British Invasion

Sorry to not have this up sooner. It's been an eventful week. But the next Bach is imminent, so time for me to get the lead out!!

As I've lamented, I missed the premier of The Bachelor due to some renovation-induced chaos. So I'm a bit behind the curve and may not have all the information necessary to identify the crazies yet. Luckily, when it comes to Bach contenders, in most cases it doesn't take more than a brief first impression.

First of all, let me say right off the bat: I like Matt. Admittedly it's probably the accent. It's hard to sound cheesy when you're a Brit. But I sensed an appealingly snarky sense of humor when the recap from the week before shows Matt holding up a pair of underwear previously slipped his way as he says, "I don't care what country you're from, that is not cool." I further see his flippant comments are going to provide ongoing entertainment when he says with a wink, "It's the first time I've been to a fashion show, and it's the first time I've dated 8 women at one time." Matt, you dog. (So much more refreshing than insincere romanticism.)

I don't have much to say about the fashion show except that Holly should have skipped the moonwalk. It's hard to be sexy in stocking feet.

Michelle P kicked off what would soon turn out to be an evening of song with a cabaret-style ditty. Complete with exaggerated, self-aware, show-tune type facial expression. All of a sudden she looks like Jack MacFarland doing his best Brit-Brit impression, and I'm mortified.

Again, having missed the first episode, I was feeling behind the curve, but my first impression of Robin, the Advertising Coordinator, was that I was going to love hating her. First of all, I'm sure her career is skyrocketing from Holland, Michigan - the advertising capital of the world (I know I'm being snobby, but that's what watching The Bachelor is about). Second of all, she pulled one of those click, click sound effect maneuvers with her mouth and combo swivel head tilt that told me she needs help (I can't think of a better description of this mannerism - but I feel like I've seen it mocked on an SNL skit. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? It's driving me crazy that I can't remember this character)...

Ashlee is a wing nut. and I love how she dances around right in front of everyone literally drowning out Matt's speech about how it's too bad he can only give one rose. I see it's taking every ounce of her strength not to start chanting "nanny nanny nah-nah!".

Moving on to the casino date, several of the ladies prove that an IQ test was not part of the entrance requirement as they butcher the English language. Kelly comments, "There is other girls here who want to get to know him," while Shayne points out, "You have 20 other girls eyeing for your attention.".

Speaking of Shayne, I'm so happy to see that Matt has no time for her drama as he slaps her with, "Everyone else is putting up with [the awkwardness of being one of 20 girls dating me], and you're the only one with the issue." Shayne - he's a Brit! They don't find temper tantrums cute. Take it down a notch, girl...

Chelsea may have ended up with the rose, but I sense this may be nothing more than a fleeting, curious dalliance with American trash for our randy Brit. Chelsea's dress looked like a cross between what a cocktail waitress would wear at the Bada Bing and a figure skating costume from the 80s. Already looking like someone who knows how to work the register at the Dairy Queen, she then completes the picture with this classic phrase, "I do great things, but it's hard to share them with nobody but yourself." Indeed.

Some additional (shallow) comments/observations:

• I love Erin S simply becuase she's a hot dog vendor.
• Shayne's hair at the cocktail party makes her look like Elisha Cuthbert as a bordello worker. I sense she and her Agent came up with a list of looks that will demonstrate her acting versatility over the course of the season. Can't wait to see her (slutty) merchant ivory get up.
  
• Robin might be this season's premier psycho. Or it might be lap-dancing Marshana. Either way, I think they'll both be fun.
• Carri is a "Church Marketer". Who pays her salary? What would Jesus have on his business cards?
  
• I love Amanda because she gets stress hiccups. Hilarious!

Of course, I can not let pass without comment the most embarrassing moment of the of the show (possibly of the season - can't say). Carri decides she must continue the talent show parade and while sitting not 12 inches from Matt who is trapped by the edge of a mysteriously small love seat, she opens her mouth and lets her opera singing pipes do their thing. But the song selection just puts me over the edge. Summer time and the livin is easy!? Oh the humanity...

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony. Not yet emotionally attached to any of these girls, I found it pretty uneventful (except for Amanda's hiccups. Adorable). Chris comes in to remind us it's the final rose and I remember how useless he is, and how much I've missed him.

Erin H get the boot and tries to give our Brit a European-style double sided kiss, but turns her head weirdly so he ends up kissing her hair. Awkward!

Ending on a high point, we're treated to a moment of psycho drama after Michelle P emphatically implores Matt to seek out the good. She then goes (tearfully) on and on about how much she misses her cat who is the love of her life. As my friend J pointed out, "At that moment I flashed forward and saw many, many more cats in her future." Couldn't have said it better myself...

Chaos is dangerous

Not only did I miss The Bachelor: London Calling premier episode last week, I didn't even realize I missed it until a couple of nights ago.

Let's blame it on the fact that my kitchen and dining area looked like this for most of last week:


Luckily, I caught tonight's episode and will have comments posted shortly. Stay tuned...

Anniversary

My surgery was one year ago today. I can hardly believe it. It's funny how anniversaries can bring everything right back. The weather feels the same, the sunlight feels the same - it's made me remember how scared I was. I wish I could go back and tell that girl that brain surgery is no big deal. Just do what they tell you and before you know it, it's over.

To alleviate some of my anxiety, I interviewed a lot of brain surgery patients in the weeks leading up to my procedure. One of the things they all advised me was that I would feel much better after the first three months, and I would think I was back to normal after six. But at one year it would be as though a veil had been lifted and then I would remember what normal is.

Well, I believe that I will miss this epiphanal experience as my body is far from normal at this point. Something tells me another epiphany is right around the corner...

Every room needs a focal point

New Yorkers know full well, and the rest of you may have heard that there was a devastating construction accident here in New York over the weekend. A crane collapsed and fell across a city block and a half, leaving death and destruction in its path. The kind of freak accident we don't like to think about since most of us walk in blissful ignorance under massive overhead construction projects on a daily basis.

So let me first say that both Terry and I understand the depths of this tragedy.

Be that as it may, you can tell we're in the midst of a kitchen renovation. When Terry saw this picture on the news last night he said, "Oh. That's a Wolf range. Nice."

No comment on the I-beam that I read in the Times today had been catapulted into the air by the falling crane and hurled more than a football field’s length through the sky. It shot like a spear through the roof of a town house on the next block, then down through four floors and a brick wall. It ended up lodged in the concrete floor of the basement of a town house next door, its top half in the kitchen on the first floor, and as further reported by the Times, "just inches from a microwave oven and a stainless steel Wolf range."

I'm still here!

Are you?

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted something. It's because I've been working a lot. It's not that I don't have time to write - I'm a night owl, and could certainly write into the wee hours - it's just that nothing interesting is happening to me because I'm usually in the office. No inspiration...

This past weekend I managed not to do any work at all, but I did have to attend TWELVE HOURS of birthing class over two days. Seriously. Twelve hours. 14 year olds give birth in locker rooms and go back to class. What could possibly be on the agenda that takes 12 hours to explain? About 1 1/2 hours of it was useful. Really all I wanted to know was 1. when do I go to the hospital and 2. when should I get the epidural.

The remaining 10 1/2 hours involved a lot of "learning exercises" that I found ridiculous. For example, they made us hold ice cubes in our bare hands to create discomfort and had us try various distraction techniques. Of course then we had to share our thoughts out loud with the group. When the instructor asked us to share what we "trust about childbirth" I felt like saying, "Well, I trust that it's going to hurt more than holding an ice cube. Can we speed this up?"

After the first "hold the ice cube" exercise, when the teacher asked us all how we had coped with it, one guy said, "Well, I tried talking to the ice cube. I told it soon it would melt and I wouldn't feel it." Teacher: "Oh, that's excellent. How could you help your wife apply that during labor?" "Well, we could talk to her cervix." I did not belong in this class.

Saving grace? The class was held in a building across the street from one of my favorite restaurants in New York: Artisanal. Fondue for lunch. Now cheese I can talk to...