The most romantic season finale EVER

Right off the bat, our host Chris Harrison lets us know this will be "the most romantic season finale EVER". And it was hard to deny with "Love Lift Us Up" playing in the background. To set the mood, ABC decides to recap "the emotional journey to the final two" for us. Emotional, indeed.

Bevin's emotional journey:

• The medic? No, the DOCTOR
• The electricity
• The "displaced fracture"
• The Spanx
• The boozy casino hotel night
• The divorce confession
• The underwater kissing
• The electricity

Tessa's emotional journey:

• The muffin joke
• The "sharing Andy" hissy fit
• Operation make Tessa chase Andy
• The snowball
• The best friend
• The Saturday Night Fever suit
• The, like, feelings

Off to Lancaster, PA. The minute I see Andy's grandparents, I feel bad that I ever made fun of their grandson. How cute are they? 60 years of marriage. Love lift us up.

Once the warm fuzzies wear off, I realize Andy does not look like he is related to any of the people in that living room. Do you think he's adopted? Or maybe ABC hired actors to play the parts? I'm sorry - especially that "sister." They are not from the same gene pool.

As I ponder the genetic mystery, candidate number one arrives. What was with Tessa showing up empty handed? You're going to visit your potential future in-laws and you don't bring a bottle of wine? A bag of chips? A newspaper? Maybe she could have made a snowball for them on the front yard.

Almost immediately, Grandpa reveals that behind that adorable exterior he's a dirty old man at heart. He tells Andy with a gleam in his eye, "When I think back to my youth, when I was a lot like you, she would have really appealed to me!" Then they both give the thumbs up. Grandpa later asks Tessa about her religious affiliation and seems relieved to hear she's not too much of a stickler about her Catholic upbringing. Grandpa, you dog!

Andy again proves he is the master of the obvious with this boneheaded comment: "It's definitely hard for a family to meet two girlfriends in one day."

On to the next applicant. As Andy walks Bevin into the house (yellow roses. nice) he offers the smoking gun that tells me he is not related to these people, "Here it is. Here's my family!" It? As in, the one that was delivered by central casting this morning to this "house" that is actually constructed on a back lot at Universal Studios? Whatever. I decide to go with the flow.

Meanwhile, Bevin must have picked up on Grandpa's vibe. She tries to guarantee his vote with a mention of the two causes she's dedicating her professional life to: Alzheimer's and increasing libido in menopausal women. Did you see Gramps perk up? Jackpot.

Also, Gramma must have been a number in her day, because 1. she's married to Gramps, afterall and 2. she and Bevin were obviously kindred spirits. Her advice? "Make it happen." Go, Granny!

Grandpa cuts to the chase during the family meeting: "The reason Andy is having such a hard time - and I think I can understand it - he's turned on by Bevin. [Afterall, who wouldn't be? Did you get a load of those gams? Not to mention her, well, let's just say, she's a brick house, that Bevin. Reminds me of your Grandmother.]"

Back to Hawaii - these kids are doing a LOT of flying. Speaking of flying - WHAT was with the helicopter freakout? That uncontrollable nervous laugh of Bevin's was starting to put ME on edge. It made me think Andy should run a background check to make sure there were no periods of institutionalism. Is B'hai another word for "lock-down"?

Just as I'm starting to lose focus on the romantic theme, our host Chris reminds me at the header of the commercial break that we're about to witness "the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history." Immediately back from the break, Andy shouts to the ocean, "So romantic! Are you kidding me?!" And then it happens. Andy says the most romantic thing ever, "I'm in freakin love." That has been Andy's signature line since the sixth grade. Works every freakin time.

How did Andy describe his date with Bevin? "I had a really romantic evening with Bevin last night." And what about the afternoon with Tessa? "Riding on the beach with Tessa was so romantic."

Caught up by the romance of it all, Tessa lays her heart on the line. She tells Andy she has, like, fallen in love with him. His response? With the inflection of a telemarketer, "Well, I love YOU, Tessa Leigh*." Not, "I freakin love you, Tessa"? Oh my God, she's toast. But I underestimate her. Tessa pulls out a picture collage. I believe that a picture collage, complete with magazine cutouts, is not something you should make for the man you hope to marry. Unless you meet him while you're in the seventh grade. Or summer camp. But I forget what we're dealing with here, and of course, it works. Andy's response? "I freakin love you. You know that? I freakin love you." Oh, the freakin romance.

And the suspense! Who will get that final rose? And if Bevin expects to have a chance in hell, why the Farah Fawcett hair - again!? It is not flattering, Bev. Sure enough, it's the end of the road for Bevin. And I truly felt sorry for her. Especially when Andy says, "I want you to know this is not a rejection. [Now get your #%s out of here. The other limmo is pulling up. Chris? Where's Chris. Get her outta here. Oh, God. She's crying on my suit.]"

Bevin is understandably crushed. Bev, there's an old man in Lancaster who would never reject you. Give him a call. I think his wife is a swinger.

God help me, I cried during the proposal. Love lift us up. What can I say, it was the most romantic season finale EVER!

We may know who got the final rose, but two questions remain:
1. What is the story behind the dog tags? Tonight was not the first appearance - they showed up on Tessa's hometown date as well, but there has never been an explanation.
2. Is it me, or did Andy's teeth suddenly turn yellow?

Bonus episode tonight - perhaps the answers will be revealed.


*I think he said "Tessa Leigh". I can find no record of her middle name anywhere, but I did find out her mother's maiden name is "Li". So maybe it's actually "Tessa Li". Or maybe he said something else entirely.