"I'm a Christian. Can't you tell by these?"

Again, I'm really late with The Bachelor write up. I'm really sorry. I do have a good excuse this time. This week I was busy battling my first post-brain-surgery head cold. Word to the wise: try not to get a head cold for at least a year following skull contact with the business end of a bone-saw. It wasn't fun. Now that the sinus drama is over, let The Bachelor drama ensue...

First let me comment on the brilliant strategy ABC seems to be employing to increase viewership. They are clearly endeavoring to capture the males in viewing households by recruiting sluttier girls. It seems to be working on Terence.

The girls in the first group date couldn't stop playfully slapping each other with those riding crops, and the second group immediately began their string bikini/pole dancer fashion show the minute they heard they were going to the beach with Brad. More on the beach date/Channel J audition in a moment.

First, let's discuss The Fall. The scream sound effect could not have been more fake. But it did underscore the fact that we were in for some high impact melodrama. The stretcher. The medivac. The tears. Let's find out what the Bach thinks. He's been busy at the racetrack with the riding crop girls...

Just a quick pause before bringing Brad into the medical emergency: a timeout for a random drive-by visit from San Diego Charger Line Backer Shawn Phillips. What the $#%@? No attempt to provide context or any sort of explanation for why he's at the racetrack, what interest or relevance he could possibly have to The Bachelor and/or why Brad should listen. I'm puzzled by this non sequitur until I remember the objective to increase male viewership. Slutty girls, bikinis and NFL players. Genius.

Back to the girl in the stretcher. Brad receives a dramatic phone call. He seems unable to place a face with the voice. He tells the other girls, "One of the ladies slipped down the stairs and has a mild concussion." Someone must have held up a cue card off camera because he followed up with quick clarification: "It was Michele. From New Jersey." McCarten is so filled with compassion that she wants to know, "Wait. So she has a concussion and she's able to call you?" That McCarten, she sees what's going on here. Images of Bevin's ankle "injury" propelling her to the final two race through McCarten's mind.

Clever girl, she immediately asks for one-one-one time which interrupts Brad as he scans his memory to try and come up with what in the hell Michele from New Jersey looks like. McCarten plants one on him, which God bless him, Brad admits was awful. And he can't stop laughing as he says so. I am afraid my friend may have been right when she rushed to judgement about Brad's lack of intellectual power, however, his goofiness is starting to grow on me.

Hillary provides some commentary from behind the scenes and it quickly becomes apparent that she's on speed. Or has a serious caffeine addiction. Every other word was "frickin'!" (spelled with an "in' exclamation point"). I hope she gets booted quickly because as a cynical New Yorker, I can't abide by such gratuitous exertion of energy.

I don't know what to say about the bikini fashion show. Ri-DI-cu-lous. (Of course, it was Terry's favorite segment.) While mild-concussion-Michele-from-New-Jersey leaned forward to check out a particular pole dancing outfit, I noticed she must be the same Michele I tagged as needing a colorist in the last rose ceremony (the back of her head was taupe). Once I saw the front it was hard to ignore the stripes. I think she must have gotten one of those do-it-yourself highlight shower cap jobbies. Not a good look. And now that she has that neck injury, I don't think a proper colorist can help her.

On to the beach group date. Underwritten by the producers of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos available by mail order on late night cable.

I can't sum up my reaction to Solisa's shameless body shot ploy any better than Bettina's comment, "Seeing Brad do the body shot off Solisa was really hard for me to watch. I was like, 'Oh my God, I think I'm going to throw up. So gross.'" However, the pure entertainment line of the night was when Solisa then went on to explain to Brad that she's a Christian, and she has strong morals. God made her body, so she's comfortable with it. Later in the night she further demonstrated her strong faith by stripping off her top and going skinny dipping. It was hard to deny... she has a nice set of morals.

Jenni gets the first real kiss. There she goes, fanning the fires again. Hillary-I'm-on-speed thinks Jenni is only here to advance her career. (Career? As a stripper?)

Jenni's comment on her one-on-one time indicates her narrow view of topics available for discussion: "We just talked about everything in the whole wide world." They were upstairs for four minutes. They were kissing for three of them. Quite the conversationalists.

On to the rose ceremony. Aside from the medical drama, reflections of Bevin abound. There is another secret divorce. Looking forward to watching that unfold.

During the table top booty shaking competition, did anyone else notice Michele trying to discretely haul her boob back into her dress? 47 minutes and 25 seconds in for those who wish to review the tape (in line with ABC's male viewership strategy, I'm employing NFL language.)

By far, my favorite line of the evening came from Erin, "I came out here to find true love and I meet this beautiful man and just when my faith in relationships was beginning to be restored, I find myself out in the parking lot." At this point, Terence pointed out that if you're really trying to restore your faith in relationships, you probably shouldn't go on TV and prostrate yourself. (Good job, ABC. Pull them in with bikinis. Keep them guessing with NFL player appearances. Make it impossible for them to turn away with train wreck dialogue.)

Can't wait for next week when we get to witness "The most shocking cocktail party ever." Although there was no indication that bikinis would be involved, even Terence got a kick out of that hyperbole.

By the way, if you stuck around till after the credits, you got to see more slutty antics. But the more interesting insight from this little kitchen conversation was the proof that the scream from Michele's fall down the stairs was indeed a sound effect placed in later. No scream after Solisa's naughty-Brad-slap demonstration, although that's where it occurred when shown earlier in the show. I'm shocked that there would be any dramatization.