Aloha

Let me start by saying I have a stabbing pain radiating from a point on the upper right side of my skull as I pop an Aleve and settle in to watch TBOAG. It may prompt more caustic remarks than absolutely necessary or warranted. I apologize in advance.

Having said that, I can't really think of something snide to say about that opening without being disrespectful to the memory of those who died at Pearl Harbor. I can, however, say I was truly mortified when Andy awkwardly told the six year old girl that Tessa was his girlfriend. Right. And had you been here 20 minutes ago, you could have met one of my other two girlfriends. Andy, she is not your girlfriend. Stop trying to act like this is all normal.

Before I continue, I must offer an observation: the more episodes I see the more I realize how socially awkward Andy is. I think he must be a late bloomer who was never good looking until after he had already been set aside as a nerd. By the time he "bloomed," no one noticed his ripped abs. I'm sure he was in ROTC and probably was the RA of his dorm. He was most likely the captain of something (not football or lacrosse). On paper, he's a real BMOC. But what I really see is a nerd calling out to be loved by the in-crowd.

While I'm picking on Andy, again this week he has to state that he's in the Navy, not to mention a doctor, every five minutes. After the third USS Arizona date Andy comments, "I love being a Navy diver. I love being a Navy doctor." ABC cut out the part where he says, "But most importantly, I love telling people that I am in the Navy. And that I'm a doctor in the Navy." And did you catch him tipping his Naval officer's hat right after that? Snare drums accentuated the move perfectly.

Enough serious Navy stuff. Off to zip lining. First of all, random side note: the entire Traynor and Voltz families, including my mother, went zip lining in Mexico this past summer. It was a blast.

My brother's wife, Clementina (fellow brain surgery survivor), and I.
Harnessed in and ready to go.

Mamma Joan zipping high above the forest floor. Go mom!

Back to the matter at hand. What was it about that tarzan date that melted old ice-in-the-veins-Tessa? She could not keep her hands off Andy. Not even on the suspension bridge! What can explain this sudden and drastic change of heart? ABC is not showing us the whole story, and I feel cheated.

Anyway, if I had any doubt about Andy's social awkwardness, it disappeared the minute I saw his Saturday Night Fever sushi eating outfit. What was that? And Tessa even knew it. After Andy told her how great she looked she looked him up and down and said, "You look very, [pause] very [looooong pause - searching for the right word. Or any word.] stunning(?!) yourself." What she's really thinking: "Are you putting on a piano tie and going to a bar mitvah after this?"

Did anyone else notice the music playing while Danielle and Andy watched the sunset? Love Lifts Us Up. Indeed. But I have nothing else to say about this date, and so this is when I know Danielle will never make it to the next round. Hey, Dani, cheer up. At least you didn't kill this one.

Comments about the Bevin date:

• I've long thought the shoulder tat was cheesy. But that lower back super-sized artwork - well I just don't see Andy loving that.
• Bevin loves being all alone in the wilderness. Yes. All alone with a camera crew and a prop stylist (Where do you think the inner tubes came from?)
• The underwater kissing was nasty. Did you see all that crap floating in the water?
• Did you catch Andy jamming to the drums? Gimme a beat. And bring me my piano tie. (If you stayed past the credits you saw some priceless footage of Andy flailing around with some red pom-poms trying to bump and grind. Andy, it's a luau. And you're a recovering nerd. Sit down.)

The whole Fantasy Suite thing is creepy. I don't know what else to say about that.

Gatsby(?!), thanks for flying in. Not very helpful except to remind us once again that Andy is a tri-athlete and a doctor. But don't worry, in case you missed it, Andy reminds us as he laments the decision in front of him, "I'm a healer. I'm a doctor. I help others. I take their pain away. So to break the heart of one of these women tonight, it kills me to have to do that." Andy, you already used this line! How many times do you expect us to stomach it?

I thought Danielle held it together remarkably well. But I think she'll fall apart when she sees the playback and realizes how much that parting shot - during the hug - highlighted her black roots. "Why!? Why?! [sob] WHY did the camera have to be at such an aerial angle?"

Can't wait for the Lancaster date. This may be when the future Mrs. Lt. Andy Baldwin realizes that the love of her life had not a single friend in high school, but did win the regional medical sciences achievement award as an Eagle Scout while in the 12th grade.