I can't get no satisfaction...

I watched "After the final rose" last week looking for some answers, and I am left utterly unsatisfied. Probably not as unsatisfied as DeAnna, or her father as it turns out, but unsatisfied in a "that's ten hours of my life I'll never get back" sort of way.

My main conclusions:

1. Chris is as appealing in the "grilling host of talk show format" as he is useless in the "facilitator of action as it unfolds" format.
2. Brad is full of crap.
3. Jenni is vapid.
4. DeAnna deserves better, and could be a contender for the next Bachelorette.

The show opens and Chris whets our appetite: "Jenni, DeAnna and Brad are all here. And Brad has some 'splainin to do!"

Because they want to reaffirm The Bachelor franchise as a credible source of happy couples in the face of this season's debacle, and because they need some filler to get to a full hour, ABC trots out some happy couples from years gone by. Of course, Trysta and Ryan lead the parade with their brand new baby in tow. Yeah, yeah, cute baby. Get Brad out here.

Ryan is babbling about fatherhood but I'm more interested in the supers flying across the bottom of the screen: "Jenni confronts Brad" and "DeAnna confronts Brad"

After they bring out Byron and Mary - another "successful Bachelor couple" they finally bring out Jenni.

She hasn't seen Brad since she got the boot. Poor Jenni, they review the footage of her rejection in front of the live audience. I forgot how ugly her cry was up on that pedestal. Yikes.

Chris rubs it in, "You took a huge leap of faith. You told him you loved him. And then he rejected you." I swear he's gloating.

Jenni shows some impartial critical assessment of the DeAnna situation when she says exactly what the rest of us have to be thinking. She doesn't understand why he didn't say, "I can't propose to you right now, but I do want to see where this can go in real life. I do want to go the movies with you. I do want to talk on the phone with you." Yea! What about dating!?

Oh no! Then we learn Jenni's Grandmother just passed away. I'm so sad. I loved that cranky old woman. They dial up the drama with a video tribute to grandma. That woman was an octogenarian (? at least a septuagenarian) who no doubt accomplished many great things in her life. Yet for millions of people, her lasting legacy will be the three minutes of airtime she got on The Bachelor. Jenni couldn't have been more touched.

Finally DeAnna shows her face. An equal opportunity humiliator, Chris grinds her nose into the dirt as well, "You told Brad you loved him and he couldn't say the same." (Is there a graceful response to that? Was it a question?)

DeAnna laments that most men only get one woman! He had two. How could he not choose one? Chris points out maybe the problem is Brad. Dee has to concur. She summarizes the key issue, "I could understand if he couldn't propose, I don't understand how he could let me walk away."

DeAnna goes on to give us insight to the hell she's been living in the "real world". People keep coming up to her and saying, "I think he chooses you." She reenacts how she smiles through her pain and says, "You have to watch and see!"

I get a hint at the train wreck a comin when DeAnna actually admits that she still loves him. She would take him back. She's there with hope in her heart. Good God. My stomach is in knots.

Brad comes out and is probably encouraged by the lack of tomatoes thrown by the audience. Chris cuts to the chase: "Can you explain what happened? You let them declare their love for you and then you broke their hearts."

Brad provides an evasive answer punctuated with a shallow term of endearment with all the skill of a politician, "I don't have a formula for falling in love, man."

Chris plays the trump card that's been up his sleeve and this is when I know Brad is not going to redeem his reputation, "The audience doesn't know we flew DeAnna's father out at your request because we were that sure that there would be a proposal and then there wasn't. How does that make you feel as a man?"

Not satisfied with emasculation, Chris impugns Brad's character when he gets him to admit Brad knew there was something wrong when he bought the ring. Chris exploits the admission, "So, did you feel like a jerk?"

While Brad admitted that yes, it was hard not to conclude that he indeed, was a jerk, he denied the rumors that he was dating someone else, that he has children and/or is gay.

I'm not yet satisfied with the level of awkwardness. But luckily, as had been promised earlier in the show, it's time for "Jenni to confront Brad."

Jenni comes out and she gives Brad a big hug. They do some awkward touching of each other's knees. In his defense, Brad offers this explanation to Jenni, "I was thinking of her when I was with you and vice versa." This boy does not know how to help himself.

Chris chums the water and prods Jenni to state that she's lost respect for Brad. I love Chris.

Just when we think Brad's anxiety level can't get higher, out comes DeAnna. She looks so shiny and full of hope, and I want to scream, "Run! Save yourself! It's not too late!" She's not sure if she should hug him or not, but she does and it is AWK-ward.

I can't avert my eyes from the lamb's journey to slaughter. With stunning speed, Brad effects the fatal wound, "You deserve someone [else] who's going to tell you all the things you told me: that you're so in love with me, that you want to have my kids." Oh, the bleating. It will haunt my dreams.

Brad tells DeAnna he is just as broken hearted as she is, that he thinks of her everyday. But immediately douses whatever hope that may have ignited with the definitive, "I'm very confident in my decision."

DeAnna sobs, "It still doesn't make any sense. I guess I hoped you wouldn't let me walk out of your life for a second time. You won't get another chance after today." I'm thinking, Brad - her nails are perfectly manicured and that dress is adorable. You may have some crow to eat to get back in dad's good graces, but what are you doing!?

Impervious to the flawless fashion in front of him, Brad continues, "I understand. I can't apologize for not falling in love."

Trying to make a case for not being stoned to death in the parking lot by the studio audience, Brad pleads, "I thought I was taking the high road."

DeAnna assures him, "You made a mistake. Whether you know it or not."

With one last hollow comment, Brad tells DeAnna, "I'll miss you more than you'll ever know." Over his particular brand of bullsh*%t, DeAnna doesn't let him off the hook, "Please don't say that to me right now."

Could DeAnna be a contender for the next Bachelorette?