What's in a label?

Early last week, a sense of urgency overtook me suddenly. I had a long project list, and it became crushingly clear that I could not possibly accomplish all my planned tasks in the time I had remaining. Too much Dr. Phil. Some of the things I did not get to:

• Order a wedding album (In September I will have been married for 8 years, and I have yet to order a single picture. Every once in a while sheer panic grips my soul in the middle of the night, and I call my photographer the very next day to make sure she hasn't moved. By the way - we paid for the album 8 years ago.)


• Get a pair of suit pants I bought last April tailored at the dry cleaner on my corner


• Update my resume (note to employers and Clients: I have no intention of going anywhere, trust me. I just think it's responsible to keep it updated before you forget what you've accomplished)


• Clean out my email in box


• Reorganize my linen closet


• Get three aboriginal paintings framed - I purchased them at a gallery opening at least a year ago. They've been rolled up inside my linen closet ever since.


• Get the locks on my front doors changed

With the remaining hours of my medical leave quickly seeping through my fingers, I panicked. I had to accomplish something fast. I chose a job that would bring disproportionate satisfaction, although it could not be completed alone.

After riding his bicycle home from work as he does most days, Terry had not even put his knapsack down when I pounced, "Would you kill or maim me if I asked you to help me move all the leftover paint from the bedroom renovation project into the storage cube downstairs right now?" God love him, he replied with no hesitation, "I will not kill or maim you. I'm already sweaty - might as well just do it." (Having been in similar situations many times, he knows resistance is futile. Still, he's a saint.)

After two elevator trips to the cube and removal of everything in the storage area blocking access to the plastic tub at the very bottom (already half full of leftover tile, paint and grout for theoretical future patch jobs), I realized we didn't have a marker. "Terence, you have to wait - I have to get something so we can label these cans." Patience just about worn out, "Not now." Unassuaged, "If we don't do it now we never will, and then we might as well not keep this paint at all." Voice tight as a drum, "Ok. Go get a marker." I ran.

Minutes later, sitting on a Coleman camping stove with Sharpie in hand, I silently pondered what to write. After several quiet minutes, I voiced my concerns, "Terence, do you think it's pretentious if I label this can Master Bedroom? Our bedroom is no different from the second bedroom. It's not like it's any bigger or we have a bathroom inside. The bathroom is in the hall. Should I call it Joan and Terry's bedroom? That seems kind of strange. Like maybe there are other people living in our apartment too."

Terence got that look. I've seen it many times. It's a subtly combined flash of terror, amusement and resignation that seems to say, "I've married an insane person. What to do?"

His response was so lucid and it instantly told me I had to go back to work whether I felt ready or not, "Exactly who are you worried will think your label on an old paint can in a plastic tub at the bottom of our locked storage cube in the basement is pretentious?"

PS: I went with quotation marks to acknowledge the conceit: "Master" Bedroom

I'm back

Guess what was at the register when I got to the front of the line at Starbucks this morning? A grande latte. MY grande latte.

I said to the cashier with a hint of astonishment, "Is that mine?" He replied, "Yes. I think someone back there knows you."

I felt so smug as I sailed by the caffeine junkies gathered around the pick-up bar waiting for their fix. Amateurs.

Why is this day important?

It's an historic day. Today is the day Tony Blair hands his resignation letter to the Queen. Perhaps more importantly, this day also marks the occasion of my birth. I'm happy to be putting 35 behind me, and I plan to squeeze every drop out of 36.

While still in the thick of the recovery phase, I got so bored one day that I did a search to find out what other occurances coincide with my birthday. I found some ironic twists. Apparently Hellen Keller and I share the same birthday. Anyone who knows me is aware of how blind I am without my contact lenses (I once toured the Acuvue factory in Jacksonville, FL and they informed me my scrip is extremely rare. They hardly ever run it), and now I'm half deaf. Terry is thinking, if only I would occasionally adopt the mute thing, his life would be so much more serene. Ideally he could have a "mute button" for me which he would use for those times when I go into hyper organization mode.

Anyway, taking the coincidence further, I recently had occasion to look back at my high school senior yearbook and was reminded that I used a Helen Keller quote as my parting mantra. "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart." What a naive sap! I now know: forget the heart, the most important things can only be seen by an MRI with contrast.

Below are the other occasions this day marks. An odd collection. I plan to fully partake in Special Recreation for Disabled Day, aka, Joan Voltz Day. Upon hearing news of my surgery a friend offered to buy me a beer drinking helmut (thanks, WW). I may wear it all day.

Helen Keller's Birthday

Captain Kangaroo's Birthday

Sunglasses Day

Special Recreation for Disabled Day

National Orange Blossom Day

National Columnists Day

Decide to Be Married Day (are they kidding me with this one!?)

"Happy Birthday To You" Day

National HIV Testing Day

I ordered this?

I went to Fatty Crab for dinner with Terry the other night. It's a Meat Packing District place, so of course, our waiter was an out-of-work-actor-Ashton-Kutcher-wannabe with no evident knack for hospitality services, and the music was too loud (I sound like I'm 107 years old).

Ashton told us the specials and I could only hear every other word of his description of the appetizer du jour. From what I did hear, I knew it involved pork and beef and some manner of sauce. Fatty Crab being an Asian place (think an updated version of the old Saigon Grill), I'm envisioning an approximation of satay. I say, "Sounds good."

Do you know what the appetizer was? Mini hamburgers. We're in an Asian fusion place and I order mini hamburgers. Perfect.

I need to take a lip reading course. Stat.

(PS: I got in a debate with Terence on the way home about whether the mini hamburgers were off-Brand or not. I say yes, although I acknowledge the hipsters that frequent the place would buy them by the dozen at 2 am. Still, I ask you, would you expect mini hamburgers to go along with this menu? I'm just saying.)

F&#$ing hilarious ad

It's a living

I'm back at work. It's a little jarring, frankly, and now I'm home feeling a tad shell-shocked at the end of a long day. But I'm happy to see some semblance of normalcy gathering on the horizon (or are those storm clouds?)

The only disappointing thing today was the discovery that the entire staff at the Starbucks downstairs has turned over. I now have to retrain a completely new crew to have my grande latte ready by the time I get to the front of the line. Do you know how long it takes to do that? A very long time. There are always new folks folding in to the mix, but once you get that machine up and running, the new folks catch on quick. Now I have to start from square one.

Speaking of catching on, it seems an appropriate time to share some of the things I learned during my three month hibernation:

1. Brain tumors really suck. Truly.
2. People are compassionate by nature.
3. The Stick Up Bulb is awesome.
4. My cleaning lady is an ambitious entrepreneur, a Jehovah's Witness and does not particularly like my building Super.
5. I have chosen friends really, really well.
6. My husband will never divorce me, and he responds to tough situations with humor and patience.
7. The pull out bed in my living room couch is exceptionally comfortable.
8. If I had all the free time in the world, I would not re-read all the Shakespeare plays. I would read TMZ.
9. My health is more fragile than I realized, and it's completely worth guarding with diligence.
10. The ladies on The View are surprisingly knowledgeable.
11. Dr. Phil is surprisingly entertaining.
12. The hallway carpets in my building get vacuumed twice a week and the mail gets delivered at 3:00 ish.
13. There is an invisible population of handicapped and sick people in Manhattan that only comes out during the day when the rest of us are at work. Some of them are compromised not for three months, but for years and maybe for the rest of their life. They deserve respect for their perseverance and courage.
14. White paint comes in a dizzying array of shades.
15. The skin around my eyes doesn't sag because I don't get enough sleep - it sags because I'm getting old.
16. I am gutsier than I thought.
17. It's never too late to write a thank you note.
18. My metabolism is not super-human after all. After sitting on the couch for three months, guess what? My clothes no longer fit.

I'm sure the next three months will bring a whole new set of insights. The one I'm really interested in figuring out: how can I get Google to give me a million dollars for this blog?

Happy summer solstice (and three month anniversary)

I took an extensive (and I'm sure my insurance company will soon find out, expensive) hearing test earlier in the week and found out that I'm half deaf. Go figure. The audiologist, God bless her cotton socks, was obviously upset that she had to confirm this news for me. It was so sweet. I'm sure she's used to delivery of such information being perceived as a devastating blow, but I assured her I had known for months. They told me in the OR and it's been confirmed with every experience since.

During the hearing test, I experienced the strange phenomenon that would eventually allow that "snap" device to work. Small tone-emitting tubes were inserted directly into my ear canal. While testing my right (deaf) ear, they had to pipe static noises into my left ear to "distract" it from hearing the tones on the side they were trying to measure. I guess I was either hearing the noise through the inside of my head, or the sound was making my bone vibrate so I could hear the reverberation. Next they put a device against the bone at the base of my head behind my deaf ear and deliberately tested my "bone resonance". When they vibrated that half-the-size-of-a-dime thing at different frequencies, I could hear varying tones in the (hearing) ear on the other side. Bizarre. No sign of XM Satellite in this initial test.

Once I get a little more into the swing of things, I will test out a trial version of the snap. I can wear a transmitter on a headband of sorts for a couple of days to experience what I would hear. If it seems worth it to me, then I could go for the more permanent version ala skull snap. My neurotologist would perform the surgery in the same hospital where I had my tumor removed - although the recovery is no big deal. It's not likely that I would even be admitted to the hospital, and I think I'd be back to a normal routine within days.

My doctor said that some neurosurgeons/neurotologists actually go ahead and insert the anchor for the snap thing during the initial tumor resection surgery. He doesn't like to do that for two reasons:
1. he doesn't believe it's ethical in a case like mine because I have to make an informed decision and consent to the surgery once I know I'm deaf. Why charge the insurance company for something I might not want?
2. the risk of brain infection is SO high (visual: my doctor wildly waving his arms for dramatic effect) in acoustic neuroma patients that he doesn't like to throw any additional complications into the mix. Ok, reason #2 gave me pause. I was certainly warned of the risks, but it was never underscored with such flair (or it's possible I was just denying the drama). Easier to hear it expressed that way when you're looking through the rear view mirror, I suppose.

My doc thinks I'm a great candidate for the snap and seems to be encouraging that route. For an older, perhaps retired individual it may not be worth it, he advised. But for a "high functioning person like you, it could make a big difference." He thinks I'm high functioning. He hasn't seen this blog.

Before my appointment I was (only slightly) worried because I've noticed a bit of a decline over the past three weeks or so. Doc Roland confirmed that's all normal as nerves regenerate (and cause pain) and as I am more active. I guess I was holding three months as some magic milestone that would abruptly bring the end of all balance and pain issues. Not so much. To alleviate frustration, I just think back to a month ago and remember that I really have made amazing progress.

I also saw a dermatologist this week to find out if there is anything he can do about a bald spot I now have gracing my hairline. It's barely noticeable, but it drives me crazy. It resulted from pressure wounds caused by too-tight post surgical head dressings (mmmm. cozy.). He said, well, I can give you a cortisone shot into your scalp and we'll see if that works. I thought, "Well, if your needle is smaller than a bone saw, I've had worse. Bring it on."

To make a long story short out of all these doc appointments, I have been cleared to go back to work tomorrow. I'm really happy to think of going back to my normal life. I'm sure I'll find it a little depressing at first as I notice all the ways it's not the same, but I will also be more grateful than ever for the small pleasures like Starbucks everywhere I turn and easy access to the bacon-turkey-cheddar melt at Cosi.

Onward...

Do we think he's running?

If you haven't already heard, New York's Mayor Bloomberg changed his party affiliation today. He has forsaken the Republicans, clearing the way for a Presidential run as an Independent. He certainly has the personal fortune to fund a campaign. Personally, I would love to see him cut through the crap on The Hill with the same disdain and chutzpah he's used to deal with NYC's bureaucracy.

As New Yorkers will understand, no matter how much money you have to burn on drivers, sometimes the subway is just faster. Bloomberg reportedly takes the subway to work every day - something he and I will have in common starting on Thursday!! :)

Retail Therapy

I went shopping with a friend a few days ago in preparation for my return to work. Motivated by the possibility of new couture, I put on something other than yoga pants and got on the subway by myself for the first time. It made me feel so normal to be amongst the living for a few hours. Although, I was shocked to see all the racks at Bloomies stocked with the Fall lines. I missed two entire seasons! The good news: the sale racks look totally fresh to me.

I bought four dresses that I absolutely love and then stopped in Stuart Weitzman on the way home for some below the ankle adornment. Thank God they didn't have my size in the right color, because I nearly bought the most ridiculous shoes a balance-challenged girl could possibly contemplate (I now realize this was crazy, but it was a moment of sale induced temporary insanity):

If you're in a shopping mood, there's a really good sale going on at Saks. Thanks, ES.

Designer Sale

Saks: Further Reductions on Designer Goods -- Now an Extra 33% Off

An exclusive online sale has begun for the second cut designer sale at Saks Fifth Avenue, further reducing designer offerings to now range between 50%-60% off. The sale is going on now online, and starts in stores on June 20th. Save on Valentino Red, Isabella Fiore handbags, Dolce & Gabbana, and more! Sales of this caliber at Saks don't happen frequently ....

An-"gel-of-a" US Open

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Congratulations to Angel Cabrera - the victor of Sunday's 107th U.S. Open Golf Championship played at the Oakmont Country Club in Oakmont, Pennsylvania. Angel (pron: on-hell) is the first Argentine to win the prestigious title ever, and the first Argentine to win a major in 40 years. I love that the first two majors of the year have each been won by guys no has ever heard of (Zach Johnson won the Masters back in April).

It was SUCH an exciting finish. My favorite moment was when Roger Maltbie informed a freshly beaten Tiger, just to the side of the 18th green: "We were all talking about it, and to our recollection, you never made more than a 12 foot putt during the entire course of this championship. True?" I really wanted Tiger to say, "That may be true, Roger. But have you seen my wife?"


Terry called a great celebrity look-a-like for our latest Major Champion: Alfred Molina (Spiderman, Dr. Otto Octavius)

Angel Cabrera

Alfred Molina

Did watching the Open make you want to play in a tournament? Sign up for The Fifth Annual Bud Traynor Classic.

Made for a Corona ad

I had a really long dream with my dad in it this morning. I love when that happens. I think it may have been a Father's Day visit.

Speaking of Father's Day, if you still don't have a gift, find a place that sells Reef flip flops. How perfect are these?

Kind of like me, these flip flops have a bottle opener built into their sole (read: soul):


Buy them here.
Men's version

More practical (or less, depending on your lifestyle), these come with a compartment for carrying keys, credit cards, cash. How "Get Smart".


Buy them here.

Shameless promotion

Still need a gift for Dad? Does he golf? Has he always wanted to play Bethpage but was never willing to get up at the crack of dawn to get a start time? Think he'd enjoy an excuse to take a long weekend in August?

If you answered yes to any of the above, consider reserving a spot for your Dad (and one, two or three of his friends?) in the tournament named for my Dad.

Check out some pictures from our past tournaments. If you think it looks fun, sign Dad up.

For that matter, sign yourself up. Who wouldn't want to play hooky for a day for this? (Did I mention the beer carts? Oh, yea. And the money goes to cancer research) ...

Hearing nothing vs. hearing nothing

I had back to back experiences yesterday that highlighted the ying and yang of my hearing issues just perfectly.

1. Hearing nothing

I trekked out to RadioShack to purchase my new favorite items. When the sales associate stepped over to his computer to help figure out which igo tips I would need, he fell on my deaf side. So I didn't hear him while he repeated with increasing volume, "Excuse me, miss, which Blackberry do you have? Miss? Excuse me, Miss? Hello? Ma'am?" Other customers had begun to stare by the time I heard him. By now, of course, he already thinks I'm some crazy, vacant ditz who, in fact, may even be drunk. I didn't help matters when I emphatically told him how upset I was by the complicated tangle of chargers that was slowly taking over the apartment. He laughed and said, "Um, you're getting a little red as you're talking about it. Are you ok? You're kind of scary right now." (Only my husband understands the depth of my desperate need for obsessive organization.)

2. Hearing nothing

On my way home I passed a cute clothing store. Since I'm going back to work late next week (assuming the docs clear me during my appointments), I felt justified in indulging in a little retail therapy. A sales girl was helping me collect the items I wanted to try on and hung them in a dressing room for me while I shopped. She hovered (at an appropriate distance) while I scanned the racks. There was some pretty loud music playing in the store, and the sounds were definitely swirling in my head. On at least a dozen occasions, I could swear that sales girl was speaking to me. She wasn't. Nonetheless, I kept abruptly swinging around and staring intently at her mouth. I startled her more than once, and that "appropriate distance" kept getting more and more, shall we say, appropriate.

If the girl in the boutique knows the guy at RadioShack, I will most definitely be banned from both stores. I laughed all the way home while listening to my now stereo to mono nano.

Here's a pic of the top I bought (I'm thinking leggings and ballet flats):

A better life through RadioShack

Normally Terence is the gadget head in this household, but these are my two new favorite things:


Check out the thing that makes all the sound come through one ear piece instead of two on my nano






Because of this amazing thing, I can throw out the shopping bag of chargers currently making me crazy in my post surgical "nesting" mode. Check it out.

Shopping Therapy

If all goes well at my doctors appointments next week, I'll be headed back to work next Thursday. Realizing I'll have to start wearing something other than yoga pants every day is putting me in a shopping frame of mind. I anticipate some plastic flexing in my immediate future.

FYI, here are some sales going on in New York this week:

NYC Designer Sales: June 12 - 20

Update: upon seeing this post, a friend passed along an amazing site that posts all kinds of bargains, sales, coupons, etc. all in one place. If you didn't already know about it, check it out (there are some notables on there right now including Saks and Bloomies):

her.dealnews.com

Still here!

I've gotten a lot of emails expressing concern since I haven't posted in a while. Thanks for worrying, guys - I'm completely fine!

I was away from my computer for a few days because I was in my home town for the weekend visiting with a group of my closest friends from high school. We have an annual weekend every summer hosted by one of us. This year was local (Port Washington), so I was able to go. We did a lot of reminiscing including a reenactment of the picture we placed in the ad section of our senior year book (poster size of the original is at the base of the stairs).


I personally believe the last two decades have been exceptionally kind to all of us. With age we've gained the valuable wisdom that electric blue eyeliner and frosted pink lipstick are not flattering. Having said that, we did agree that we may have been on to something with those bannana clips. The long haired amongst us may try to bring them back.


It was so much fun - and worth every minute of the resulting recuperative down time required by a serious case of sensory overload. I have been asleep on the couch nursing a headache since Sunday, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Thanks, girls! Can't wait for next year...

Wedding season

I remember a time in my life when most of the weekends between Memorial Day and Labor Day came with at least one and sometimes three weddings to attend. I know it sounds rude, but something about that marathon debt-inducing pace left less room for joy. Now that I'm (long) past that certain age, those carefully calligraphied envelopes bring a greater thrill when I find them in my mailbox.

One of the things I find most fun about weddings these days is the liberation that comes with knowing I will never have to plan another one. First of all, I intend to stay married to Terry. If I don't for some awful reason, then I will definitely marry for money the second time around, and I will pay someone handsomely to plan the next one.

My particular attitude may be why I got such a kick out of this view of wedding planning gone awry in The New Yorker. Some of the embedded links are hilarious. Check it out:

Share Our Joy

Cool

Completely at odds with my recent desire to purge our apartment of chargers, I kinda want this ridiculous thing. It's a Bluetooth enabled laser keyboard. It projects on any flat surface and you can type away to compose email, etc. Imagine how powerful I'd be with this and a snap on my head.



Find it on ThinkGeek (notice their logo. Could that be why I want this?)

Welcome, Barry

This installation by Zeger Reyers makes plates look like storm clouds. Captures the mood in NYC today. No?


link to where I found it