The void that can never be filled

Something terrible happened to me this week. On the scale of "wrong outfit" to "brain tumor," it definitely fell to the former side of the spectrum, but nonetheless, I'm somewhat devastated.

My DVR wasn't set to record The Bachelor. I only caught the last 19 minutes of the hour and a half premeire. It's only thanks to my friend Denise that I even saw that much. She emailed me part of the way in to the show to say she thought Brad was dumb, what did I think? I was sitting on the couch (next to my Blackberry, thank God) looking over a presentation I had to give to a group of Clients the next morning, completely oblivious to the fact that I was missing the premier. WHERE were my priorities, I ask you?!

By the time I got clued in, the rose ceremony was already in progress. How could this happen to me in the age of DVR?! Haven't I been through enough? Well, for what it's worth, I'll pass along my comments on the brief part of the drama I managed to catch...

The first thing I saw was a girl named "McCarten" (oh for the love of God), and right away she used the word "bottom dwellers" to refer to the other candidates. I was filled with dread knowing I had missed some good trash TV. I bravely pressed on.

Thank God they played highlights from the episode in Brad's "memory montage" so I could catch up while The Bach provided [yes, Denise. dumb] commentary in The Deliberation Room. By the way, I don't remember a Deliberation Room from last season, but I appreciate the poignancy. It really helps underscore the burden that falls to Brad.

Not to beat a dead horse, but it's just not the same when all the craziness is played in a montage reel. It's more startling and delivers more horrifying thrills when you see it unfold in situ. Be that as it may, the stroll down episode one memory lane buoyed my spirit as I could tell we were in for a good season. How did I know?

• The introduction in Greek that filled Brad with confused wonder. Did he love it? Did he hate it? Damned if he knew, but he figured she must be a heck of a girl if she could memorize all that.
• That whackadoo song singer knocked it out of humiliation park. A. she didn't know the words B. she cant' sing. They cut off the video before I could see Brad's response to that gem. What does one say? Thank you? Why did you do that? Can you feel your left arm and do you want me to call a doctor?
• Gotta love the drunk girl. Based on my limited experience, it's looking like that's the deal with the premiere. Always a drunk girl to provide entertainment. (I'm remembering last year a girl in a yellow dress who was so plastered she fell down)
• The human pretzel. I have no further comment on this, except to say I'll bet that girl pulls that maneuver at every party she goes to.

So on to the rose ceremony. I don't have the same emotional investment I normally experience. Having missed practically the entire show, I barely know these girls. Oh wait, neither does Brad. Come on, Joanie! Get your head in the game...

• Favorite acceptance: McCarten who snidely threw out an "Excuse me," as she barreled past the girls in the first row. What she was really saying was, "Get out of the way, losers! Enjoy the ride home you bottom dwellers!"
• Biggest question: why is the back of Michelle's hair taupe? Do they not have a colorist on this show?
• Favorite rose ceremony demeanor: drunk girl who began to remind me of a blond Paula Abdul.
• Best attempt to apply third grade slumber party rules: Lori who tearfully explained that all the other girls in her limmo got roses and she didn't. You're right Lori - that's not fair!

The coming attractions hinted that this will be a season full of the *f* bomb, catty backstabbing, gratuitous bikini wearing (and lack thereof), helicopters (including a medi-vac! oh the drama), crocodile tears and general tom-foolery. Can't wait for the twin caper...