I will be forced to endure over the next month and a half as I go about my every day life: overweight families wearing sneakers will leisurely stroll arm in arm down the sidewalk at a snail's pace - and a width of five across - blocking my dash to get a sandwich before my next meeting starts. Fathers will stand in front of me on the Starbucks line and bungle through a list of intricately customized beverages for their teenage kids who are already mortified to be seen on vacation with their parents, compounding the pressure this guy feels to get the drinks right. He will apologize to me several times as he steps back from the register to confirm details from his family claiming real estate and guardedly clutching their handbags and fanny packs in the seating section. People will stop dead in their tracks in the middle of any sidewalk or subway thoroughfare and look at a map or the top of a building as I nearly crash into them (like most New Yorkers, I read emails on my Blackberry while I walk). It will be harder than ever to find a taxi when I need one, and useless anyway since the whole city is a giant gridlock now.

All of this will make me want to scream at the top of my lungs, "Will all you people PLEASE go back to whatever bridge or tunnel brought you here and get off my island! Oh. And Merry Christmas."

So I had to laugh when this week's issue of Time Out New York arrived in our mailbox and I saw that it's dedicated to the tourist holiday season.

By the way, we both work in Advertising, so my husband I receive many magazines. TONY, Bon Ap and Food and Wine are the only subscriptions we actually pay for. If you haven't been dissuaded by the disdain in this email and you're coming to New York for a visit, pick up Time Out New York on the newsstand. It's a great mag to find some good, non-touristy things to do in town.

See TONY's collection of articles that explain why Tourists Heart Us.

My favorite piece in the issue included highlights from some recent TONY shenanigans. They sent out a TONYPD "cop" to ticket tourists for annoying out of town behavior. (See? This is what I'm talking about! I'm not the only one who can't stand these distractions.) In my opinion, the most deserved ticket went to the couple that was tagged for eating at The Red Lobster. Seriously. I never understand this. Why come to New York and eat in the same crappy chain restaurant that you have in your own Smalltown, USA? Stay home if all you want is a meal at Olive Garden.

Seeing as how my office is across the street from the Gershwin Theater and one of my Clients is down the block from Carnegie Hall, there is no way to avoid the onslaught of the next six weeks. I will try to endure it with as much grace as possible.

Do me a favor. If you're coming for a visit, walk single file and with purpose.

Show me your scar and I'll show you mine...

I have a new appreciation and fascination with medical stories.

Anyone who's known me for any period of time knows I have always been squeamish about bodily interference. I passed out in the nurse's office in sixth grade following a nasty gash suffered at the business end of a linoleum carver in art class. In seventh grade I had to sit down on the curb of the strip mall parking lot after my knees buckled under the weight of my newly pierced ears. I sobbed so uncontrollably when a tetanus shot was administered that my mother was called in from the waiting room to deal with me. This was my college entrance physical. The people in the waiting room were stunned when an 18 year old emerged from the exam room with a pile of bunched up tissues and puffy eyes. I was 34 the first time I had blood drawn (not counting the finger pricks I had endured with great surrounding drama as a child).

But let me tell you, brain surgery has changed all that. I won't lie, I still don't love having blood drawn, but there have been some amazing transformations. The fact that I'm even contemplating the follow up surgery to have a snap implanted in my skull to anchor a hearing device onto my head speaks volumes (no pun intended). I've attended enough cocktail parties and dinners in other than museum-quiet settings to know that I will eventually have this surgery.

Beyond this, I seem to have passed comfort into fascination with all-things-medical. I ask inappropriately specific questions of friends - or even people I've just met - about procedures they've had done or are contemplating. I just wade right in and probe on the kinds of details I would have shunned in the past. I also have a new obsession: the plastic surgery makeover show on the Discovery Health channel. Have you SEEN this show? Amazing. There was a marathon on the other day - I could not tear myself away. [Update: I started writing this post last week before the death of Kanye West's mother following a tummy tuck and breast reduction. Did you know her doctor was the host of that Discovery Health show? Turns out he's not even board certified. What the hell!?]

Anyway, here's a story I heard recently that I find totally amazing. I don't know if it's truly fascinating or it's just my newly acquired taste for medically oriented tales that holds me rapt, but you be the judge.

I met two of my good friends for lunch the other day. They are a pair of creatives I worked with up until about 5 or 6 years ago - and I LOVED working with them. They still work together. I try my best to catch up with them from time to time. This was our first gathering since my surgery, so they were asking me lots of questions. Turns out, I'm not their only friend who's been through a recent major surgery, and they recounted this story to me...

Another friend of theirs faced a much more dire situation, but luckily is doing just fine now. This poor woman suffered from lung disease that necessitated a lung transplant. Indeed, she was lucky enough to be the recipient of an amazing act of generosity from a family in their own dire situation. After a successful transplant surgery and recovery, the patient reached out to meet the family. They hadn't sealed the records. Maybe they felt that meeting this person would help them feel their loved one had not died in vain.

During the emotional meeting, the family asked what kind of physical differences the patient was experiencing. She explained that other than the exhilaration of simply feeling healthy again, this lifelong dedicated organic-food worshiper had the odd side effect of an undeniable craving for the fish fillet sandwich at McDonald's. She was horrified to find she couldn't help but give in to the fast food urge once or twice a week.

Of course you can guess what I'm about to say. The girl who's lungs had been donated loved the fish fillet sandwich from McDonald's and ate it all the time.

I'm sure doctors could never explain this. But I think the good ones would not dispute it.

I can't get no satisfaction...

I watched "After the final rose" last week looking for some answers, and I am left utterly unsatisfied. Probably not as unsatisfied as DeAnna, or her father as it turns out, but unsatisfied in a "that's ten hours of my life I'll never get back" sort of way.

My main conclusions:

1. Chris is as appealing in the "grilling host of talk show format" as he is useless in the "facilitator of action as it unfolds" format.
2. Brad is full of crap.
3. Jenni is vapid.
4. DeAnna deserves better, and could be a contender for the next Bachelorette.

The show opens and Chris whets our appetite: "Jenni, DeAnna and Brad are all here. And Brad has some 'splainin to do!"

Because they want to reaffirm The Bachelor franchise as a credible source of happy couples in the face of this season's debacle, and because they need some filler to get to a full hour, ABC trots out some happy couples from years gone by. Of course, Trysta and Ryan lead the parade with their brand new baby in tow. Yeah, yeah, cute baby. Get Brad out here.

Ryan is babbling about fatherhood but I'm more interested in the supers flying across the bottom of the screen: "Jenni confronts Brad" and "DeAnna confronts Brad"

After they bring out Byron and Mary - another "successful Bachelor couple" they finally bring out Jenni.

She hasn't seen Brad since she got the boot. Poor Jenni, they review the footage of her rejection in front of the live audience. I forgot how ugly her cry was up on that pedestal. Yikes.

Chris rubs it in, "You took a huge leap of faith. You told him you loved him. And then he rejected you." I swear he's gloating.

Jenni shows some impartial critical assessment of the DeAnna situation when she says exactly what the rest of us have to be thinking. She doesn't understand why he didn't say, "I can't propose to you right now, but I do want to see where this can go in real life. I do want to go the movies with you. I do want to talk on the phone with you." Yea! What about dating!?

Oh no! Then we learn Jenni's Grandmother just passed away. I'm so sad. I loved that cranky old woman. They dial up the drama with a video tribute to grandma. That woman was an octogenarian (? at least a septuagenarian) who no doubt accomplished many great things in her life. Yet for millions of people, her lasting legacy will be the three minutes of airtime she got on The Bachelor. Jenni couldn't have been more touched.

Finally DeAnna shows her face. An equal opportunity humiliator, Chris grinds her nose into the dirt as well, "You told Brad you loved him and he couldn't say the same." (Is there a graceful response to that? Was it a question?)

DeAnna laments that most men only get one woman! He had two. How could he not choose one? Chris points out maybe the problem is Brad. Dee has to concur. She summarizes the key issue, "I could understand if he couldn't propose, I don't understand how he could let me walk away."

DeAnna goes on to give us insight to the hell she's been living in the "real world". People keep coming up to her and saying, "I think he chooses you." She reenacts how she smiles through her pain and says, "You have to watch and see!"

I get a hint at the train wreck a comin when DeAnna actually admits that she still loves him. She would take him back. She's there with hope in her heart. Good God. My stomach is in knots.

Brad comes out and is probably encouraged by the lack of tomatoes thrown by the audience. Chris cuts to the chase: "Can you explain what happened? You let them declare their love for you and then you broke their hearts."

Brad provides an evasive answer punctuated with a shallow term of endearment with all the skill of a politician, "I don't have a formula for falling in love, man."

Chris plays the trump card that's been up his sleeve and this is when I know Brad is not going to redeem his reputation, "The audience doesn't know we flew DeAnna's father out at your request because we were that sure that there would be a proposal and then there wasn't. How does that make you feel as a man?"

Not satisfied with emasculation, Chris impugns Brad's character when he gets him to admit Brad knew there was something wrong when he bought the ring. Chris exploits the admission, "So, did you feel like a jerk?"

While Brad admitted that yes, it was hard not to conclude that he indeed, was a jerk, he denied the rumors that he was dating someone else, that he has children and/or is gay.

I'm not yet satisfied with the level of awkwardness. But luckily, as had been promised earlier in the show, it's time for "Jenni to confront Brad."

Jenni comes out and she gives Brad a big hug. They do some awkward touching of each other's knees. In his defense, Brad offers this explanation to Jenni, "I was thinking of her when I was with you and vice versa." This boy does not know how to help himself.

Chris chums the water and prods Jenni to state that she's lost respect for Brad. I love Chris.

Just when we think Brad's anxiety level can't get higher, out comes DeAnna. She looks so shiny and full of hope, and I want to scream, "Run! Save yourself! It's not too late!" She's not sure if she should hug him or not, but she does and it is AWK-ward.

I can't avert my eyes from the lamb's journey to slaughter. With stunning speed, Brad effects the fatal wound, "You deserve someone [else] who's going to tell you all the things you told me: that you're so in love with me, that you want to have my kids." Oh, the bleating. It will haunt my dreams.

Brad tells DeAnna he is just as broken hearted as she is, that he thinks of her everyday. But immediately douses whatever hope that may have ignited with the definitive, "I'm very confident in my decision."

DeAnna sobs, "It still doesn't make any sense. I guess I hoped you wouldn't let me walk out of your life for a second time. You won't get another chance after today." I'm thinking, Brad - her nails are perfectly manicured and that dress is adorable. You may have some crow to eat to get back in dad's good graces, but what are you doing!?

Impervious to the flawless fashion in front of him, Brad continues, "I understand. I can't apologize for not falling in love."

Trying to make a case for not being stoned to death in the parking lot by the studio audience, Brad pleads, "I thought I was taking the high road."

DeAnna assures him, "You made a mistake. Whether you know it or not."

With one last hollow comment, Brad tells DeAnna, "I'll miss you more than you'll ever know." Over his particular brand of bullsh*%t, DeAnna doesn't let him off the hook, "Please don't say that to me right now."

Could DeAnna be a contender for the next Bachelorette?

!?!?!?!?!?

Ok, Bachelor fans. I am still trying to figure that one out. Needless to say I will be watching tonight's "After the Final Rose" episode for an explanation from Mr. Womack. Since most of you reading this already know what happened, it will feel all wrong to start at the beginning, but allow the indulgence for those that get their only Bachelor fix here...

Meeting Mom

First of all, is this supposed to be Brad's house? I'm confused. Isn't he from Austin? That house looks like it's on the ocean. My friend from Austin tells me there is a river there and parts of it are wide enough that it could seem like a wider body of water, but I don't know. Anyway, where ever that house really is, he needs an interior decorator. It seemed like a Hampton's share house - you know those big gorgeous houses that get stripped of everything before they get rented out to minimize the damage. It felt empty (hmm... symbolic foreshadowing?)

But Brad's mom seems cute and fun. I'm thinking she would be a good mother in law as far as MILs go (I married an orphan. I'm a lucky, lucky woman).

In preparation for DeAnna's arrival, Brad describes her as one of strongest and most independent people he's met in a long time. I don't know if that would be a good thing for a MIL used to ruling the roost, but momma is happy that DeAnna is from Atlanta.

Maybe this is not new and I missed it before, but all of a sudden Brad is calling her "Dee". Out loud I said, "What? He's calling her Dee now?" Without skipping a beat, Terry pipes in, "I think it's short for 'D Cup'"

Anyway, Brad tells his family "Dee" has been a bartender for 8 years. He said "has been". Doesn't that sound like present tense to you? She's listed as a realtor. I just found that odd. Anyway, Brad jokes that maybe DeAnna can be an employee if she sticks around. How affectionate.

Brad's mom notices that he can't stop touching Dee and asks Dee if she's expecting a proposal. She immediately responds, "Definitely". Cocky. But she seemed appropriately respectful and butt-kissing and I think she wins over Mrs. Womack in the end.

Off camera, DeAnna says Brad's mother reminds her of her own mother. That dead mother card has worked extremely well for this girl. (If Hillary is watching this episode she's thinking, "I wish my mother was dead")

I don't really have anything to say about the Jenni family summit. She just keeps laughing that dolphin laugh and it's SO annoying. I think Momma finds her sweet but is none too thrilled about spending every Thanksgiving with the sonic giggler.

At this point I'm thinking that D cup is going home with a ring...

Brad has a heart to heart with mom, and watching the two of them is so endearing. Brad is clearly a momma's boy. He tells mom that he knows he will be breaking two hearts, "Mine and the woman I say good bye to." Mom basically says, "Yeah, good luck with that. I don't know what I would do if I were you." Brad responds, "Thanks for nothing!" How cute are they?

DeAnna, I can see why you want to share that Mrs. Womack title with this woman...

Last chance to tell me how much you love me...

When Brad stops by DeAnna's place for a visit, she is cooking and baking to relieve her stress. What man could resist a woman who relieves stress by making cobbler instead of shrieking about how he just doesn't understand her?

Just so Brad doesn't think it's going to be all cobbler and coddling, Dee sets the record straight on who will rule that house when Brad asks what will happen if he leaves the toilet seat up, "The first three times I'll put it down myself. After that we're going to have a talk. I want things done the way I want them done. The dishes should be put where I want them. The laundry should be folded the way I want." Ok - I may not know how to turn the oven on, but I have more in common with Dee than I thought.

Does Jenni make him cobbler? No. She tells him she's going to be a lot of work, but she thinks she's totally worth it. After all, she can communicate with dolphins. She lets him know she's falling in love with him, but the words come out in sputters in between spit projecting exhales. She is so unappealing right now that I'm betting Brad wishes she was back in Phoenix.

The final rose?

Jenni shows up for what she has to hope is a proposal. Would you wear those Christmas ornament earnings to such an occasion? Or to any occasion, really? Brad utters some sweet nothings and all seems to be going ok. But then he brings his head up with sudden drama and through her sonar, Jenni senses the swift blow coming. They hug and her hair sticks to his Don Johnson stubble. A final humiliation before she's whisked away.

Chris appears out of the bushes by the driveway to escort DeAnna to Brad and I notice that our host is particularly useless in this episode.

Brad tells DeAnna he's already said goodbye to Jenni. She smiles and I'm thinking this is all going according to plan. I thought she would be the one. But suddenly Brad starts having a freak out. He begins walking in a circle and exhibiting that calisthenic behavior he displayed right before booting Bettina. This is unexpected. What is going on? DeAnna is left awkwardly standing up by the rose pedestal all by herself and I'm thinking she must feel like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing when Patrick did his solo down on the floor and she was left standing on the stage.

But he comes back. And that's when he says it. Did she remember when she told him that marriage was forever? He believes that too which is why he can't make that promise right now and he has to say goodbye.

Holy cow, I did not see that coming. I half expect our host to pop up on the podium and re-explain the premise of the show to our Bachelor-would-be-proposer.

If I were DeAnna, I think I would be speechless - but God bless her, she demands some answers. "So what? We're just friends? That just doesn't sound right. How can you say you care about someone and then just let them walk away?" She hugs him before leaving, but the look on her face is not embracing.

Wow. Poor DeAnna. First a dead mother and now this. And I think this is even worse than coming in second place. In that scenario at least you can tell yourself, "Well, he likes me, but he likes someone else more." This is, "Well, he'd rather blow this whole thing off - the whole reason he came here - than get engaged to me." Come on, Brad! We all know you don't have to stay together! Give the girl some Chopard.

I need answers. Thank God it's time for the "After the final rose" episode.

The Women Tell All so I don't have to...

It's Sunday night, and I still haven't written up last week's Bachelor. I'm really sorry for my lameness. This week was filled with inconvenient Bachelor delays. I watched the sunrise on Wednesday morning - from the runway at LaGuardia. Yuck. Then I spent just a little under 20 hours over the course of two days in a cramped conference room with 25 people in PowerPoint hell.

After my zombie-state-inducing week, I thought I would get to the write up over the weekend. But that, too, was jam packed. I worked until 9:00 on Friday night, met with a kitchen designer on Saturday before heading out to the wilds of Brooklyn for a friend's birthday and then entertained my cousin who's visiting from London on Sunday (after watching my Giants beat Detroit). No Bachelor time.

So here it is, Sunday night, and I'm so tired. I don't really have the energy to give the play by play of last week's jilted women episode. Lame (me. not the episode).

I'm going to just leave you with some topline thoughts on my favorite moments, and we'll move on to tomorrow's episode.

• First of all, can I note, the tell all episode is a fabulous platform for our host, Chris. I've never seen him so empowered. He had an actual role and purpose. He really came out of his shell, and it turns out he can be snide. Who knew?
• I was so happy to see crazy McCarten again. I loved when we got a reprise of that bi%$#iness we could always count on her for when Chris asked her about her reputation of being a bully. She explained it as a by product of her extreme maturity. This catalyzed a little on-stage fight which ended with Sarah calling McCarten a little skank. As I was filled with nostalgia for those early cat-house days, Terry pointed out that much like politicians are, by nature, liars, the girls on this show are, by definition, skanks.
• Hillary was a great sport. She had to watch all those clips of the most dramatic exit ever (which demonstrates how bat-sh*#$ crazy she is) in front of a live audience. Did you notice they clapped after the clip was shown, by the way? What was that!? Anyway, Hills laughed it off. That takes guts. Or really good medication. And then, there goes Chris with his new streak of sarcasm. After Hill laments that she wished Brad had just told her he wanted to be friends, Chris shoots back, "I think he could have written it out in sky writing and you would have said, 'Oh look, he's proposing!'" Later when Brad comes out, Hillary gets an apology which ends with Brad's assurance to Hillary, "I think more highly of you than you realize". She smiled in a way that said, "Oh my God, I'm so excited that we're dating again."
• Bettina's revisionist history recount of her hometown date indicated the public humiliation she endured had sent her over an emotional precipice and caused a rift with reality. She stated Brad was too defensive in the face of what she felt was a reasonable line of questioning by her family. How can she defend those people and their abhorrent behavior? A team of family therapists needs to get over to her dad's house immediately and coach Bettina out of her emotional dependency issues.
• I truly loved when Chad came out and admitted what we all thought from day one: "We don't look anything alike." Meanwhile, I think he's married, but Chad and Sheena could not keep their hands off each other. I was cringing for Mrs. Chad as he went on a scree of how classy and elegant Sheena is.
  

That's all I got. Just a few thoughts. But the positive side of such a delay is that it's already Bachelor time again. Can't wait to meet Brad's momma ...

Where have all the crazies gone?

As I've documented before, one of the things I love about New York is the crazies. They're not just tolerated here, they're celebrated. Perhaps you've heard of Naked Cowboy Man - the guy who hangs out (literally and figuratively) in Times Square with a guitar and some sh*% kickers. He's a mainstay on the tourist circuit. And of course we all have our local favorites.

I took this picture in the Meat Packing District a few weeks ago as I was strolling to get my haircut. It was not Halloween, by the way. Just folks doing their errands on a regular Saturday morning. No one batted an eye at this guy. (Granted, he may not be a bonafide crazy - he could just be a kids party entertainer trying to make a buck. I still love that he doesn't stand out a bit on 13th street.)

I don't know what it is about the crazies that I love. There is something so defiantly independent about some of them. Just living their life out loud, not at all caring what the rest of us think. Highly evolved, really. (Remember, I'm a girl who gets upset if I think people on the subway mistake my commuting shoes for the actual shoes I plan to wear with that outfit.)

Speaking of the subway, it offers some of the best freak watching in the city. I am sad to say, my half deafness has put a hindrance on my enjoyment in this area. I don't know if this will go away over time or not, but loud and piercing noises are particularly bothersome to me now. Aside from the cranial discomfort, I'm also really paranoid about exposing my only hearing ear to decibles that could be loud enough to cause damage. Gotta protect what little I have left!

So I ride the subway with an earplug in my good ear. It muffles out the screeching of metal wheels on the tracks as we pull into or out of stations and makes the ride more bearable. But it has the unpleasant side effect of blocking out most of the psychotic ramblings one is normally treated to while riding the A train.

Yesterday I knew I was missing a good one. There was a guy sitting amongst the tired morning commuters and he could have blended right in. No tattered clothing, no stuffed shopping bags, just a normal looking guy. Totally average, except that he was shouting out his deeply pondered life philosophy at the absolute top of his lungs to a car full of unphased people immersed in the The Post - none of whom paid him any mind. I could hear enough through my earplug to know he was preaching about Starbucks. Something about a crazy person belting out wisdom through the symbolism of a yuppie icon such as Starbucks made me yearn for my un-handicapped eavesdropping days.

Mind you, I don't love ALL the crazies. Some of them are scary. Or smelly. Or both. But Starbucks man was ok by me...

Cab-Oh-No!

There is something so wrong about the overnight dates. It's just mortifying watching these ladies give it up one by one. And sure enough, the teaser opening scenes let us know this episode would be fit for Channel J. Uncomfortably, I settled in for some voyeuristic mimbo watching. Not that I'm some raving feminist, but there is a name for a girl who has overnight dates with three different guys over the course of three nights in a row, and it's not "Texas millionaire looking for love." Something about Debbie Does Dallas comes to mind, but let's move on...

Jenni

Brad's opening greeting, "What is up?" reminds me of my seventh grade boyfriend's favorite conversation starter.

So what does one do for a date when you're in beautiful Cabo San Lucas? Swim with the dolphins, of course. Jenni tries to act psyched, but is clearly nervous.

Yet as Jenni and Brad frolic in the water, I suddenly realize Jenni may have been separated at birth from a dolphin family. Think about it. She likes to perform in front of a clapping crowd. I've seen her jump through many hoops over the past six weeks. And most striking - she's constantly throwing her head back and pealing out syncopated, high-pitched laughs. I'm now convinced we're only hearing the lower sound waves of those obviously sonic quality "giggles." An inexplicable distinction: dolphins have very large brains. Maybe Jenni is smarter than she appears.

Enough frolicking. On to the romantic dinner. All of a sudden, Jenni gets coy. She let's Brad in on a secret: she doesn't want to tell him what she feels if he's just going to disappoint her. She goes on, "It's hard for me to say it, it's so much easier for me to show it." Cue the Channel J music...."I'm pretty sure you have something in your pocket" She's either referring to the fantasy suite card or something more naughty. Either way, she's a slut.

She full body frisks Brad all the while cackling like a dolphin.

Terry's comment from the peanut gallery: "She is the most shallow out of all of them. And she has a dumpy butt." (Oh, the irony.)

Jenni's rationale for her loose behavior, "I feel that I'm here because I was supposed to meet him [and further my career as a Phoenix Sun Dancer.]"

I'm mortified. Let's hope Gramma isn't watching.

Bettina

Brad gives us a line into his thinking as he gets ready to greet Bettina. "I've got to keep an open mind. [I've got two more women to sleep with, after all.]"

He lets us know the stakes are high for Bettina. If he doesn't see the true Bettina now, he fears he never will.

Brad and Bettina head out on an America's Cup racing boat. High class enough for even Bettina's family. Speaking of, Bettina mentions, "My family's only concern was whether it was a two way street." Ok, that is total crap. They had many concerns, the least of which was whether it was a two way street. Their main concern was that Brad's livelihood was equivalent to street-sweeping and that were she to marry him, Bettina would inevitably end up a street-walker.

There was no chemistry during the romantic dinner, and I know Bettina is going home. But not until Brad samples the goods.

Nice butt shot getting into the hot tub. The camera just lingered and lingered.

Bettina says she is falling in love with Brad, but she is "shy about it" Yes. Very shy.

DeAnna

Poor DeAnna clearly drew the date short straw. Race car driving. Helmet hair and dust storms. Awesome. But DeAnna shows she's a good sport and even sasses Brad over his poor driving skills. Well done, playful-doesn't-let-her-dead-momma-get-her-down-DeAnna.

Over dinner, Brad pulls out the line, "I don't meet people like you very much." Oh my God! He uses this line on EVERYONE. Jenni's mom. DeAnna's dad, and now DeAnna. What the hell? Ok, but it is better than, "What is up?"

DeAnna pours her guts out on the table. She tells Brad she's falling in love with him. But her bangs are driving her crazy. And the way she keeps brushing them out of her eyes is driving me crazy. I can't concentrate.

But I do know that DeAnna is one smart cookie. Of course, EVERYONE told Brad that they're falling in love with him. But DeAnna has been so reserved until now, it absolutely maximizes the impact of her words. Well done, Ms. Crafty. Opa, indeed.

The Rose Ceremony

Oh, crap this is awkward...

Brad uses a metaphor and I'm stunned. "The weather is tumultuous just the way my feelings are tumultuous." I didn't know he was so literary. Take that, Bettina's family!

He goes on with some hilarious commentary, and I swear, he's become some kind of one man show.

"Someone is going to walk away with what I assume will be a broken heart, and to be the cause of that breaks my heart." That's why I slept with all three of them.

"When I started this it was me standing in front of a room of strangers." Now I'm in front of three women I just slept with and you all know it.

Meanwhile, Bettina looks a little hungover at the rose ceremony. I think she knew she was going home so while Brad was shacking up with DeAnna the night before, Bettina was down at the bar preparing for the searing humiliation she'll feel when she has to face her family again. "Why am I such a loser? Hey, bartender, I told you to keep 'em coming. What does a girl have to do to get a drink around here!" Even worse than the hangover pallor, her dress looks like a milk maiden's costume.

Brad literally starts stretching and flexing before giving out the final rose. It seemed like he was getting ready to be in a shot-put competition. Very unsettleing, but accomplishes the task of underscoring the drama.

As expected, Milk Maiden Bettina gets the boot. Brad's explanation: "After all this time, I'm still looking at Bettina as a complete mystery, it shouldn't be that way." Yes, you should definitely know someone completely after six weeks. I don't think Brad is much for complexity.

Anyway, Bettina keeps it together. Already looking ahead, she cautions, "I can't even imagine putting myself out there right now." Terry's comment, "Maybe she should go back to her first husband." As if he'd have her.

Next week's tell all brings back craz-azy Hillary - can't wait. And the girls meeting Brad's family slash it would be impossible for me to love you more contest looks like it will be a winner...

Nice to meet you, Sir

I just love the Bachelor hometown dates. I derive such schadenfreude from watching our Bach meet the fathers. Meeting your girlfriend's parents is stressful enough - then throw in the fact that everyone in the room (not to mention America) knows you're dating three other women in addition to their precious daughter. Pure entertainment.

But first, the "previously on The Bachelor" scenes remind me of Hillary's visit to crazy town. I miss that girl. Enough dwelling on the past, there's new drama to get snide about. Let's meet the families...

Jenni
Hometown: Somewhere in Kansas (does it matter where?)

I've never noticed Jenni's inability to stop giggling girlishly before, but I see it now and it's driving me crazy. Moving on...

After telling Brad to meet her at the theater where she won her very first dance competition, arranging to gain access to the hall, making sure the stage lights were on and having a set constructed complete with heart decorations that match her dress, Jenni gets out on stage to perform and says, "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed." Somehow, Brad drags her out of her shell by saying, "Don't be at all." Jenni flips her hair and jumps into her routine without pause.

While watching her perform, Brad can't help but see her love for cheerleading shine through (she loftily refers to it as dance, but let's call a spade a spade). Brad knows if she makes the Phoenix Sun Squad for another year, she'll have to follow her heart and stay. The prospect of a long term romance fills Brad with worry. Jenni reminds him compromise is important in a relationship. You know, like when you have to share your boyfriend with 24 other girls on national TV. Compromise.

Off to dinner with the family at the hair salon (!?) where Jenni's mom works. Grandma Betty is scary. I don't like to show disrespect for my elders (except my husband), but that woman looks like a troll. But her relentless crankiness begins to warm my heart. As she lashes out with her snide one liners, it's hard not to realize it's like looking in a mirror. It's me in 40 years. But I will have a better T shirt. Favorite line, "That little lady ain't no walkin' baby makin' factory." You tell 'em, Granny!

In between courses, Jenni's mom brings Brad over to the shampoo station(!?). While she's whipping his head around like a spinning top, Brad offers a furtive compliment, "This is comfortable." Yep - that's the word I would use to describe this situation. Comfortable.

Brad informs Jenni's momma that despite being in a bar all the time, it's hard for him to meet the right kind of women there. He doesn't get to meet women like Jenni very often at all. This seems to mollify Jenni's mom and she doesn't seem offended even though I'm fairly confident she met Jenni's dad in a bar.

I liked Jenni's dad better after he made a wheelchair joke, "Let me tell you a secret, Brad. You don't have to worry about Grandma as long as you stay out of her reach."

Over dinner, Jenni finds out she's made the team. Let's all compromise. She's in it a million percent. Meanwhile, Brad's hair doesn't look so hot. So good luck with that salon that appears to be in a corn field in the middle of nowhere.

Sheena
Hometown: Walnut Creek, CA

Sheena's parents pull up in what has to be a $200,000 boat and I'm thinkin that makeshift dining room in the back of the salon is looking pretty shabby right now.

Speaking of salons, Sheena's mom should get to one because it looks like has been hennaed within an inch of her life.

We get a peak at the looniness to ensue while still on the boat and Sheena's mom asks Brad what sign he is. Luckily his sign passes the compatibility test, and the fun loving afternoon continues.

But after dinner the hippy dippy crap really starts pouring out. Sheena's mom believes she's seen the truth, and it's that Sheena is the ONE. She may not be Brad's ONE, but she is SOMEONE'S one. I swear she had to be drunk because she wasn't making any sense at all. "You know, you can lasoo the big dipper from our hot tub. Oh! And you're the same sign as my husband. Oh my Gosh." Brad doesn't know what to say and eeks out a tentative, "Mm-hmm." A lifetime of Thanksgivings spent eating tofu turkey before gathering around the oujie board flash before his eyes.

Later, from the Big Dipper Hot Tub, Brad tells Sheena meeting her mom has been a great way to see how she got to be who she is. And he kissed her on the cheek. And that's when I know it was over for Sheena.

DeAnna
Hometown: Canton, GA

DeAnna must know she's coming off as a hard edged b*%#ch, because she actually showed up to meet Brad with a basket of Georgia peaches. Because she's so Martha like that.

I don't have much to say about DeAnna's family. They seem like fun. Who wouldn't like a family that drinks Ouzo and dances in a circle in the middle of the day?

DeAnna is so clearly a Daddy's girl, so Brad knows he's got to impress Papa. He says, "I don't meet girls like your daughter too often," and I almost die. No he didn't. He used that same exact line on Jenni's mom! (Meanwhile if he had only met Hillary's parents - that line would be perfect.)

Fearing that the peaches may not have been enough to completely soften her image, D trots out the dead mother. And how. Photo albums galore. Papa reminds Brad that his little girl has had a hard life without her momma. Who's a b*%#ch now? Beat that, ladies!

Bettina
Hometown: Washington, DC

First of all, I'm befuddled by the wardrobe choice. What's with the yoga warm up outfit? Your boyfriend is coming to see you in your hometown for the first time, and you pull on sweatpants? That decision will come to haunt her - the opening shot as she turned to hug Brad with sweatpants up the butt was not flattering.

So where do I begin with Bettina's family? They are awful, awful people.

Right after Brad mentions that he dropped out of school to go into business (aka, become a bartender), he finds out Bettina's dad is a professor. Off to a great start. Trying to make light of the situation, Brad jokes, "It's a family friendly business." Do they graciously let him off the hook? Of course not. "Oh, so your family is in this business?" Squirming, "Um no, I meant that as a joke."

Silence.

I feel the blood rushing to my head. I'm ready to crawl under my couch.

I'm half hoping this could be a case of dramatic editing. Maybe the mood in the room is not as uncomfortable as I imagine. But then the behind the scenes commentary from Bettina's father tells me all I need to know, "I don't want my daughter to be with a guy who runs a bunch of bars. The fact is that her first husband was a wonderful, wonderful (two wonderfuls!?) man. She'll never find anyone who's any better." Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad. If my father ever said that, I would punch him.

Stepmom tells Brad how important this all is as she looks down her nose at him and gives him a condescending glance. "This conversation has grown tiresome, I'm going to take the dog out now."

Brad feels justifiably judged and B's response is, "I don't look that good on paper either." In other words, don't worry that my family thinks you're a loser. They think I am too. Didn't you just hear my dad say I'll never do better than my first husband whom I couldn't manage to hold on to? Hell, I couldn't even get out of these sweatpants today. We're perfect for each other.

Going into the rose ceremony, I was torn. That passionless peck on the cheek in Sheena's Big Dipper Lasso tub said a lot. On the other hand, I really could not get over how dreadfully snobby Bettina's family was.

But in the end, snobby beats hippy dippy and Sheena gets sent packing. At first she handles it well, but it all comes flooding out at once when Brad says he's not the guy for her. I guess she's someone else's ONE after all.

Cheer up honey. You got the Chopard. I think you're ahead of the game.

Just standing around chatting with my three girlfriends...

A Giant week

This past week was a banner one for me as a lifelong lover of Big Blue.

Some of you already know that I am a huge Giants fan. The oftentimes frustrating, sometimes exhilarating preoccupation was instilled in me from an early age by my father. My dad grew up going to the games in the Polo Grounds in Northern Manhattan with his buddies. I grew up going to the Meadowlands with him.

When the Meadowlands was built my Dad and a group of his friends became season ticket holders. They secured a block in section 112 – row 22. Pretty good seats, I must say. Sometimes we’d pick up a pair of seats from one of the group that couldn’t make a particular game and our whole family would go. We’d drive through the city on the way home and eat dinner at Gallagher’s Steak House. A truly perfect Sunday. But most of the time we had just two tickets. Absolutely no gender discrimination in our household, my brother and I alternated home games.

A stellar example of my father’s even-handedness on this particular matter was the methodology used to determine Traynor attendance of the 1986 Playoffs. It had been an amazing year for the Giants. We only had to win one game against San Fransisco to get to the National League Championship game. My brother and I were sat down for a conference in the living room and my father explained, “We only have two tickets to the 49ers game. I can bring one of you. Whoever goes is guaranteed to see a playoff game. If we win that game I will take the other of you to the next game. But there is no guarantee that will happen. You two think about it for a minute and tell me what you want to do.”

I didn’t have to think. There was no question in my mind the Giants were going all the way. I wanted to be at that Championship Game. Inconveniently, Brendan felt exactly the same way.

“Ok, who wants to go to the San Fran game?”

Silence.

“No one?”

Silence.

“You both understand that passing this game up means you may not get to go to one at all?” We did. “Ok. We flip a coin.”

My brother was ok with this plan until I emerged victorious two minutes later. Cries of foul play flew through the air. My brother pointed out that as a member of our high school's football team, he should be given weighted advantage. I, afterall, had never even played a game in my life and never would. I was just a girl. This was not right.

I'm sure my father agreed with Brendan on many levels, but God love him, fair was fair and I went to that eventual Championship game. The Giants shut out the Redskins 17 - 0, and to this day, that game was the most thrilling event I have ever attended in my life (ok, maybe a close second to my wedding). It should be noted for context, I went to the Super Bowl in 1998 down in Miami. No where near as exciting. There were no fans in the stands. Just corporate sponsors. Not so back at that Redskins game where the entire stadium was packed with season ticket holders. The wave went around the stadium continuously for the entire three hours. Strangers high-fived. Face painters cried. No one cared that their feet were frostbitten and they would have to sit in traffic for three hours to get out of the parking lot. (By the way, this amazing team went on to beat the Broncos 39-20 a couple of weeks later in Super Bowl XXI).

My brother and I are very close. But to this day, when that game gets brought up, Brendan repeats his true belief, "That wasn't right."

Fast forward to the 2007 season. I admit, I started out with a faint heart. We had lost Tikki, and there was no reason to believe our shortcomings from last year would not continue to haunt us: an inconsistent quarterback not living up to his last name, a Coach known for harsh discipline overseeing one of the most penalized teams in the league and a cast of larger than life personalities who seem to air their disagreements in the media instead of the locker room.

I am now filled with remorse for my lack of faith. I know it's dangerous to get optimistic - this is just about the point in the season when we imploded last year. But I'm feeling good. We've won six in a row and we're just back from London where we were treated like rock stars. We're headed into a bye week after which we play Dallas, the only team in front of us in the NFC. A sign of changing times, Jeremy Shockey, freshly shorn, is even starting to look like a grown up.

For me personally, this past week in particular was indeed a Giant week in every sense of the word. I went to last week's game against San Fran and got on the jumbotron. First time ever and so exciting! I was on the big screen coming back from the commercial break with about 7:23 left in the third quarter. If you watched the game on TV, I was the one in the white hooded sweater screaming, "Go Giants!"

Then last Tuesday I had one of the coolest experiences I've had in a long time (and remember, I was hooked up to a morphine drip for two days this past March). I participated in a corporate boondoggle in which I got to go hang out with a small group of fellow corporate geeks at the Meadowlands and play a game of touch football (I observed) and eat dinner with a bunch of former Giants players. Old school guys - some of whom were playing during that famous 86 season. How cool is that!? These guys were so much fun. They were hilariously funny and easy going and having free reign at Giants Stadium was a thrill. Here are some pictures.

Touchdown!

Doesn't seem like it would be so hard to get the ball through here...

On the 50

Dee Hardison warming up for the game.

Just hangin on the side lines with my buddies Scott Brunner, Howard Cross and Dee Hardison.

On the jumbotron - second time in less than a week!

I had the most hilarious conversation with Chris Calloway who casually dropped some tid bit about something he had seen on The View that day. I looked at him and said, "You watch The View?" He kind of shrugged his shoulders and said yes he did. I asked him what he thought of the Rosie controversy. Well, he went on a 10 minute critical overview of hosts and which ones were his favorites. He was going back to Star Jones days. This guy is a fan. Whoopie is ok by him, by the way. And in case anyone was wondering, Chris reports Elizabeth has left to go have her baby in Arizona.

Howard Cross was by far the biggest character there. Totally hilarious. This is the face he made at me after another corporate geek had just told him he had so much fun playing in the game with him and how it was the most exercise he had gotten in years because he's under doctor's orders not to exercise. Cross told him to stop talking. (That's Eric Dorsey in the background)

Me and Scott Brunner, Howard Cross and Stephen Baker

Me and Scott Brunner, Dee Hardison and Karl Nelson.

And then there were four...

I have been finding this season of The Bachelor a little boring. Maybe it's because I was making it through the last season on narcotics. But this week the introduction lets me know that we will be witnessing "The most dramatic exit in Bachelor history." Ok. They've got my attention.

Terry tries to act like he's working, but looks up from his laptop as our host Chris explains whoever makes it past tonight gets the hometown dates and says, "This guy is useless. And what's up with that shirt? That is awful." (As much as I love our host, the shirt is awful.)

Right off the bat, DeAnna claims that she's onto Bettina's game. That wiley Bettina is trying to be the mysterious girl, says DeAnna. The girl you can't figure out what she's got going on. Yes, she's trying to make Brad fall in love with her in six weeks or less. Very hidden agenda. Covert, even.

Bettina pipes in and implies she's been playing hard to get up until now. It's just the way she's been brought up. Hmm. Sending in an application and auditioning to appear on national televition and compete to marry a man you have yet to meet. Very hard to get.

On to the Group Date. A pool party at Brad's. He drawls out that he just wants to get to know these ladies in a more comfortable situation. More comfortable. Like in bikinis on a slip 'n slide. Mmmm... comfy.

Hillary's not-made-for-TV bleeper fantasy fest was hilarious. Made even funnier because I know it will be soon followed by "The most shocking exit in Bachelor history." Then I see a glimpse into the catalyst. Right after Hillary gives Brad the "you remind me of my dad and they say girls marry their dads," speech (a very disturbing scene to cut to after Hillary's let me tell you what I want Brad to do to me fantasy) Brad tells her he thinks they may be too good of friends. The F word. Right to her face. I'm wincing, but God bless her, this blows right past Hillary who claims to be thrilled about their connection. Glancing up from the keyboard, Terry notes, "She's not reading the right mail, is she?"

Hillary doesn't get it when Brad tells her they are "too good of friends," but the facade starts to break down when she realizes he's going off to kiss Jenni in a hammock. "Why is that not me!?"

On to Sheena's one on one date. What was with the balloons? That did not seem romantic to me. It looked like a low budget bar mitzvah. Redeeming moment: strapping on the Chopard.

Sheena's kind of goofy, and it's endearing (how about that fall down the stairs? Haven't we all been there?). But the sweetness crosses the line to awkward with the rose ceremony poem delivery. She sets the moles on Brad's arm and patch of hair on his ear to iambic pentameter. What the hell? She's trying to tell him that she likes him and that's what she says? Why didn't she say she noticed how small his hands and feet are for God's sake. Brad is speechless and asks if he can keep the poem. Terry's comment from the peanut gallery, "So I can show it to all my friends next month after I boot you off the show."

Brad tells Bettina their date was perfect. Bettina agrees. Of course, not as perfect as walking away with Chopard diamond earrings, but pretty good.

Then more signs of the trainwreck that's a comin' with some commentary from Brad, "I want to talk to Hillary so badly because at the pool party she asked me point blank what my feelings for her were, and I had to be honest - that this girl is just a friend. That's what I want her to know tonight. But how can I relay that to someone who won't listen to a word I'm saying?"

Brad gives her the speech, "Let me be a straight shooter. We're good friends. I don't get nervous around you because I think of you as a friend. I'm telling you this because I am trying to be a good friend. Are you ok? I'm only asking as a friend."

God bless her, she doesn't miss a beat and launches into her response, "I feel the same way. We're best friends. We could be lovers. And husband and wife. I'm so happy when I'm around you, I just want to thank you for that." Brad blinks twice as his life flashes before his eyes. Later Hillary lets us in on her thoughts, "Some of the girls see us as more of a best friend type of thing. You know what? I feel more than that, and I know he feels more than that too and I know with the circumstance he can't really say how he feels."

Oh my God. Somebody get her therapist on stand-by. With a syringe full of something powerful.

Suddenly it's happening. The meltdown is in full throttle. Hillary holds her head in her hands while she tries a visualization exercise and repeats over and over, "Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason." My therapist always says, "everything happens for a reason."

Brad tries to step in and calm down the scenario, "I want you to know I think you're one in a million." To which Terry responds, "Or at least one in twenty five. Of all the women I've met on this show, you're definitely one of them." [Way to go, ABC - you've converted another viewer with your slutty girls and NFL mentions.]

Hoping next week's hometown dates will bring more drama....

Wanna meet my dad?

Traveling in Style

Terry went to South Carolina to play golf this weekend. He called me from the airport Friday night to tell me Tim Gunn was at the gate. I asked the obvious questions, "What's he wearing and what does his bag look like?"

"He's got on a blue blazer and khakis and his bag looks like one you'd get at a golf tournament."

"Ok, I really don't think Tim Gunn is wearing Dockers and carrying a gym bag."

"You're right. I'll go get a better look and call you back."

"Check out the shoes, too."

A few minutes later confidence in my fashion instinct was restored when the phone rang again, "I was wrong. He's wearing a gray suit. Very well cut. The bag is Jack Spade. Shoes look like Allen Edmonds lace ups."

One of my favorite things about my husband - he is just gay enough.

If your name is not Jenni, please pack your bags...

Right off the bat, Jenni gets the one on one date and nearly dies of elation. I thought I saw her eyes roll back in her head for a minute and I truly thought she might short circuit.

Brad's dramatic entrance to pick her up in the helicopter would have been a lot more romantic and less comic had there not been all that debris swirling around like hundreds of little Tasmanian devils. The girls refused to stop flashing their best toothpaste model smiles even as they were pelted by flying objects moving with stingingly strong centrifugal force. Hard to look cute when your hair is caught up in a wind tunnel, but God bless them, they tried.

The other girls can not hide their resentment as Brad and Jenni whiz off. Hillary immediately gets her therapist on the horn and asks for refills on three of her seven prescriptions.

Jenni giggles girlishly as she flips her hair and says, "If he doesn't give me the rose I'm going to jump off this building!" As if he's not giving her the rose. Unless she tells him she has gonorrhea during dinner, I think she's safe. Even then, she might be ok - unless she says she caught it from her dad. (Ok, I know that was over the line, and my mother is appalled right now if she still reads this blog. But there is something so sickeningly pure about Jenni that brings out my dark side.)

Just when I think Brad is going to give Jenni a puppy before they pedal off on a tandem bike, ABC cuts through the sweetness with a peak at what's going on back at the house. McCarten and DeAnna are stirring the pot with some Class A, high-school style mind games. Don't you remember that girl who was the leader of the "in crowd," but really no one liked her? Think Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls. That's what's going on back at the mansion in the name of, "Let's be friends. Let's put on our pj's and bond. Let me tell you why you're stupid and ugly and SOOO not Brad-worthy. Oh, and Hillary, I forgot to tell you. Your therapist called you back five hours ago. I meant to tell you before, but I didn't think of it until just now when I saw you walking around with that steak knife."

On to the group date. Brad tries to pretend like any of the non-Jenni girls still have a chance. They all humiliate themselves to the absolute base level during the improv session and I die a little inside as I watch them grovel. Hillary's uppers kick in as she bounds around as a cheerleader and then pronounces, "I was a FREAKin' rock star today!"

Kristy has a meltdown because she sucks at improv. Brad tells her not to worry. Bettina gets the rose and Hillary pages her therapist.

Bettina envisions the future, "Brad likes me...I can really see us having this great life together." Yea. Just you and Brad. And Jenni.

DeAnna and Jade's date with Brad was HIL-A-RI-OUS. Dueling banjos. All I could think of was that character on SNL played by Kristen Wiig. The one who's always one one-upping everyone with outrageous claims. She's a recurring character and the first few times I saw it I found it annoying, but now I think it's funny (If you don't know what I mean, check this out: Penelope at an Auction)

Meanwhile, back at the house, Bettina injects some unwelcome level-headedness when she tells the others it's naive to think you can get engaged to someone after knowing them for six weeks. As a divorcee, she knows from experience. Hillary calls her a used car and laughs like a jackal.

Poor Jade gets the boot. She was no match for that DeAnna.

The mind games continue at the rose ceremony party. The girls grill Jenni about her intentions once they find out she got the first kiss. One by one, the ladies pull Brad into a corner and tell him they don't want to cry as they begin to cry. "Brad, how can you turn away from someone brave enough to express this kind of raw emotion?" Meanwhile, I don't know what happened to McCarten. All of a sudden she's wearing an elegant dress and she's unsure about whether she even wants a rose. What's going on?

No surprise, McCarten and Stephy get sent packing.

The winning parting line came from McCarten, "Brad is an amazing person that I could see being the father of my children. Or my husband." Multiple choice.

Scenes from the next gave me a peak into what I knew was coming all along. Hillary's nervous breakdown. The carefully calibrated medication balance seems like it may get off center next week. We may need another medivac. Is it so wrong that I find that so funny?

Conflict of interest

Just some forewarning (advance lame excuse?). As though I haven't been late enough with my Bachelor recaps (I was so much more prompt when blogging and brain surgery recovery were my only two jobs), I will be experiencing a scheduling difficulty tonight that will likely delay the recap yet again. My Giants are playing Monday Night Football. Sorry to say I will be watching them - not Brad Womack. If Solisa were still on I might have the priorities the other way 'round, but alas, I'd rather watch Manning, Burress, Shockey, Ward, Jacobs, Strahan, Kiwanuka and Umenyiora than Stephy, Deanna, Jenni, McCarten, Hillary, Sheena, Kristy, Bettina and Jade.

Super Twin Power

Having been primed to expect "the most shocking cocktail party ever," I was pretty excited as I settled in for this week's Bachelor.

I was instantly filled with a disoriented feeling, however, when I saw Solisa wearing a shirt. I almost didn't recognize her. But Bachelor antics quickly ensued, and I began to feel comforted by the recurring themes of shameless manipulation and stultifying displays of complete lack of self awareness.

On to the wacky circus group date. Knowing she was in a position of strength after executing a round-off-backhandspring-back tuck (which I used to always do at the beginning of every date in my younger years), Jenni asks a critical question of Brad: "Would you let me stay in Phoenix?" It's very important to her that she get to finish her season as a Phoenix Sun Dancer. Again, Brad demonstrates that unscripted goofiness that I'm really starting to love when he very logically points out, "Well, you're letting me date other people." Hard to argue. Jenni is a very agreeable girlfriend.

Vying for some attention, Stephy talks (too much) about Daddy the triathlete who has really high standards. Please, oh please, let her get a home town date so Brad the bartender has to meet that guy. She can't remember the last time she's been asked out. Oh. Poor Stephy.

Now that Michele shower-cap-highlights-on-taupe is gone, I'm obsessed with McCartens' tan lines. Can we get some bronzing powder? Some tan spray? A non-strapless dress? Is the stylist on vacation or what?

Brad likened the feeling of being at the Circus with all these fine ladies to being "that kid from Titanic." I wasn't sure if he felt like The King of The World, or if he was having premonitions of one of these ladies prying his cold dead fingers off her arm and pushing him to the cold, bottomless sea...

Hillary-I'm-on-amphetamines' peeling scream and immediate speed trip when she found out she got the one-on-one date was enough to rattle anyone to the core, forget someone with titanium in their head. I bravely pressed on.

Not to be outdone, Stephy-daddy's-girl let out a squeal when she got the date rose that prompted a comment from Terence (until that point, busily typing away on his laptop - not paying attention due to the complete lack of bikini wearing and/or NFL celebrity appearances), "She's annoying." Back to typing.

After much primping (and later evidence would suggest, the consumption of some downers to take the edge off those amphetamines) Hillary descends the stairs ready for her one on one date. Dehanna loses that sunny, good girl disposition for a moment to state the obvious, "It wasn't fun watching another girl get a million dollars worth of jewelry thrown on her." The other girls shot daggers from the couch as still-speeding-Hillary bounded out the door.

After a few champagne chasers, the downers kicked in. Hillary spiraled into an "I want to be in love with you for the rest of your living days" speech. God bless him, Brad kept interrupting her. I could see the deer in headlights look in his eyes when he said, "Are you ok?" What he meant was, "Good God, please don't say another word. I'm sure you're capable of ending my living days should I decide not to 'love' you anymore." At this point they've known each other for what - a week? I'm convinced he gave her the rose simply to stop her from crying.

Brad quickly devises a plan to bring Hillary back to manic mode (manic Hillary is more fun than depressive Hillary): ice cream. Did you catch the bartending maneuver with the sundae glass? Very Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

On to the sailing group date. I knew we'd be in for some psycho-Solisa fun. And of course, she couldn't help but get all "Christian" again. She explained the lap dance performed on the aft deck this way: "I think I have a really strong connection with Brad, and we have so much in common. So I kinda like went over and like, started like, shaking my butt really fast 'cause it's the only thing I know how to do." (I'm not kidding - she said that.) Is it coincidence that the next scene was a cannon shooting with Brad yelling, "Fire in the hole!"? That is downright pornographic. But very Christian.

On to the "Most Shocking Cocktail Party Ever." I'm giddy with anticipation. But let me just say - that twin does not look like a twin. Brothers yes. Identical twins no. They don't sound alike either.

Brad ponders, "I'm kind of curious to see who can tell the difference." Well, I'm guessing they all will. Except Solisa. She always seems to be in a position other than face to face when she's around Brad.

Chad (Chad!? Really? Brad and Chad?) wants to know, "What if someone pulls me away and tells me she loves you for the first time." "Let's face it. If she tells you that she loves me, that's a problem." He may be an uneducated bartender, but it's hard to deny that logic.

So, some figure it out, some don't. Setting this up as "The Most Shocking Cocktail Party Ever" may have oversold it.

More shocking was McCarten's dress at the rose ceremony. Chain link bling with chartreuse chiffon. It looked like a 70s prom dress updated with some 80s rapper bling but reinterpreted to be age-appropriate for a mother of the bride trying to look younger than she is.

After a boring rose ceremony, almost without warning, the best line I have EVER heard on Bachelor (granted, it's only my second season) was breathlessly uttered by a freshly ousted Solisa, "I was a little more truthful and honest about who I was. Because he did see the very special parts of me because I wear those special parts on the outside." In most states, there are laws against showing those very special parts, but indeed, Solisa wore them on the outside.

I already miss Solisa...

Real Beauty is a skull scar...

Lunchtime diversion...

My Agency did an amazing video called Evolution for Dove last year that won all kinds of industry awards, received unbelievable media attention and was passed around the web like crazy. It placed Dove firmly at the leadership front of the beauty debate in the US - an important discussion to be having in this age of obsession with "perfect" anorexic celebutantes.

The follow up, Onslaught, was just launched and has already been getting unbelievable buzz in the media. I think it's great work. Enjoy...

Chloe!...

...I need you to download the engineer plans for the duct system at the LA County jail to my PDA. Right away!

TMZ is reporting that our buddy, Jack Bauer, will likely serve 48 days in jail for his most recent DUI conviction.

I'm sorry, I love Kiefer, but there really is no excuse for anyone to drive while intoxicated, let alone someone who can so easily afford a driver.

Seems that Sutherland will be able to serve mostly during a time that 24 production is on break for the holidays.

LA County should be a breeze after that secret Chinese torture camp...

"I'm a Christian. Can't you tell by these?"

Again, I'm really late with The Bachelor write up. I'm really sorry. I do have a good excuse this time. This week I was busy battling my first post-brain-surgery head cold. Word to the wise: try not to get a head cold for at least a year following skull contact with the business end of a bone-saw. It wasn't fun. Now that the sinus drama is over, let The Bachelor drama ensue...

First let me comment on the brilliant strategy ABC seems to be employing to increase viewership. They are clearly endeavoring to capture the males in viewing households by recruiting sluttier girls. It seems to be working on Terence.

The girls in the first group date couldn't stop playfully slapping each other with those riding crops, and the second group immediately began their string bikini/pole dancer fashion show the minute they heard they were going to the beach with Brad. More on the beach date/Channel J audition in a moment.

First, let's discuss The Fall. The scream sound effect could not have been more fake. But it did underscore the fact that we were in for some high impact melodrama. The stretcher. The medivac. The tears. Let's find out what the Bach thinks. He's been busy at the racetrack with the riding crop girls...

Just a quick pause before bringing Brad into the medical emergency: a timeout for a random drive-by visit from San Diego Charger Line Backer Shawn Phillips. What the $#%@? No attempt to provide context or any sort of explanation for why he's at the racetrack, what interest or relevance he could possibly have to The Bachelor and/or why Brad should listen. I'm puzzled by this non sequitur until I remember the objective to increase male viewership. Slutty girls, bikinis and NFL players. Genius.

Back to the girl in the stretcher. Brad receives a dramatic phone call. He seems unable to place a face with the voice. He tells the other girls, "One of the ladies slipped down the stairs and has a mild concussion." Someone must have held up a cue card off camera because he followed up with quick clarification: "It was Michele. From New Jersey." McCarten is so filled with compassion that she wants to know, "Wait. So she has a concussion and she's able to call you?" That McCarten, she sees what's going on here. Images of Bevin's ankle "injury" propelling her to the final two race through McCarten's mind.

Clever girl, she immediately asks for one-one-one time which interrupts Brad as he scans his memory to try and come up with what in the hell Michele from New Jersey looks like. McCarten plants one on him, which God bless him, Brad admits was awful. And he can't stop laughing as he says so. I am afraid my friend may have been right when she rushed to judgement about Brad's lack of intellectual power, however, his goofiness is starting to grow on me.

Hillary provides some commentary from behind the scenes and it quickly becomes apparent that she's on speed. Or has a serious caffeine addiction. Every other word was "frickin'!" (spelled with an "in' exclamation point"). I hope she gets booted quickly because as a cynical New Yorker, I can't abide by such gratuitous exertion of energy.

I don't know what to say about the bikini fashion show. Ri-DI-cu-lous. (Of course, it was Terry's favorite segment.) While mild-concussion-Michele-from-New-Jersey leaned forward to check out a particular pole dancing outfit, I noticed she must be the same Michele I tagged as needing a colorist in the last rose ceremony (the back of her head was taupe). Once I saw the front it was hard to ignore the stripes. I think she must have gotten one of those do-it-yourself highlight shower cap jobbies. Not a good look. And now that she has that neck injury, I don't think a proper colorist can help her.

On to the beach group date. Underwritten by the producers of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos available by mail order on late night cable.

I can't sum up my reaction to Solisa's shameless body shot ploy any better than Bettina's comment, "Seeing Brad do the body shot off Solisa was really hard for me to watch. I was like, 'Oh my God, I think I'm going to throw up. So gross.'" However, the pure entertainment line of the night was when Solisa then went on to explain to Brad that she's a Christian, and she has strong morals. God made her body, so she's comfortable with it. Later in the night she further demonstrated her strong faith by stripping off her top and going skinny dipping. It was hard to deny... she has a nice set of morals.

Jenni gets the first real kiss. There she goes, fanning the fires again. Hillary-I'm-on-speed thinks Jenni is only here to advance her career. (Career? As a stripper?)

Jenni's comment on her one-on-one time indicates her narrow view of topics available for discussion: "We just talked about everything in the whole wide world." They were upstairs for four minutes. They were kissing for three of them. Quite the conversationalists.

On to the rose ceremony. Aside from the medical drama, reflections of Bevin abound. There is another secret divorce. Looking forward to watching that unfold.

During the table top booty shaking competition, did anyone else notice Michele trying to discretely haul her boob back into her dress? 47 minutes and 25 seconds in for those who wish to review the tape (in line with ABC's male viewership strategy, I'm employing NFL language.)

By far, my favorite line of the evening came from Erin, "I came out here to find true love and I meet this beautiful man and just when my faith in relationships was beginning to be restored, I find myself out in the parking lot." At this point, Terence pointed out that if you're really trying to restore your faith in relationships, you probably shouldn't go on TV and prostrate yourself. (Good job, ABC. Pull them in with bikinis. Keep them guessing with NFL player appearances. Make it impossible for them to turn away with train wreck dialogue.)

Can't wait for next week when we get to witness "The most shocking cocktail party ever." Although there was no indication that bikinis would be involved, even Terence got a kick out of that hyperbole.

By the way, if you stuck around till after the credits, you got to see more slutty antics. But the more interesting insight from this little kitchen conversation was the proof that the scream from Michele's fall down the stairs was indeed a sound effect placed in later. No scream after Solisa's naughty-Brad-slap demonstration, although that's where it occurred when shown earlier in the show. I'm shocked that there would be any dramatization.