Andy: The Wind Beneath My Wings

I don't particularly know why, but the whole deafness thing hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend. I was feeling pretty depressed and even went on a crying jag. No worries - I am almost over it. Just needed to indulge a day or two of some good old fashioned feeling sorry for myself.

With a new episode of The Bachelor to watch, I knew it was time to refocus. I opened my DVR list this morning and my spirits were immediately buoyed by the description I saw: "One woman gets a fairy-tale date with Andy."

The opening shot let me know I would not be disappointed. A shamelessly contrived peek at shirtless Andy doing pushups on the handrail of The Yacht while the voiceover tells us what he's thinking. No, it's not, "...forty eight, forty nine, fifty! God, am I ripped or what!?" Sensitive Andy is reflecting on how stressful last night's rose ceremony was. Not as stressful as the next time he "runs into" Stephanie Pole Dancer. Andy, two words: guard detail.

The first afternoon is all about relaxing on The Yacht. No roses to worry about, it's just some casual hanging around with Andy and his six girlfriends. During the conversation, Tessa almost blows it by announcing her pet peeve is when someone walks with thin socks on a rug. Ok, you're quirky. That could be cute, I guess. But then she takes it right over the line by describing her reaction, "I start gagging." Too much, Tessa! Andy saw a life of tip-toeing through the living room past a dry-heaving Tessa. Yikes.

But the image was quickly erased from memory by Tina, master of awkward social interaction. Oh my God, she's not. Yes she is. She is picking Andy's teeth as though these two are baboons. She was thinking, "Who's cool now, ladies? You all WISH you could be facilitating a balanced hygiene routine for Lieutenant Andy Baldwin."

Bevin starts to feel she is losing control of the situation. She decides to show Andy she is both whimsical and athletic with a kayaking adventure. The other girls are green with envy as they see Bevin and Andy playfully falling in the water together in a huge embrace. Those two are so devil may care.

Andy dropped the bone-headed line of the episode during his date with Stephanie Kansas: "Blending the wines was fun. You can take that to the next level and relate it to a romance and relationships. It was a blend of a little bit of Andy, a little bit of Stephanie." Stick to the military analogies, bucko. Suddenly I yearn for the days of "It's time for Operation Soulmate." I also loved that after tasting the wine, Andy gave a big old, "Aaahhhh" like an eight year old who just gulped down a glass of ice cold milk. The semolier blanched. He had no idea what was to come, and thank God he didn't stick around to witness it. The painted hands on the hearts thing was ri-di-cu-lous, and Andy could not have been more serious. It instantly brought me back to the very somber blood sister ceremony I had with Kim Mayer when I was 7 years old. It involved a stick pin and a candle, and I'm pretty sure chants about sisters for life were invoked. Actually, maybe that's what that was - because they kissed like brother and sister after the ritual. (Haven't seen or spoken to Kim Mayer in decades.)

Very titillating when Bevin dropped the "D bomb." There will be some Class A drama when Andy finds out she's been divorced. And I loved how Bevin says that she hasn't had any time to tell him. No time? Really? You had about an hour to cry to him about your puffy ankle, but that divorce didn't come up, huh? How about anytime during the hotel room makeout session? How about right after he told you you're his sanctuary? How about during the back of the yacht makeout session after your whimsical kayak jaunt? Ok, well, I'm sure Andy won't find it odd that it never came up what with the jam packed schedule and all.

Next, some insight from Stephanie Kansas. She chalked up her utter lack of any ability to articulate a single professional or personal goal during her one on one date to being unable to "let her guard down." That was not shyness, sweetheart. Andy point blank asked her twenty different ways til Sunday what her life plan was, followed by about three minutes of excruciating silence. Well, not complete silence. There was a lot of, "Ummm... well,.... what drives me?" As in, could you repeat the question while I try to remember how Miss America answered this during the last pageant? Maybe I can rip off her answer. Oh, wait. Want to see me do back flips again?

With each passing episode, I just love how language is getting more casual and all the crutch words are coming out:

Amber's passionate plea, "Like, I am WAY more mature than any other twenty three year old, EV-ER!" Yea, WAY!

Bevin has an epiphany, "Like, the guy that I'm dating right now is dating, like, so many other women. It totally makes me feel, like, desperate...At my age, it's like, I feel ridiculous. Like, why am I putting myself through this when I could just be at home, like, dating a guy who's just going to date one person." Like, TOTALLY!

The playground date was an afternoon long audition to be the mother of Andy's children. I'm sure Bevin would hold up just as well without a crew of nannies and teachers just on the other side of the camera. And isn't Andy adorable when he's interacting with kindergartners? Let's throw some puppies into the mix. Now how much do you want to be Mrs. Lt. Andy Baldwin?

Taking a break from the fun and games, Andy realizes that there may be a straggler in the Company. He has to bring her along. Of course, after diamonds and shopping, Tessa could have been thinking, "Who needs Andy?" But his strategic vision and flawless tactical execution led to success. "Operation Make Tessa Chase Me": mission accomplished.

Tessa immediately shows signs that the fight has been lit in her: "Oh we're actually drinking the wine you made [with Stephanie]. How precious. Ha, ha, ha." Go Tessa!

Andy underscores the tension of the decision ahead of him. "I'm a Navy Lieutenant, I'm an iron man, I've been through a lot in my life, [I endured hours upon hours in the dental chair for these perfect teeth, for Pete's sake,] but I've never been through anything like this. This is the hardest thing I've ever done."

During the rose ceremony, Bevin indicates she might be bi-polar.
She seemed about 10 seconds away from going postal at all times throughout the whole episode, but the "Going to Seattle, baby!" was beyond joyful and straight into manic territory.

Stephanie Kansas knew she was going home, she can't really have been that surprised. But Tina will be spending the next six months in intensive therapy to overcome the post-traumatic stress syndrome induced by tonight's events. She will be having flashbacks of standing there with that goofy smile pasted to her face for the rest of her life. She and her therapist will spend hours analyzing Andy's cryptic message, "Did he say, 'you're so like me,' or 'you so like me,' or something else entirely? Tina, try to focus so we can move past this and work on getting you out of the sensory deprivation tank."

And the credits scenario ended the show with a wink. A chariots of fire tricycle race set to military music. Loved it.

Can not wait for next week when our Officer and Gentleman gets to meet the fathers. Now there is some good drama. "Nice to meet you, Sir. Is it a problem for you that I am dating three other women in addition to your daughter? " I wish one of them would say, "Good for you, Andy! And you know, she has a sister. How 'bout a beer?"