Super Twin Power

Having been primed to expect "the most shocking cocktail party ever," I was pretty excited as I settled in for this week's Bachelor.

I was instantly filled with a disoriented feeling, however, when I saw Solisa wearing a shirt. I almost didn't recognize her. But Bachelor antics quickly ensued, and I began to feel comforted by the recurring themes of shameless manipulation and stultifying displays of complete lack of self awareness.

On to the wacky circus group date. Knowing she was in a position of strength after executing a round-off-backhandspring-back tuck (which I used to always do at the beginning of every date in my younger years), Jenni asks a critical question of Brad: "Would you let me stay in Phoenix?" It's very important to her that she get to finish her season as a Phoenix Sun Dancer. Again, Brad demonstrates that unscripted goofiness that I'm really starting to love when he very logically points out, "Well, you're letting me date other people." Hard to argue. Jenni is a very agreeable girlfriend.

Vying for some attention, Stephy talks (too much) about Daddy the triathlete who has really high standards. Please, oh please, let her get a home town date so Brad the bartender has to meet that guy. She can't remember the last time she's been asked out. Oh. Poor Stephy.

Now that Michele shower-cap-highlights-on-taupe is gone, I'm obsessed with McCartens' tan lines. Can we get some bronzing powder? Some tan spray? A non-strapless dress? Is the stylist on vacation or what?

Brad likened the feeling of being at the Circus with all these fine ladies to being "that kid from Titanic." I wasn't sure if he felt like The King of The World, or if he was having premonitions of one of these ladies prying his cold dead fingers off her arm and pushing him to the cold, bottomless sea...

Hillary-I'm-on-amphetamines' peeling scream and immediate speed trip when she found out she got the one-on-one date was enough to rattle anyone to the core, forget someone with titanium in their head. I bravely pressed on.

Not to be outdone, Stephy-daddy's-girl let out a squeal when she got the date rose that prompted a comment from Terence (until that point, busily typing away on his laptop - not paying attention due to the complete lack of bikini wearing and/or NFL celebrity appearances), "She's annoying." Back to typing.

After much primping (and later evidence would suggest, the consumption of some downers to take the edge off those amphetamines) Hillary descends the stairs ready for her one on one date. Dehanna loses that sunny, good girl disposition for a moment to state the obvious, "It wasn't fun watching another girl get a million dollars worth of jewelry thrown on her." The other girls shot daggers from the couch as still-speeding-Hillary bounded out the door.

After a few champagne chasers, the downers kicked in. Hillary spiraled into an "I want to be in love with you for the rest of your living days" speech. God bless him, Brad kept interrupting her. I could see the deer in headlights look in his eyes when he said, "Are you ok?" What he meant was, "Good God, please don't say another word. I'm sure you're capable of ending my living days should I decide not to 'love' you anymore." At this point they've known each other for what - a week? I'm convinced he gave her the rose simply to stop her from crying.

Brad quickly devises a plan to bring Hillary back to manic mode (manic Hillary is more fun than depressive Hillary): ice cream. Did you catch the bartending maneuver with the sundae glass? Very Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

On to the sailing group date. I knew we'd be in for some psycho-Solisa fun. And of course, she couldn't help but get all "Christian" again. She explained the lap dance performed on the aft deck this way: "I think I have a really strong connection with Brad, and we have so much in common. So I kinda like went over and like, started like, shaking my butt really fast 'cause it's the only thing I know how to do." (I'm not kidding - she said that.) Is it coincidence that the next scene was a cannon shooting with Brad yelling, "Fire in the hole!"? That is downright pornographic. But very Christian.

On to the "Most Shocking Cocktail Party Ever." I'm giddy with anticipation. But let me just say - that twin does not look like a twin. Brothers yes. Identical twins no. They don't sound alike either.

Brad ponders, "I'm kind of curious to see who can tell the difference." Well, I'm guessing they all will. Except Solisa. She always seems to be in a position other than face to face when she's around Brad.

Chad (Chad!? Really? Brad and Chad?) wants to know, "What if someone pulls me away and tells me she loves you for the first time." "Let's face it. If she tells you that she loves me, that's a problem." He may be an uneducated bartender, but it's hard to deny that logic.

So, some figure it out, some don't. Setting this up as "The Most Shocking Cocktail Party Ever" may have oversold it.

More shocking was McCarten's dress at the rose ceremony. Chain link bling with chartreuse chiffon. It looked like a 70s prom dress updated with some 80s rapper bling but reinterpreted to be age-appropriate for a mother of the bride trying to look younger than she is.

After a boring rose ceremony, almost without warning, the best line I have EVER heard on Bachelor (granted, it's only my second season) was breathlessly uttered by a freshly ousted Solisa, "I was a little more truthful and honest about who I was. Because he did see the very special parts of me because I wear those special parts on the outside." In most states, there are laws against showing those very special parts, but indeed, Solisa wore them on the outside.

I already miss Solisa...