Nice to meet you, Sir

I just love the Bachelor hometown dates. I derive such schadenfreude from watching our Bach meet the fathers. Meeting your girlfriend's parents is stressful enough - then throw in the fact that everyone in the room (not to mention America) knows you're dating three other women in addition to their precious daughter. Pure entertainment.

But first, the "previously on The Bachelor" scenes remind me of Hillary's visit to crazy town. I miss that girl. Enough dwelling on the past, there's new drama to get snide about. Let's meet the families...

Jenni
Hometown: Somewhere in Kansas (does it matter where?)

I've never noticed Jenni's inability to stop giggling girlishly before, but I see it now and it's driving me crazy. Moving on...

After telling Brad to meet her at the theater where she won her very first dance competition, arranging to gain access to the hall, making sure the stage lights were on and having a set constructed complete with heart decorations that match her dress, Jenni gets out on stage to perform and says, "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed." Somehow, Brad drags her out of her shell by saying, "Don't be at all." Jenni flips her hair and jumps into her routine without pause.

While watching her perform, Brad can't help but see her love for cheerleading shine through (she loftily refers to it as dance, but let's call a spade a spade). Brad knows if she makes the Phoenix Sun Squad for another year, she'll have to follow her heart and stay. The prospect of a long term romance fills Brad with worry. Jenni reminds him compromise is important in a relationship. You know, like when you have to share your boyfriend with 24 other girls on national TV. Compromise.

Off to dinner with the family at the hair salon (!?) where Jenni's mom works. Grandma Betty is scary. I don't like to show disrespect for my elders (except my husband), but that woman looks like a troll. But her relentless crankiness begins to warm my heart. As she lashes out with her snide one liners, it's hard not to realize it's like looking in a mirror. It's me in 40 years. But I will have a better T shirt. Favorite line, "That little lady ain't no walkin' baby makin' factory." You tell 'em, Granny!

In between courses, Jenni's mom brings Brad over to the shampoo station(!?). While she's whipping his head around like a spinning top, Brad offers a furtive compliment, "This is comfortable." Yep - that's the word I would use to describe this situation. Comfortable.

Brad informs Jenni's momma that despite being in a bar all the time, it's hard for him to meet the right kind of women there. He doesn't get to meet women like Jenni very often at all. This seems to mollify Jenni's mom and she doesn't seem offended even though I'm fairly confident she met Jenni's dad in a bar.

I liked Jenni's dad better after he made a wheelchair joke, "Let me tell you a secret, Brad. You don't have to worry about Grandma as long as you stay out of her reach."

Over dinner, Jenni finds out she's made the team. Let's all compromise. She's in it a million percent. Meanwhile, Brad's hair doesn't look so hot. So good luck with that salon that appears to be in a corn field in the middle of nowhere.

Sheena
Hometown: Walnut Creek, CA

Sheena's parents pull up in what has to be a $200,000 boat and I'm thinkin that makeshift dining room in the back of the salon is looking pretty shabby right now.

Speaking of salons, Sheena's mom should get to one because it looks like has been hennaed within an inch of her life.

We get a peak at the looniness to ensue while still on the boat and Sheena's mom asks Brad what sign he is. Luckily his sign passes the compatibility test, and the fun loving afternoon continues.

But after dinner the hippy dippy crap really starts pouring out. Sheena's mom believes she's seen the truth, and it's that Sheena is the ONE. She may not be Brad's ONE, but she is SOMEONE'S one. I swear she had to be drunk because she wasn't making any sense at all. "You know, you can lasoo the big dipper from our hot tub. Oh! And you're the same sign as my husband. Oh my Gosh." Brad doesn't know what to say and eeks out a tentative, "Mm-hmm." A lifetime of Thanksgivings spent eating tofu turkey before gathering around the oujie board flash before his eyes.

Later, from the Big Dipper Hot Tub, Brad tells Sheena meeting her mom has been a great way to see how she got to be who she is. And he kissed her on the cheek. And that's when I know it was over for Sheena.

DeAnna
Hometown: Canton, GA

DeAnna must know she's coming off as a hard edged b*%#ch, because she actually showed up to meet Brad with a basket of Georgia peaches. Because she's so Martha like that.

I don't have much to say about DeAnna's family. They seem like fun. Who wouldn't like a family that drinks Ouzo and dances in a circle in the middle of the day?

DeAnna is so clearly a Daddy's girl, so Brad knows he's got to impress Papa. He says, "I don't meet girls like your daughter too often," and I almost die. No he didn't. He used that same exact line on Jenni's mom! (Meanwhile if he had only met Hillary's parents - that line would be perfect.)

Fearing that the peaches may not have been enough to completely soften her image, D trots out the dead mother. And how. Photo albums galore. Papa reminds Brad that his little girl has had a hard life without her momma. Who's a b*%#ch now? Beat that, ladies!

Bettina
Hometown: Washington, DC

First of all, I'm befuddled by the wardrobe choice. What's with the yoga warm up outfit? Your boyfriend is coming to see you in your hometown for the first time, and you pull on sweatpants? That decision will come to haunt her - the opening shot as she turned to hug Brad with sweatpants up the butt was not flattering.

So where do I begin with Bettina's family? They are awful, awful people.

Right after Brad mentions that he dropped out of school to go into business (aka, become a bartender), he finds out Bettina's dad is a professor. Off to a great start. Trying to make light of the situation, Brad jokes, "It's a family friendly business." Do they graciously let him off the hook? Of course not. "Oh, so your family is in this business?" Squirming, "Um no, I meant that as a joke."

Silence.

I feel the blood rushing to my head. I'm ready to crawl under my couch.

I'm half hoping this could be a case of dramatic editing. Maybe the mood in the room is not as uncomfortable as I imagine. But then the behind the scenes commentary from Bettina's father tells me all I need to know, "I don't want my daughter to be with a guy who runs a bunch of bars. The fact is that her first husband was a wonderful, wonderful (two wonderfuls!?) man. She'll never find anyone who's any better." Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad. If my father ever said that, I would punch him.

Stepmom tells Brad how important this all is as she looks down her nose at him and gives him a condescending glance. "This conversation has grown tiresome, I'm going to take the dog out now."

Brad feels justifiably judged and B's response is, "I don't look that good on paper either." In other words, don't worry that my family thinks you're a loser. They think I am too. Didn't you just hear my dad say I'll never do better than my first husband whom I couldn't manage to hold on to? Hell, I couldn't even get out of these sweatpants today. We're perfect for each other.

Going into the rose ceremony, I was torn. That passionless peck on the cheek in Sheena's Big Dipper Lasso tub said a lot. On the other hand, I really could not get over how dreadfully snobby Bettina's family was.

But in the end, snobby beats hippy dippy and Sheena gets sent packing. At first she handles it well, but it all comes flooding out at once when Brad says he's not the guy for her. I guess she's someone else's ONE after all.

Cheer up honey. You got the Chopard. I think you're ahead of the game.

Just standing around chatting with my three girlfriends...