Movie Review: Thank You For Smoking

Thank You For Smoking is a hilariously dark satire of the marketing world shown through the eyes of Big Tobacco. It makes you laugh out loud at things you know you shouldn't find funny, and by the end both Terry and I were questioning the societal value of our meaningless jobs. We spend a lot of time thinking of new ways to make people buy things they don't really need. (Upon further reflection, we realized the bank that holds our mortgage appreciates what we do).

The "villain," Nick Taylor, is completely likable and I was in his corner while he extolled the glamor of smoking and even as he taught his young son about the virtues of "moral flexibility."

In my opinion, JK Simmons (aka Skoda from Law & Order) absolutely stole the show as the hardened cigarette executive leading the charge with quips like:

"We don't sell tic tacs for C#$%# sake. We sell cigarettes. They're cool. And available. And addictive. The job is almost done for us."

"Slam your f#$%ing brains against your desks until something useful comes out."

"What we need is a role model."
"Indiana Jones meets Jerry Macguire."
"Yeah. On two packs a day."

Rent it. It will crack you up.

Yeee-haaaw!

I can not tell you how much I loved The Dukes of Hazard when I was 10. My family frequently went out to dinner on Friday nights after a long week of work and school. While my parents leisurely finished their coffee and dessert, my brother and I would be squirming in our seats and begging, "Pleeeeeaaaaase can't we leave now? The Dukes are on in 20 minutes!"

I was in love with Bo Duke. I thought Daisey Duke was the coolest. I thought Boss Hog was the meanest. I never questioned how Hazzard County, a small backwater place in the middle of nowhere, became the crime capital of the world.

Well, if you felt the way I did, and you have a spare half million sitting around, you could be straight'nin' the curve, and flat'nin' the hills while you run your errands in the original TV version General Lee. It's for sale on ebay. Check it out:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&viewitem=&item=250108256198


My dad could have got us home in 20 minutes in that thing. (Of course, I'm not sure my mom would have agreed to slide in the window.)

Fashion: the highs and lows

I am just not sure the new high waist for Spring is flattering. I mean, if it doesn't look good on Mischa or Jessica, then whom?




















Of course, I felt exactly the same way when low riders came out. I thought they were so ugly and I'd never wear them. Soon enough, my whole dresser was full of them. I'm really not an "innovator," more like an "early adopter." Of course, by the time I'm able to partake in retail therapy everyone in America will have a pair of these.

Speaking of low riders, I had never heard this one before, so in case you haven't either, I'll pass on a funny term a friend clued me into. We've all seen those poor teenage girls shamelessly walking around literally spilling over their jeans. They haven't yet learned that not all trends will work on every body type. You have to pick and choose, girls. Well, now when you see those poor misguided fashion victims, I defy you to not remember this perfect description for the overflow: muffin tops.Here is how I know I am woefully behind the curve on this one. William Safire wrote a column on "Muffin Tops" in 2005. Where have I been!?

August 28, 2005

Muffin-Top

By WILLIAM SAFIRE

The fashion world is a fecund, fruitful and fertile source of metaphoric phrases. (Funny, that all these synonyms for ''productive'' begin with f.) In 1999, an outbreak of bare midsections in the fashion world led this department to a midriff riff: I expressed my preference for the informal term bellybutton to be written as a single word, on the analogy of bellyache; this stand was opposed by a legion of navel-gazers who preferred a two-word usage, on the analogy of belly dancer. The dispute has never been resolved.

We now turn to a related locution spawned by the sight of as much as three to six inches of stomach bulging out below a short blouse and above hip-clinging ''low-rise'' jeans.

When the wearer's abdomen is flat, a display of flesh above and well below the bellybutton produces an eye-catching picture of what The Scotsman in Britain has called ''the Britney belly-flash.'' However, when the wearer's midriff is flabby, a vivid culinary metaphor is used: muffin-top. As every baker knows, a muffin is a small cake that rises above its metal container. When removed from the pan, its shape is round, with the top hanging over the base of the cake like a small, harmless mushroom cloud.

''Muffin-Top Mayhem!'' was the headline in The New York Daily News this summer, atop a picture of a woman whose midriff was overhanging her belt. The unfortunate loser of this battle of the bulge was said by the writer, Mark Ellwood, to be called a muffin-top. He defined the display as ''the unsightly roll of flesh that spills over the waist of a pair of too-tight pants.'' The locution is not sexist: a male actor, usually characterized as a ''screen hunk,'' photographed in such a state is called a stud-muffin-top. (I am indebted to Ann Wort of Washington for this citation.)

Rarely can slang lexicographers find ''first use'' of such a phrase, but blogging helps: coinage is claimed by a Netizen named Dyske Suematsu, who proudly informs the Internet set of having sent the compound noun to www.pseudodictionary.com in May 2003.

Anatomically, muffin-top fills a lexical void. Nearest to a synonym (with over 150,000 Google hits) is love handles, a jocularly euphemistic neologism of the late 60's, defined in the Historical Dictionary of American Slang as ''a bulge of fat at the side of the waist.'' But the love handles (usually plural) are exclusively on or above the hips; the muffin-top describes the roll of excess flesh spilling out primarily in front but possibly all around.

Five Week Status Report

The Five Week Status Report would look a lot like the Four Week Status Report. Instead of more boring details about exactly how many city blocks I can walk now, I thought I'd use this week's post to provide more boring details about this whole single sided hearing/single sided deafness business (I've seen it referred to both ways - but SSD seems more common. The glass half full/half empty debate rages on). A lot of you have expressed curiosity, so here's what I know so far.

As it turns out, SSD is not really that uncommon. In fact, many of you have already told me about other people you know personally who are deaf on one side. In the US, about 60,000 people per year become afflicted. It can have many causes such as viral infections, Meniere’s disease, trauma, measles, chicken pox or, as in my case, through surgical intervention.

The reality of being deaf on one side is very different from what I imagined it would be. I thought I would still hear everything, but maybe just a little lower on the old volume. The issues are a bit more complex.

First of all, there is a range of sound that occurs on my right side that I simply can't hear due to a phenomenon called the "head shadow effect." A creepy name. A friend articulated it better: "Oh, it's like an eclipse." Exactly. My head has become an object that literally blocks certain sound waves that originate on my deaf side from ever being perceived by my hearing side. Surgery has made me more obtuse than ever.

Secondly, the world has become a giant ventriloquist act to me. I have a lot of trouble determining the location from which a noise originates. If someone drops a book across the room on my right, I may reflexively turn to my left. I've become like a crazy person who constantly cocks their head to imagined noises saying, "Did you hear that?!" I keep thinking birds chirping outside my window are mice inside the apartment. Crazy person.

I also have a lot of trouble with multiple noise input. First of all, it just makes my head pound. I think that's a short term issue. But the likely long term effect is that I can't "prioritize." So if the TV is on and someone is speaking to me at the same time, I can't hear what they're saying. I am not able to prioritize the noise that I want to hear from another noise that I want to tune out. Conversations in a restaurant, for example, would be very difficult. Giant cacophony. (cute name for a cafe. no?) Note to those with knowledge of broadcast production: think of it as a completely fokakta mix with zero ability for adjustment.

According to all the depressing literature, people with SSD can experience issues with things like "crossing the street, bicycling or driving a car and may also have problems in group situations like business meetings, restaurants or cocktail parties." So as long as I always cross with the light and am satisfied with drinking alone, I'll be fine. In other words, my life won't change ;)

Time will tell how I cope with these issues and how debilitating they are in my particular case. If it seems advantageous, there are some remedies available to me thanks to modern technology. This is where that snap comes in. As mentioned in some previous posts, there is a device called a Baha that could be placed on my deaf side behind the ear via a snap implanted in the skull. It transfers sound through bone conduction, stimulating the cochlea in the normal hearing ear. Click this link to see an animated diagram that helps visualize this phenomenon:

http://www.entific.com/directBoneConduction.asp

(A quick side note. This diagram helps clear up another point a lot of people have found confusing. When you look at this, it's a little easier to understand why they had to cut through two bones to remove my tumor. This diagram is a cross section from the rear perspective. Those are the backs of someone's ears. First they cut a flap in the back of my skull, which is not shown in the picture. Then they moved my brain stem over revealing the skull base in the middle of my head. Then they sawed into that skull base to get inside the canal that houses my auditory nerve. My tumor had already bulbed out into my cranium, but they had to remove it from the source so as not to trash all the other nerves that run through that canal.)

The Baha device itself is wireless and apparently they are working on an updated model that would be Bluetooth enabled. I am 100% not kidding - I'd be able to pipe in my ipod or the TV directly to my head. I'm looking into whether I'd be able to host conference calls.

So let's just get to the source of all the curiosity. The snap. I mean, would I really have a snap on my head!? It sounds like a science fiction novel. Well, seeing is believing. Are you ready for a picture of the snap? I don't know if you're ready. I don't know if any of us could ever be ready, but here it is:



I will be hosting a Bluetooth enabled conference call in the future. The topic: Peripheral Snap Accessory Brainstorm Session/Things That Would Be Useful to Have Snapped To My Head. You'll all be invited and I'll send call in details. In the meantime, here are some thought starters:

• A cupholder
• A GPS system
• An Amex Xpress Pay - I can just swipe my head for payment
• A wrap around rear view mirror
• A head dust ruffle (would require another snap on my hearing side, but could add flair to drab outfits)
• A badge/ID holder - similar to Amex Xpress pay, head swipe for entry
• A bottle opener

I'm also going to look into whether I can use this for future face lifts. I could just have the bags under my eyes snapped back.

Other thoughts welcome.

It's True

Rosie's leaving. Just watched her announcement on the show. Chalked up to failed contract negotiations. They went to GREAT (too great?) lengths to clarify that Rosie was not being kicked out. In fact, they wanted her to sign a three year deal, she only wanted one. It went back and forth. Babs made it clear it wasn't her doing. She had no part in the negotiations. It was between Rosie's reps and ABC TV. Blah, blah, blah...

Rosie will stay through the end of her contract in June and then she'll still be on the show from time to time as a "guest host".

They have not thought about replacements yet because they were hoping she was coming back (don't they realize we know this is an outright lie?) Donald Trump might be available - does anyone still watch The Apprentice?

Tomorrow's Post Headline?

It could be "Fat Lady Sings".

Apparently Rosie O'Donnell is going to announce today that she is leaving "The View".

I know that was a cheap fat joke, but come on, very New York Post.

JRM in rehab

I'm so sorry to say it, but our favorite Corker seems to have a problem with the drink. The girlfriend beating rumors become more believable, I'm afraid...


Jonathan Rhys Meyers, star of Showtime's The Tudors, has entered a rehab facility.

"After a non-stop succession of filming, Jonathan Rhys Meyers has entered an alcohol-treatment program," rep Meredith O'Sullivan says. "He felt a break was needed to maintain his recovery."

The 29-year-old actor, who costarred with Scarlett Johansson in Woody Allen's Match Point last year, plays Henry VIII in The Tudors, which premiered on April 1, and recently finished filming the drama August Rush with Keri Russell, Terrence Howard and Robin Williams.

Meyers's rep adds: "Jonathan plans to resume his schedule following completion."


Bricks and Stones......may break my bones but names will never hurt me!: Jonathan Rhys Meyers Checks Into Rehab

Ta-hos

First of all, I found this episode depressing. For obvious reasons, this is the first year the Voltzes didn't take a ski trip out west in I don't know how long - 10 years, maybe. That annual trip is one of my favorite things. Scenes of Tahoe were a bit of a stab. Ok, boo-hoo. Poor me. Let's get to the snide commentary...

Did you notice Amber's Gollum leaps from bed to bed upon the news that they were all going to Tahoe with Andy? What would she have done if it was Paris? I shudder to think.

Stop the clowning around, Amber! We may not have a drill Sergeant to whip our butts, but this episode is not about fun and games. It is time for some good old fashioned junior high quality melt-down drama. Tonight there will be tears. And lots of them. So get packed, dammit.

Honestly, Bevin's melodrama over her sprained ankle was just over the top. Snap out of it, Bev. It could be worse - TRUST me ;) Most guys would be running the other way. But good old Andy was like a moth to flame. "Do you feel what I do? That electricity when I touch you?"

The ladies start to notice the fact that Andy likes to rescue damsels in distress, so they all start having breakdowns one by one. Andy - still think this is fun?

But Bevin's first to market advantage wins the day and she snags the Special Quality Time. I almost died when I saw Andy carrying her down the hall. I'm sorry - this has gone too far. She was walking through the Casino on those high heeled strappy sandals just fine, thank you. Anyway, time for some bonding. Andy and Bevin breathlessly admitting to each other that they're both nerds was priceless. Andy could have said, "You know, I'm a cannibal," and Bevin would have said, "Oh, me too. I'm totally a cannibal." And did anyone else think Andy was slurring his words? Particularly during the million dollar: "You know what? You're my sanctuary." It was the martinis talking, and I was MOR-TI-FIED!!

The girls on the ski date definitely drew the short straws. Is it harder to look good in a cocktail dress while sipping mojitos and blowing on dice or while covered in fourteen layers of thinsulate and a goofy hat while trying to wipe your runny nose? Also, odds are if you take any group of girls of that number, at least ONE of them is going to know how to ski. You can't tell me they didn't purposely select the guest list for this date based on utter lack of skiing experience. Camera pans to Andy the ski instructor as he flashes his freshly veneered smile.

Be it in a mud bath or a ski slope, that Stephanie-pole-dancer never ceases the conniving. I don't think she even needed to verbalize what we all knew from day one, but it was fun to hear: "I am not here to make friends and be in a sorority house. I will definitely throw another girl under the bus if I feel like she's going to cause trouble for me." A reminder: she's an organ donor coordinator. I think her specific role is to rip out the hearts with her bare hands.

Andy expresses concern when discussing the emotional brew pot being stirred on a nightly basis. "It's really hard. I see women developing feelings. Jealousy is such a rampant beast." ANDY, BE NOT CONCERNED. This is the entire premise of the show. Things are going exactly according to plan.

When Andy selected Tina for the special quality time, we saw more of that pathetic lack of self esteem. She had this expression like, "Who, ME!? Oh, you can't possibly mean me." Then on the gondola, Andy tries to be her life coach and has to lie to boost her up: "What I really like about you is that you are true to yourself. You're not going to put on a show." No show!? Three words: Star Spangled Banner. When he told her she's doing "A really great job. A good job," I thought I saw him fight the urge to pat her on the head. But then Tina, erupting with passion, explains her objective for the special quality time: "I wanted to move past the gossip and expand on topics that I wanted to talk to him about." There is just something not right with that girl.

I don't have much to say about the one-on-one date, but I will admit - I go back and forth on whether I love Lt Andy Baldwin or hate Lt Andy Baldwin. The fact that he believes cheese fondue is an essential part to a romantic date shows me we could be compatible.

Moving on to the most dramatic part of the evening. Three girls are getting the boot, and the tension in the air is palpable.

Of course, Pole Dancer turns out to be her own worst enemy. Indeed, she threw someone under the bus. Let me assure you - that was not her worst crime. That rag she wore to the rose ceremony was scandalous. And there is no way you can convince me she was not sporting at least half a roll of tape under that thing. She was defying gravity. Other fave pole dancer moments: when she described the relationship between her and Andy as nurturing and the come hither wink as he began to give out the roses. Sorry, honey. Not this time.

I notice Bevin's limp was mysteriously missing when she pole vaulted over all the other girls to get her rose.

And all of a sudden, I was so sorry to see Kate go. I never even noticed her before tonight, but she was great in this episode. She had no intention of marrying Andy, she just wanted to hang around in the beautiful mansion and party. She had nothing to lose, she was on to every one's game, so she just kept saying it like it was. I wish Andy had kept her around as a mole. He could use one. (Obviously, I don't mean the kind littering Pole Dancer's face.)

And I know I thought Nicole was really cute, but that breakdown at the end was hysterical. It just came out of nowhere and she could not control herself! I mean, did she exchange any words with the doc during the entire episode? Why is she so inconsolable?

God bless the exit interviews where the departing girls get to be filmed in their full humiliation. Did anyone notice Stephanie pole dancer's expression when she said that when you care for someone you want them to be happy? Right as she said "happy" her face flinched and I swear I had a flash of her holding a kitchen knife over a bloody cadaver. I think Andy should watch his back. He may find himself on the organ donor list shortly.

Can't wait for next week when Lt Andy Baldwin selects a girl who's family he wants to meet. Oh, PLEASE, please let it be Tina. That kind of psycho doesn't just spring out of nowhere. Her parents must be coo-coo for coco puffs. That meeting would be hilarious.

Weekly Absurd-o-Meter

Of course I knew Nadia taking over CTU would have to make the Absurd-o-Meter. As soon as that happened I said, "Oh come on. As though a 23 year old is qualified to run CTU." Terence rightfully pointed out that in terms of hotness she is over qualified. Good point. Get going, Buchanan.

Enjoy this week's installment from New York Magazine.

The ‘24’ Absurd-o-Meter: It's a Scheming Bureaucrat's Prerogative to Change His Mind

In Daily Intel's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. Two weeks ago, the season's plot pivoted, with Jack finally catching and killing Fayed and then, moments later, receiving a conveniently timed phone call from Chinese nemesis Cheng, who revealed he's holding Audrey Raines. In last night's episode, the characters pivot along with the plot, conveniently forgetting everything they believed in and fought for just a few hours earlier.

4. Lennox will do everything possible to get rid of Karen, or else he'll do whatever he can to keep her around. Just this morning, back before Tom Lennox was held prisoner by his chief of staff, before he planted a secret recording device to entrap Vice-President Daniels, before President Palmer was gravely injured then miraculously recovered then was gravely injured again, Karen Hayes was the only person who stood between Lennox and his plans of Muslim-American incarceration. So he plotted to force Karen to resign, which she'd gladly do to protect her beloved husband, Bill Buchanan. A few hours later, the secret information that will bring down either Bill or Karen — which, we're now told, doesn't actually reveal that either one did anything wrong — resurfaces, and there are no questions. Tom will work with Karen to keep her around, and Karen's happy to cut Bill loose. Absurdity factor: 4

3. Power remains the greatest aphrodisiac. You thought Daniels was pulling all those power-grubbing machinations — invoking the 25th amendment, conspiring to perjure himself to the Supreme Court, presumably rubbing his hands with glee with Palmer collapsed in the press room — just so he could be president? Well, yes, before. Now he just wants to get his hands on that hot blonde aide. Once he's ensconced in the Oval Office, his first move is terminating Jack's plot to get Audrey. Is his second move focused on terrorism? Or reassuring the nation? Or preserving his own power, even? Nope. It's fondling Amelia. "I'm not sure this is appropriate behavior, Mr. Acting President," she coos. "Well, there's the phone," he replies. "Tell them the Acting President is a dirty old man." Indeed. Absurdity factor: 4

2. Nadia, she's the best! First thing in the morning, CTU HQ, against Bill's wishes, lowered Nadia Yassir's security clearance, because, even though she's a loyal CTUer, she's also an Arab. Nadia was pissed. A few hours later, Nadia was suspected of leaking information to Fayed; she was removed from duty, placed in custody, and tortured by Doyle. Turned out it was all a mistake, and she was returned to duty. Nadia was pissed. So when Bill's forced out of CTU, who's put in charge? Nadia, of course, who'd not mad at all about being shat on all day. "I don't know why they would fire you," she tells Bill. "You're the most ethical, dedicated person I've ever known." A line like that from an aide would get Vice-President Daniels in the sack. Absurdity factor: 5

1. Audrey is brainwashed?! Jack comes out of eighteen months in a Chinese prison — eighteen months in which he was brutally, repeatedly tortured and beaten — acting just like his old self. Audrey, however, leaves able to say just a few words. But what a key few words: "Help me, Jack! Don't let them to do this to me!" So how many hours are left for us to have to watch her repeating that? Absurdity factor: 8 —Jesse Oxfeld

PS to Kristin: I'm just sitting down to watch The Bachelor now.

A word on yoga pants

For the past month, my wardrobe has consisted almost exclusively of pajamas, yoga pants and pajamas that look like yoga pants.

I was into yoga for about a four week period during 2005. I wasn't into yoga so much as I was into the associated clothing and accessories. It all started with this adorable yoga bag that I saw in a Vietnamese import store in SOHO. It was made by hand entirely of buttons. Cute! Then of course, I had to get the clothes. So I went to some upscale yoga clothing store and bought pants and T shirts. What made them specifically suited to yoga poses? I have no idea. But they were cute! Somewhere along the way I also bought a pair of yoga pants at Target. They were so much cheaper and they matched one of the (cute!) T shirts I bought at the upscale yoga boutique.

So fast forward two years. I never do yoga. The button bag is essentially a decorative element in my office, and I'm using all those clothes as post surgery lounge wear. So here's my real point. The pants are getting more wear and tear than they ever have before. The Target pants that I bought for something like $15 are going gangbusters. The boutique pants that were I don't know how much more than $15 because I've blocked it out? Completely falling apart.

Movie Review: Shut Up and Sing

In the interest of full disclosure: I have been a fan of the Dixie Chicks for a long time. I don't know how long - at least 10 or 15 years. By the way, you might not suspect it, but I am a huge fan of a wide range of country music. (OK, maybe you're not surprised, but it seems off Brand to me. Maybe this is another desperate attempt to convince myself I'm mysterious.) Anyway, I have seen Dwight Yokam in concert several times. Ditto for Lucinda Williams, Alison Krauss and Union Station and even a little known band called Southern Culture on the Skids. Amongst the CDs in my office: Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, John Denver and Emmylou Harris.

So all this is to say, YES. I was predisposed to love this movie about one of my favorite down home country bands. So take it for what it's worth, but I loved this movie.

For those that don't know, "Shut Up and Sing" is a documentary that focuses on the period of time when the band The Dixie Chicks found themselves at the center of a national controversy. The imbroglio began after a live London performance in 2003 when lead singer, Natalie Maines, uttered the sentence, "Just so you know, we’re on the good side with y’all. We do not want this war, this violence, and we’re ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas." The US invaded Iraq 10 days later.

Clearly remembering the ensuing political uproar, I thought "Shut Up and Sing" would be just about politics. I thought I was in for a Dubbya-slamming-free-speech-shilling documentary with a kick #$s soundtrack. And that would have been fine. But to my pleasant surprise, the story ended up being a lot more complex than the trailers (or this movie poster) gave it credit for.

First of all, the film allowed a glimpse into the creative process that I found true to life. Not that I've worked in the music industry, but I've spent my career peripherally involved with art directors, copy writers, film makers and yes, musical artists (despite evidence to the contrary, I'm sure that Office Depot whoa-whoa jingle didn't write itself). Any time I've seen the creative process depicted in a film or TV show, it's completely unrealistic (my favorite dramatization of an ad agency remains the classic Melrose Place. I still love that Alison worked her way from receptionist to President in less than one year and that they would frequently find out about new business pitches at around 10 in the morning and then they would happen over lunch that same day.) Seeing the behind the scenes of one of my favorite albums ("Taking the Long Way") only made me love it more.

Secondly, the film did a great job of humanizing these women by depicting the mundane and not so mundane challenges of managing family life while juggling an impossibly busy schedule. They're just like us. They struggle with their careers. They love their kids. They negotiate with their husbands about which one can sleep in on a Sunday morning. They're not professional hate mongers.

The film also covered another theme that was so fascinating to watch in the context of the Imus scandal. How should a radio station respond in the wake of public outcry? What's offensive? Who gets to decide? Actually, the radio execs came off looking pretty good in this film, I thought. You could sympathize with their plight and it was obvious their actions to boycott the band were driven by rational business decisions. Hard to make money off a station if you have no listeners. A related topic, the film showed hints of the complex business changes that lay ahead for a music industry who's power was shifting from radio programmers to fans with ipods. Nowadays, a radio ban is not quite the death knell it once was.

The film doesn't end on a completely victorious note for these gals. But if you watched the Grammy's, you know how the story really ends.

April Showers

Showering has become daunting since I've become balance-challenged (not enough to dissuade me!). Maybe it's only my current frame of mind, but this Shouts & Murmurs column from The New Yorker, a note for house guests on how to operate a shower curtain, completely cracked me up.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2007/01/08/070108sh_shouts_frazier

Update: Very strange hole in the universe kind of coincidence just happened. As I'm finishing writing this post, Terry comes out of his bathroom, looks at me and says, "I need a new shower curtain."

I need to go buy a lottery ticket. (And a robe for Terry.)

A great day

I have always loved Fridays. But this one was a stand-out.

1. Could the weather have been better? No, it could not. My mother took me for a walk through The Heather Garden in Fort Tryon Park. Everything was in bloom, and it was truly spectacular. (As I've told many of you, on nice days like today - and especially after long stretches of rain - all the old people get taken to the park to air out. The over 80 set and I in the park with our attendants. Quite a sight. I have these giant Jackie O type sunglasses which are pretty trendy right now. The arm hurts my incision area, but it was so sunny today that I could not avoid wearing them at least intermittently. In the park it was hard not to notice that they are oddly derivative of cataract shields.)
   
2. When I wasn't out strolling, I was able to gaze upon the most amazing floral arrangement which I am lucky enough to have sitting on my dining room table. I received it last night, and I think it is truly the most magnificent bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. No lie. It is much nicer than anything I had at my wedding.
3. My husband is making me dinner. The menu is parmesan crusted baby lamb chops, roasted asparagus and mashed potatoes. Mmm.

Here's a picture of the flowers. It does not do them justice.

Bonus Bachelor Edition

Guess who was a guest on Ellen today. That's right - Lt. Andy Baldwin. OMG. Special quality time.

Ok, first he gave a rose to Ellen. Nice touch.

Then he gave a few canned lines that had been written by the publicist for The Bachelor in response to the questions that same publicist told Ellen to ask (remember, this is all over. Andy already knows whom he picked.)

Ellen: "Why find the love of your life in this way?"
Andy: "I believe in fate. When ABC called me it was at just the right time."
Ellen: "You all of a sudden get down to two that you have strong feelings for. Do you think about the other girl that you let go? What did I do? Maybe I made a mistake?"
Andy: "I do. That's the toughest part. But in the end I needed to look into my heart and really feel who I felt strongest for and who would be best for me in the future. And that was the most emotional day of my life. I'm not going to lie to you."

Blah, blah, blah. It's not as compelling when Andy's words are not dramatized with military music swells.

But then he let his guard down and it got interesting. Ellen asks him why he let Erin go. I mean after all, he took her for that drive and made such a point of telling her how much he liked her and wants to make sure she likes him too, and then he boots her. Yea, Ellen. I thought that was weird too! Well, Andy let Ellen's viewers in on what the cameras didn't catch Erin say:

"They didn't show the entire two hours of it. She was very shy in front of the cameras. I wanted to take her on a drive and engage her in conversation and see what she was doing here. I said, 'Erin, what's going on?' And she was like, (Andy mocks a girly-girl voice here) 'Well, I want to name our kids Walker and Texas Ranger.'"

And then something astonishing occurred. Before I even knew what was happening, Lieutenant Andy Baldwin demonstrated what seemed to be a genuine sense of humor with this quote from Talladega Nights:

"Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife (Andy is laughing so hard he can barely get the words out). But I luv ya, Erin!"

He didn't once say Erin is a wonderful person with a good heart. Andy can be snide and sarcastic! I am in this, dammit. That Andy Baldwin makes me want to be a better person. I think I hear snare drums...

Outside the Dream

Some of you know that my surgery was slightly delayed because one of my surgeons, Dr. John Roland, was in Uganda doing relief work through most of March (the delay had no medical impact, in case you were wondering).

I have had a lot of discussions with Dr. Roland about the work both he and his wife are involved in over in Africa, and it's truly inspiring. So I thought I'd help raise awareness about this important cause (to the five people that read my blog). The real motivation: I'm hoping this will help abate the growing opinion (being fueled by these ridiculous posts) that I am a completely shallow, vapid, Bachelor-watching, celebrity gossip mongering, wanna-be-blonde. (I am those things, of course, save the blonde thing, but I have many layers.)

My doctor's wife is also involved in medicine - pediatric medicine to be exact (they are clearly a family of overachievers). Her passion to care for children in need drove involvement with an organization that helps the most vulnerable children: Outside the Dream. The work they do can be understood through their mission statement:

Our mission is to transform the lives of vulnerable children - aids orphans, child soldiers, abducted girls, refugees - who are motivated to succeed, through education. We collaborate with a number of Uganda-based organizations to locate children who have all the skills, promise, and determination to succeed, but who do not have the means. We provide these children with education, room and board, clothing, medical care, and a family. Our children have faced war, AIDS, unbelievable hardships. Despite these obstacles, our children are excelling. Half of our high school scholars moved to the top ten schools during their first year with us.

If you've read A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier, or heard anything about Ishmael Beah, he is exactly the kind of child Outside the Dream helps. (Ishmael Beah's story unfolded in Sierra Leone, but the children of Uganda are facing the same obstacles).

My doc asked his wife if he could go on one of her trips with her to see what goes on over there. He was so affected by his experience that he began getting involved in his own way. So completely on his own accord, Dr. Roland has recruited three young Ugandan doctors and he makes regular trips to train them and impart all the leading edge knowledge he has access to as an elite doctor in one of the leading US hospitals. You should hear him talk about it - he believes (and I believe) he is changing the future of health and hearing in this needy country. Proof that one person can make a difference.

If you're interested in finding out more (or making a contribution to Outside the Dream), you can check out their website:

http://www.outsidethedream.org/index.html

Four week status report

The Wednesday status reports are getting boring. I apologize in advance. I can no longer spice them up by throwing around exciting sound bites like, "Good news, I'm out of the cerebro-spinal fluid leak danger zone!"

The milestones of recovery are becoming more mundane and more spread out. I am SO over my recovery. I can't even imagine how uninteresting this is to you. I forgive anyone who stops reading the status report postings in favor of Bachelor updates and gossip tid-bits.

Still reading?

Really?!

How 'bout now?

Come on! Seriously?

Ok. Well in that case...

I learned a few important things during week four. Allow me to share:

Week Four: Eight Key Learnings

Key Learning #1: Healing is not linear

Some of the things I thought were history have reared their ugly head again (not that there's anything wrong with ugly heads). Like why does my jaw hurt? I know they sawed through bone, muscle and nerve, but that pain went away for at least three days in a row during week three. I thought the statute of limitations was over? And why is the rice crispies noise inside my head getting louder after it had almost nearly subsided? And what about the voices that tell me it's time to turn on Dr. Phil?

Key Learning #2: Jazz is not always relaxing

Note to self: when going out to "quiet" neighborhood restaurants, call ahead to make sure it's not jazz night. Oh, and make sure that they don't have a special treat on that particular jazz night: opera singers performing their favorite show tunes. We planned a dinner out this past week - my first! We had planned to meet a good friend (and former neuro nurse) who helped me out enormously through this process. So we purposely selected a restaurant that I could easily walk to and that is very quiet. About an hour into our meal, we heard musical instruments being tuned just on the other side of a small wall dividing our table from the front room. We poked our head around to see what's going on. Sure enough. Live music. Three feet from me. Awesome. I spent the rest of the evening with my finger plugging my good ear while the rest of the diners enjoyed rousing renditions from such classics as South Pacific. That remains our only dinner out to date.

Key Learning #3: Zagat is omniscient

Zagat publishes an annual movie guide (Thanks, Daphne). Includes reviews of 1,600 movies in alphabetical order, and in traditional Zagat format, breaks down "Top Lists" by relevant categories: Favorite Films of All Time, Best New Releases, Overall Quality, By Genre, By Decade, By Director, By Lead Actor, Top Story, Top Production Values, Foreign Language. It's a great reference.

Key Learning #4: Broadway is noisy

I can walk 17 blocks. But I can't walk 17 blocks on Broadway. Many trucks. Many sirens. Now I know. (It took brain surgery to figure this out? I'm a New Yorker. I never noticed before.)

Key Learning #5: I still don't cook, but I am better than ever at obsessive cleaning

Oxi Clean works well on glass that you can't get inside of to clean. I have a dual chamber balsamic/olive oil dispenser with very small openings. No way can you get a sponge or even a bottle cleaning brush in there. I swished some Oxi Clean and a little water around inside, and it got off all the residue left behind by the dishwasher.

Key Learning #6: I'm a lucky, lucky, lucky girl

I have the best friends on the planet. This has been proven to me many times over the course of my life and especially over the past few months. I had one of the best examples yet during Week Four. My friend Lisa, whom I have been friends with since we were 12, was coming in from Long Island to see me this past Saturday. The minute I answered the door, I began crying. (So, sue me! I've been through a lot, she's a good friend, it was emotional.) So then she says to me: "I left the bagels in the hall." Ok. That's weird, but fine. Let's get the bagels. What do I see? There are ALL my girls. They had traveled in from all over the country to see me.

Here's a funny picture. When I discovered I was the target of the best surprise visit ever I said, "I'm floored," just as I very nearly was. I lost my balance with almost perfect comedic timing.

Here's the whole gang

Key Learning #7: Google is scary

I have known these girls for over 20 (something!) years. No matter how much we've been through, the minute we're all together, it's like we're right back in high school. So of course we spent the visit eating and gossiping. What better tool to fuel the gossip session than Google? We got out the year book and began Googling (this word is spell checkable now) random folks from high school. You'd be surprised what we were able to find out. Can't wait for our 2009 reunion where I plan to surprise a certain now resident of North Carolina with my knowledge of what he paid for his home. I barely spoke to him in high school, and he hasn't entered my conscious thought in decades, but I now know he has a terrace AND a deck.

Key Learning #8: Re-read hospital discharge papers at regular intervals

I read the instructions in the hospital (Right after blowing my nose. One of the instructions is "Don't blow your nose.") I read them again when I got home. Haven't read them again since. But I read them tonight and realized that I have violated several key directives. Most notably, I was supposed to make an appointment to see my neurosurgeon again during week three. Notice this is a "Week Four" learning. Ooops. (Could they have called!? I paid a lot of money for that operation. I'm just saying.)

Advertising or Op Ed?

Did you catch this ad in Sunday's New York Times? Way to go, Weiden (and Rutgers, of course).

If you can't see the copy, it says:

"Thank you, ignorance.

Thank you for starting the conversation.

Thank you for making an entire nation listen to the Rutger's team story.

And for making us wonder what other great stories we've missed.

Thank you for reminding us to think before we speak.

Thank you for showing us how strong and poised 18 and 20-year-old women can be.

Thank you for reminding us that another basketball tournament goes on in March.

Thank you for showing us that sport includes more than the time spent on the court.

Thank you for unintentionally moving women's sport forward.

And thank you for making all of us realize that we still have a long way to go.

Next season starts 11.16.07."

Read the full article in Adage:

http://adage.com/article?article_id=116145

The worst day ever, until next season

I loved last night's 24. It was one of the best - along with the brother torturing episode. Speaking of which, what happened to Jack's ex-girlfriend/sister in law? Oh, right. who cares? Audrey is alive...

(By the way, I won't point out that there are only 6 hours left in this day. You can't fly from California to China in six hours, I don't care if you are Jack Bauer.)

I can't do better than these hilarious observations:

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2007/04/in_daily_intels_24_absurdomete.html

Mud, sweat and tears

I'm sure every season is like this, but as a new-comer, I am so impressed with the writers of this show. The ingenious scenarios they concoct to ensure continuously new levels of trashiness takes true talent.

Boot camp was ingenious, although I'm surprised the standard issue uniform wasn't string bikinis. Missed opportunity. Do you think that drill sergeant can look himself in the mirror these days? I hope they paid him a lot, because let's face it, his military career is over.

• Favorite soldier line (Erin): "I'm pretty pissed because I just had to go on a date and exercise. And here I am again." Good point, Erin. You should be pissed. Plus this time she doesn't have her sidekick to hold hands with. Do you think the Sarg would handle that the same way Andy did? "No walking! No holding hands!"
• Favorite Andy line: "Not only was I able to proudly give this rose to the fallen soldier..." (!!!???) "...but also to the woman who really gave it her all that morning and did it for me." This does not require further comment.

Ah, the mud bath date. I can't tell you how many of those I've been on. But this one was done with Bachelor flair. Mutual mud smearing. Washing mud off each other in a group shower. Stephanie T becoming a spectacle through everything short of dancing on a pole.

• Favorite mud-caker line (Tina): "I don't want other girls putting their hands all over the man I'm supposed to be marrying." Tina. Honey. You are on The Bachelor. I've said it before, Ill say it again. Two words: life coach.
• Loved when they all talked about the longest relationships they had been in before. Tina's was a year and a half. Of course, for six months of that she was not allowed within 50 yards of her "boyfriend" due to the court order.

Ok, the racetrack date actually was cool. That seems like it would be fun.

• Favorite Andy line: "Vrrooom. Vrroom. Vroom." Is he making a car engine noise?! I suddenly feel we are watching the reenactment of his 10 year old birthday party fantasy, and the girls are just along for show.
• Favorite racer line (Erin): "The only other date that could have been as fun would be a shooting range." "You shoot guns?" "Yes. It's like a stress reliever for me." Hmm. Shooting guns as stress relief. I see a possible future alliance between Erin and Tina.

The two-on-one date. The title alone lets you know this will be some good Bachelor drama. As it starts, I'm already giddy because I find both Peyton (the "Sorority Recruiter" who's name Andy INSISTS on pronouncing "Pay-Ton" with a hard T and accent on the second syllable) and Tessa (she lost me at the meltdown) completely annoying. One of them will be going :) The date turns out to basically be a giant recruiting effort for the Navy.

• Favorite Andy line: (Following the stethoscope to the heart approach - through which I'm thinking, "Oh no. He is not doing this. " Blocked by a poor wardrobe choice on Peyton's part, the stethoscope was nowhere near her heart, more like the upper esophagus. I was surprised the producers didn't force a dress change right there to something more plunging) "Wow. Sounds like it needs some love, you know?" The doc is smooth. This totally inspired Peyton who tearily proclaimed that she is in this now, dammit. She wants someone like Andy who can drive her to be her best.
• Favorite tag-teamer line (Tessa): "This is the first date I've been on with two girls." But maybe not the last. I have a feeling Andy has awoken the adventurous side of Tessa.
• The drama around this rose was hil-a-ri-ous. The militaristic music swelling to underscore Andy's emotion. The way he choked back tears as he expressed his regret over having but one rose to bestow. The girls clutching each other in feigned friendship. And then the tear dams broke! Andy - get it together. You're a naval officer. Then Pey-TON left crying all alone on that vast and lonely flight deck while watching Tessa fly away with the man that should be hers. Music swells again.

The desperation was palpable at the pre-rose ceremony gathering.

• Amanda can't sell it. Doesn't seem like she wants to sell it. She misses her own bed and wants to go home.
• Kate tries to show her serious side, but is frustrated that Andy can't see the real her. "What do you want me to do? Like, rescue an orphan from a fire?" Yes, Kate. I think that would do the trick. Or break your ankle.
• Stephanie T-pole dancer: "He can't get enough of the Stephanie sandwich."

And the ceremony itself provided more entertainment. So fun to watch psycho Stephanie get madder and madder with each rose she didn't get. She probably now thinks it was a special sign that he saved her for last - that ego of hers is invincible. I must say, I was surprised that she got the rose rather than Erin.

Random observations:

• I know she won't win, and she's not the sharpest crayon in the box (which doesn't seem to count against you on this show), but Nicole is adorable.
• Andy diagnosed a "displaced fracture" when Bevin was writhing on the ground in pain. Later we found out it's not broken. Andy tried to listen to Peyton's heart, and put the stethoscope on her esophagus. I'm just saying.
• I really hope that Danielle doesn't bring up the dead boyfriend on every episode. We get it. Your boyfriend died. That is truly awful. But stop bringing us down, girl! And go put on something slinky.

Already can't wait for next week - laughter through the tears.

The eternal power of fans and foes

I don't know how I missed this one last Thursday, but it explains a lot. (Click the title to read the full article)

Tiger Woods Reveals He Is Zach Johnson

For those that don't know, to say my father was not a fan of Tiger is an understatement (there was an incident involving a boulder moved by spectators that my dad never got over. I won't go into it). Ever since my dad passed away, Tiger's career has been uncharacteristically inconsistent. We Traynors are convinced it's my dad's heavenly intervention.

It's fact - Tiger's wins usually coincide with other earthly events that would compete for Bud's attention. For example, Tiger won the British Open last year the same week we held the Fourth Annual Bud Traynor Classic at Bethpage. Bud was too busy focusing on the weather patterns above the Red Course to be diverted by Tiger. Naturally, Tiger took first place at St. Andrews.

So I admit I was a little hurt when Tiger didn't win the masters last week. Doesn't my dad care at all about my recovery?! He's focused on making sure Tiger doesn't get a green jacket when I am sitting around recovering from brain surgery? Really? I envisioned a future fraught with expensive therapy sessions.

But now I see what happened. Thanks, dad. Feeling better already.

White is the new black

Fashion being contrary as it is, and black being the nail color of choice for winter, of COURSE the new Chanel color for Spring is white. Blanc Ceramic to be exact.

I hobbled out to the spa in my hood with my mom and we both got manicures. So I would be prepared for Spring, I had bought the new Chanel color before my surgery. I'm liking it for the season, but I have to say, the black was much more striking. This just doesn't pack the same punch.

On another note, this is how I know I spend too much money pampering myself. The owner of the spa in my neighborhood sent me flowers to help speed my recovery. How sweet is that!? If you ever find yourself in northern Manhattan and in need of a good facial, stop in to Sava. I love this place:
http://www.savaspa.com/

Speaking of Don and "hos"

I'm not going to comment on Imus. (OK. I'll comment. I don't think it's a free speech issue. The market has determined the right outcome in my opinion. That's all I'll say about that.)

Ironically, in a week that ended with every single Sunday morning show featuring a lengthy debate on "Don" and the "hos" remark, the decidedly uncontroversial Don Ho, has passed at the age of 76. Who doesn't like tiny bubbles?

(By the way, what's with me and the obituaries? Brain surgery has made me weirdly morbid.)

Movie Review: Office Space

I know I am the last person on the planet to have seen this movie, but I finally caught Office Space. So many people have told me for so long how hysterical this movie is that I'm sorry to say it suffered a bit from the hype for me. Don't get me wrong - I thought it was funny - but I had higher expectations.

For those that don't know the premise, it satirizes the droning existence of holding an unsatisfying job in both a generic corporate atmosphere as well as in the cartoonish, over the top context of a chain restaurant like TGIFs. It really did capture some ridiculous kernels of truth and made me laugh at the (at times) absurdity of my own office life. And I now have greater sympathy for the Appleby's waiter who once accompanied each plate delivery to my table with the enthusiastic assurance: "That's good eatin' right there." (By the way, for those shocked to hear I ate in an Appleby's, this was 10 years ago, and I was in South Carolina. The gourmet restaurant pickings were slim at the time.)

For anyone who has ever worked for someone you thought to be of questionable intellect and/or competence, yet suffering from no lack of disdaining superiority, this movie demonstrates you were not alone. You will laugh out loud with self recognition. (To any of my current or former bosses who may be reading this blog, I am not talking about you.)

I will say, I think this movie was probably funnier before the sitcom The Office came out. That show is so well written, and they've had the luxury of several seasons to make their characters complex and totally lovable for all their quirks. Office Space was, I'm sure, ground breaking in its day (that being the day of the floppy disk and reliance on a fax machine). The Office picked up where they left off.

Speaking of cougars...

Ladies, here's your chance at royalty. Sarah Middleton and Prince William have broken up.

The split comes just months after a popular British chainstore bet a huge sum on the couple marrying with the release of china memorabilia complete with their faces and names, leaving only the date of the nuptials to be filled in. Suppose they can use a set to eat humble pie...

Meanwhile, what happened to William? He used to be so cute. Now, he's looking a bit, well, bald. He's only 24, but already quite follically challenged (not that there's anything wrong with that. For that matter, let me again mention how terrible my hair looks).

Young and cute:

Not as young, not as cute...

...and kinda bald!

Fun with scars

This "article" gives me a glimpse of the future fun that is possible for me. A story involving alien abduction? Scientology? A freak perm accident? (Who wouldn't believe that? You've all seen the 10th grade picture. Hard to believe that hair was the only casualty.)

The possibilities are endless and would only expand with the addition of a snap.

(Click the title to read full story)

Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation

Katie is a Cougar - who knew!?

It turns out my husband has more in common with Katie Couric than being a grad of the University of Virginia. Apparently, they are both cradle robbers as well. Wahoo-wa.

I can't find a picture of Brooks, but I'm sure that will change shortly now that they're public.

As reported in The Post:


KATIE COUGAR
NEW LOVE IS 17 YRS. HER JUNIOR
By MARK BULLIET and JENNIFER FERMINO

April 12, 2007 -- Who cares about ratings when you've got your very own hunky triathlete on the mark and ready to go?

Katie Couric's dishy new boy toy is a good-looking, physically fit, almost 33-year-old East Sider with a posh pedigree.

Brooks Perlin - son of financier Sanford Perlin of Darien, Conn. - has been running around with the perky anchorwoman-turned-cougar for several months, according to a source.

"These are two private people and I respect that," said Sanford Perlin yesterday, when reached at his office at Kleos Capital Management.

His mother, Anne Perlin, 68, didn't want to comment on her son's new 50-year-old girlfriend. "I don't believe in any meddling in people's personal lives," she said. When pressed, she added, "It's a lovely story and I hope we don't ruin it."

Odds are Couric the cougar - a lighthearted term for older women who devour younger men - hopes the same. She has languished in the ratings since moving from NBC's "Today Show" to anchor the "CBS Evening News" last fall.

Her relationship with TV mogul Tom Werner fizzled in 2004. Since then, she had an on-again, off-again fling with jazz musician Chris Botti. But at 17 years her junior, Perlin could be the breath of fresh air she needs.

She's often spotted arriving in a limo at his tony East Side apartment building, close to Sutton Place. "She arrives at, like, 11," said one resident. "She's always in a suit and heels." The female resident also said that the perennially khaki-clad Perlin has a roving eye. "He's always checking out every girl who walks by," she complained.

Last July, Perlin competed in the Greenwich Cup triathlon - where he swam, ran, and cycled - and finished in an impressive one hour, 19 minutes and 16 seconds.

He also has a plummy academic background. He was known as "Woody" at the Hotchkiss School, a 100-year-old Connecticut boarding school, and he grew up in plush Darien. As a kid, he hammed it up in a performance of "The Music Man" at the Darien Arts Center, where his mother is on the board of directors. Then he was off to prestigious Williams College in Williamstown, Mass., where he played on the tennis team.

He met Couric - who lost her husband, Jay Monahan, the father of her two kids to cancer in 1998 - through mutual friends, said a source.

After months of being under the radar, the two recently went public, attending "The Year of Magical Thinking" on Broadway.

Gotta love that House

Didn't catch House on Tuesday -watched it last night. First of all - WHAT'S WITH THE CONTINUED USE OF GRATUITOUS BRAIN SURGERY SHOTS?

Now that I got that off my mind (pun intended), here are my favorite House-isms from this week's episode:

To the parents of a screaming kid boarding the plane: "Give her 20 mg of anti-histamine. It could save her life. Because if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her. "

House: "Nobody speaks Korean on this plane?"
Cuddy: "I assumed you did."
House: "I know how to ask if his sister's over 18, I just don't think that's going to help."

Hot stewardess: "I'm in New York every Monday"
House: "Are you handicap accessible?"

So it goes

Kurt Vonnegut died last night at the age of 84. I find it hard to believe he was only 84. He had an office in a building I used to work in, and I used to see him every once in a while in the lobby or elevator. This was at least 10 or 12 years ago, and he looked 94 then.

He led a fascinating life, and was another example of the widely held theory that insanity is closely linked to creative talent. (Any of the creatives I work with who are actually reading this are now wondering what I meant by that. "Is she saying I'm crazy or is she saying I'm a hack? Which is worse?" For the record, I think being normal is entirely overrated.)

The obit from the Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/12/books/12vonnegut.html?ex=1334116800&en=3ec8fcf272b11f7a&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

Casting session at La Brea Tar Pits?

I don't care how many times I see them, those Geico caveman spots (The Martin Agency) crack me up every single time. You can see the current ones here: http://www.geico.com/video/

In a true case of Branded Content, ABC is developing a sit-com pilot for the 07/08 season around those lovable pre-historic men about town. "Cavemen" will show the plights of these neurotic city dwellers as they battle prejudice and attempt to live as normal thirtysomethings in modern Atlanta.

While thirty seconds of cavemen is hilarious, it will be interesting to see if thirty minutes is as funny. It could end up being a boring repetition of the same joke over and over. An encouraging harbinger: ABC has involved some heavy hitting talent, including directors Will Speck and Josh Gordon. Speck and Gordon recently helmed "Blades of Glory."

Filming starts this week.

Three Week Status Report

Wow. Three weeks flies when you're mostly unconscious for two-thirds of it!

Just a quick word on how I'm doing. True to what the doctors had told me to expect, I feel MUCH better after these first three weeks, and I'm now at the part that just takes time and patience. The rest of the improvements will take considerably longer than the progress I've made up until now - but they will eventually happen. The good news is the risk of dangerous complications and the serious pain are behind me. In other words, the anxiety is over - and the true boredom is just beginning!

A noteworthy milestone: I rode in a car long enough to get to my mother's house in Port Washington, and I made it through an Easter Sunday visit with my extended family. It was so great to see everyone - and the kids all heeded their parents - having all been told they had to stay very quiet ;) Also, they thought my scar was totally cool.

I will admit, I am still wiped out from this exertion, but I'm glad I went. My Aunt Mary's potato salad alone was worth the effort.

A funny aside (funny weird, not funny ha-ha). When I awoke on Sunday morning I already had a headache - worse than the one I typically have these days. I was trying to pinpoint the cause so I could avoid repeating the behavior. When my sister in law arrived at my mom's house she had an explanation. (For those who don't know, my brother's wife, Clementina, also had brain surgery about five years ago. The hospital joked that the next one in our family is free.) She too had awoken with a headache on Sunday - and it turns out that when changes in weather patterns occur, it brings on the headache. I'm sure it has something to do with rising and falling barometric pressure or something. Maybe Clementina and I can get a show on the Weather Channel.

Unfortunately, I haven't personally noticed any post-surgical superpowers yet, but Clementina always knows when it's going to rain. Her scar itches the day before. My brother, the golfer, finds this very useful.

24 Absurdometer for last night

From New York Magazine. I love their take on Jack's Cape-Fear truck ride:

The '24' Absurd-o-Meter: Five Kinds of Absurdity, Plus Some Uncharacteristic Logic

In Daily Intel's 24 Absurd-o-Meter, we each week count down the most incredibly ridiculous (ridiculously incredible?) plot points in the last hour of Jack Bauer's crappy day. This week, Jack goes for a ride under a truck, Fayed goes for a ride with a chain around his neck, and basic dramatic logic takes a ride out the window. Shall we count the ways?

5. Nonameistan continues to go unnamed. "My government has alerted me of the nuclear missile headed to my country," proclaims "the ambassador" (from where? can't say!) as he negotiates with President Palmer. Think about how often President Bush says "Iraq." Now think about the contortions 24 goes through every episode not to name this country. Though, from the looks of this week's finish, we won't have 24's Middle Eastern issues to complain about anymore. Absurdity factor: 3 (of a possible 10)

4. Are you the Keymaster? There's what seems to be an unintentionally hilarious moment when President Palmer learns some new intel and declares, "perhaps it's the key to breaking Fayed," the hardened terrorist mastermind behind the days attacks. Cut to: Jack Bauer punching Fayed in the face, which is clearly very, very far from the key to breaking Fayed. Absurdity factor: 4
3. Just try talking when it's not so loud. While Jack hitches a ride in the undercarriage of Fayed's getaway truck, he attempts to tell CTU his position but can't make a clear call because it's too loud. Indeed, the show goes to great lengths to show how incredibly! loud!! it!!! IS!!!! — but, of course, only when the truck is in motion. Jack's on that thing through a commercial break and another few minutes. There were no red lights? No four-way stops? Slow turns? C'mon! Absurdity factor: 6
2. Fake-outs: What America does best. First President Palmer employs the time-tested "fake nuclear attack" ploy to get An Arab Country To Be Named Later to cough up the name of a Fayed supporter in their government. Then Jack stages a faux-rescue of Fayed in order to get him to lure CTU to his base. The juxtaposition of the two similar tactics was such sloppy storytelling that maybe it was deliberate — could it be that it isn't <24> that's run out of any strategy save time-wasting misdirection, but America? Nah, it's the show. Absurdity factor: 8
1. Good timing, evil China dude. The Audrey Raines–kidnapping Mr. Chang happens to call Jack at 10:55, just after America's favorite agent has finished neatly disposing of Fayed, his nukes, and 17 hours worth of plot. Suddenly, and neatly sequentially, a whole new storyline begins. What a convenient turn of events! Absurdity factor: 9

Bonus: Introducing the Reverse Absurd-o-Meter, which will hereafter be bestowed whenever a character takes the road less travelled and shows a patently un-24-like amount of common sense. This happened four minutes into the episode, when National Security Advisor Karen Hayes tries to put a cocamamie scheme in action. She asks her husband, CTU L.A. director Bill Buchanan, to concoct a story about having a solid lead from Fayed on the location of the suitcase nukes. Bill: "You're asking me to provide a pretext to bring the missile down? Karen, I can't do that. Fayed's not talking and Gredenko's dead. I don't have anything." Yeah, jeez, Karen — what kind of show do you think this is?

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2007/04/the_24_absurdometer_five_kinds.html

Who Are You, and What Have You Done With My Wife?

Hello Fans of Joan -

Some of you have asked about how my wife's surgery has changed her, and how the whole event has affected me. It is for these caring souls that I offer a small glimpse into how things have changed since the surgery.

Like the best Lifetime movies, the phone exchanges below are based on actual conversations.

BS (before surgery):

TGV: "Hey, Joanie, how's it going?
JAV: "Good, I gotta call you back, I'm heading to the Economist to present the latest paid search results, and I have to get a latte before I go. When will you be home to cook me dinner?"

AS: (after surgery):

TGV: "Hey, Joanie how's it going?"
JAV: "Well, they haven't given the goods on the Anna baby-daddy yet, they say they're gonna play that close to the vest until Friday. The money is on Birkhead, though. And OK, the doctor on the Bachelor? Whatever, it's a totally cheesy show, but that guy is SO hot. And that crazy girl who sang the Star Spangled Banner? No way she gets a rose. Oh, and they were talking about Imus on "The View" this morning, and that Elizabeth Hasselback, she's SO conservative, she doesn't think he should be fired, she thinks it's perfectly fine to say what he thinks on his own show even if it's offensive. OH - and I heard they are cutting the asking price AGAIN on the Brit/FedEx mansion! Can you believe that? Uh oh, gotta go - Dr. Phil is on, and it's about an alcoholic mother who's pushing her pill-popping anorexic daughter into prostitution to pay for her QVC addiction. When will you be home to cook me dinner?"