They're real, and they're spectacular

This has been a busy week. Full of unexpected doctor's appointments and unpacking kitchen stuff. They finished the renovation on Tuesday morning (three days early) and sent a cleaning crew in on Tuesday afternoon. By the time I got home on Tuesday night, this place had been cleaned within an inch of its life. They cleaned the entire first floor of my apartment - including the bathroom. I was blown away. For anyone doing a kitchen or bathroom reno in the New York Metro area - I highly recommend MyHome Renovation. (Contact me if you reach out - I'll give you details on our designer and project manager, etc.) By the way - I'll get pictures up soon. Our designer is going to take some in a week or two - so I'll post his.

Now that all that drama is done (I realize this is a hilarious statement to make given the fact that I am giving birth tomorrow morning), it's time to get down to business and get out my thoughts on last week's Bach.

During the opener, Chris informs us that there will be a group date, a special one-on-one date and a two-on-one date. Just that fact that this show has an official event called the "two-on-one date" is enough to hold Terence's attention.

The group date will feature tennis and tea. Robin informs us that it's traditional at "WimbelTon" to have high tea, so this is something that's very important to Matt. 10 seconds later, Matt tells us they're going to have afternoon tea as he throws his head back and says this just cracks him up.

Later, perhaps afraid her tennis ability won't be considered up to par, Shayne finds a patch of grass and shows off her athletic prowess with some gymnastics maneuvers. Matt is obviously impressed, and it does seem appealingly contradictory to her primadonna disposition.

Robin shows a laughable lack of understanding of the premise of the show as she snottily comments on Shayne's display: "I wouldn't go off and do gymnastics. That just seems like a scream for attention to me."

Matt asks Ashlee to take a walk for some one-on-one time. As I'm trying to figure out why she's wearing black knee highs and a parka with her tennis whites, we see some of her behind the scenes commentary. She tells us she was happy about getting this first one-on-one time because "I don't like sloppy seconds". Perhaps you shouldn't go on a show where you share a guy with 24 other women. I'm just saying...

All of a sudden I notice that Ashlee can't stop giggling and it makes her sound like the Road Runner. And then she starts singing again. Oh, PLEASE stop with the singing. There is only so much mortification I can take.

Over tea, Robin tries to act like she might be British. And then Shayne imitates Robin imitating a Brit. I have completely converted on Shayne. I LOVE her.

Again, Robin demonstrates she doesn't understand the construct of this program when she cries upon learning that she may have hurt the other girls by disrespecting them.

Time for Amanda's one-on-one date. Afraid that up until now she may have given an impression that she's boring, she decides she's going to vamp it up for her 1955 All American style date. After applying some extra volumizing hair spray and fuchsia lip gloss, she seeks approval from the other girls who assure her she looks like a raging slut. Not to mention whore. A vixen with the meeps.

Matt's Fonz impression? Adorable. Amanda's transformation? Matt's got chills. They're multiplyin.

Amanda is adorable and flirty on the date. She tells Matt she could tell right off that he had a geeky side. Matt finds her charming. She will go far.

We go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong ...

Meanwhile, as she prepares for the cooking session two-on-one date, Marshana provides a dramatic speech that shows us she is a woman on the edge. She tries to give us insight to the unfathomable amount of stress she's under as the obvious underdog. She assures us she is diggin deep. She's been trying to keep it together. But she can't quite manage it, and the next thing we know, she takes it out on an innocent whisk.

By the time Marshana and Holly leave in the limmo, Marshana has been reduced to a whiney, mopey mess of a puddle. Completely incongruous to the vibe she's giving out, she's donning a giant chef hat at a jaunty angle. Terence drops what I would normally consider to be a groaner of a pun, "That girl is one toque over the line." Maybe it's the hormones, but I thought that was hilarious.

Holly obviously agrees with Marshana's assessment that Holly is the predetermined winner, and states her strategy with all the sunshiny glibness you'd expect from a children's book author, "I'm just going to be me!"

Inexplicably given the cooking theme of the date, all of a sudden Matt and Holly are on a giant bed. Matt is trying to tell her he might be too intellectual for her. He delicately probes on the issue by using the word "boring" instead of smart and says he likes to know what's going on in the Middle East not to mention the financial markets in Brazil. Is she ok with that? In true demonstration of the very problem Matt is trying to get at, Holly says, "Oh yes. I'm boring too. Like sometimes I just like to watch movies. " Seeing she doesn't get it, he tries again by telling her he loves challenging questions. Does she have any for him? Crickets chirping. Her brow furrows and I can see the wheels turning as she tries to decide which of the brain twisters from her SAT prep book best highlights her fun-loving side. "Ok. I have one. Train A leaves Boston at 2:00...."

Despite all this, I must say, I was truly shocked when he gives the rose to Marshana. Truly. While I'm on the Marshana Mystery, can I ask a question? Perhaps I missed a crucial piece of information imparted on the first episode, but why does she keep adorning herself in Indian jewels? And was that a Sari? She is African American. And from Brooklyn. WTF!? Please comment if you can explain this...

On to pre-rose ceremony cocktails. Matt presses Ashlee on whether she believes there is more to their relationship than good looks and music. She immediately peels out a few seconds of her road runner giggle and tells him they should spend a day together to find out. I'm not sure her statement had the reassuring quality Matt was looking for.

Ashlee is not the only girl causing Matt to harbor doubts. As he starts to grill Kelly about her intentions, she quickly senses things are going bad. Her face transforms into an unmistakable may-day, may-day expression when all of a sudden, out of NOWHERE she pulls open her dress to flash her boobs and declares,"Those are very nice. I have very large breasts". I had to rewind and re-watch this scene about five times before I was able to absorb how crazy it was. Terence was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes, but this was also the moment he became a huge Kelly fan.

Confronted with the fact that this girl is a drunken mess, Matt doesn't even know what to do. Kelly sums it up best when she slurs with disgust, "Come on. Try and meet another girl like me. Whatever. You won't." I'm sure Matt is thinking, "Yes. One would have to go to a rehab clinic if you wanted to meet another girl like Kelly." Terry's comment, "Kelly is the Amy Winehouse of The Bachelor."

The rose ceremony was "somber," but Kelly's inevitable exit provides one last burst of entertainment as she states, "I would be dating me if I was a dude." She stumbles off to connect with her dealer. Ashley is devastated to not get a rose. But then, through the tears, a ray of hope in the form of song. Thank God she's gone.

Scenes from the next promise "the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history." I can not wait. One caveat: given that I will be in the hospital for most of the coming week, I have to apologize now for my late posting of tomorrow's episode. I'll get the recap up as soon as I can.

Terence promises to post pictures of Baby Voltz before then. See you all soon...