Mud, sweat and tears

I'm sure every season is like this, but as a new-comer, I am so impressed with the writers of this show. The ingenious scenarios they concoct to ensure continuously new levels of trashiness takes true talent.

Boot camp was ingenious, although I'm surprised the standard issue uniform wasn't string bikinis. Missed opportunity. Do you think that drill sergeant can look himself in the mirror these days? I hope they paid him a lot, because let's face it, his military career is over.

• Favorite soldier line (Erin): "I'm pretty pissed because I just had to go on a date and exercise. And here I am again." Good point, Erin. You should be pissed. Plus this time she doesn't have her sidekick to hold hands with. Do you think the Sarg would handle that the same way Andy did? "No walking! No holding hands!"
• Favorite Andy line: "Not only was I able to proudly give this rose to the fallen soldier..." (!!!???) "...but also to the woman who really gave it her all that morning and did it for me." This does not require further comment.

Ah, the mud bath date. I can't tell you how many of those I've been on. But this one was done with Bachelor flair. Mutual mud smearing. Washing mud off each other in a group shower. Stephanie T becoming a spectacle through everything short of dancing on a pole.

• Favorite mud-caker line (Tina): "I don't want other girls putting their hands all over the man I'm supposed to be marrying." Tina. Honey. You are on The Bachelor. I've said it before, Ill say it again. Two words: life coach.
• Loved when they all talked about the longest relationships they had been in before. Tina's was a year and a half. Of course, for six months of that she was not allowed within 50 yards of her "boyfriend" due to the court order.

Ok, the racetrack date actually was cool. That seems like it would be fun.

• Favorite Andy line: "Vrrooom. Vrroom. Vroom." Is he making a car engine noise?! I suddenly feel we are watching the reenactment of his 10 year old birthday party fantasy, and the girls are just along for show.
• Favorite racer line (Erin): "The only other date that could have been as fun would be a shooting range." "You shoot guns?" "Yes. It's like a stress reliever for me." Hmm. Shooting guns as stress relief. I see a possible future alliance between Erin and Tina.

The two-on-one date. The title alone lets you know this will be some good Bachelor drama. As it starts, I'm already giddy because I find both Peyton (the "Sorority Recruiter" who's name Andy INSISTS on pronouncing "Pay-Ton" with a hard T and accent on the second syllable) and Tessa (she lost me at the meltdown) completely annoying. One of them will be going :) The date turns out to basically be a giant recruiting effort for the Navy.

• Favorite Andy line: (Following the stethoscope to the heart approach - through which I'm thinking, "Oh no. He is not doing this. " Blocked by a poor wardrobe choice on Peyton's part, the stethoscope was nowhere near her heart, more like the upper esophagus. I was surprised the producers didn't force a dress change right there to something more plunging) "Wow. Sounds like it needs some love, you know?" The doc is smooth. This totally inspired Peyton who tearily proclaimed that she is in this now, dammit. She wants someone like Andy who can drive her to be her best.
• Favorite tag-teamer line (Tessa): "This is the first date I've been on with two girls." But maybe not the last. I have a feeling Andy has awoken the adventurous side of Tessa.
• The drama around this rose was hil-a-ri-ous. The militaristic music swelling to underscore Andy's emotion. The way he choked back tears as he expressed his regret over having but one rose to bestow. The girls clutching each other in feigned friendship. And then the tear dams broke! Andy - get it together. You're a naval officer. Then Pey-TON left crying all alone on that vast and lonely flight deck while watching Tessa fly away with the man that should be hers. Music swells again.

The desperation was palpable at the pre-rose ceremony gathering.

• Amanda can't sell it. Doesn't seem like she wants to sell it. She misses her own bed and wants to go home.
• Kate tries to show her serious side, but is frustrated that Andy can't see the real her. "What do you want me to do? Like, rescue an orphan from a fire?" Yes, Kate. I think that would do the trick. Or break your ankle.
• Stephanie T-pole dancer: "He can't get enough of the Stephanie sandwich."

And the ceremony itself provided more entertainment. So fun to watch psycho Stephanie get madder and madder with each rose she didn't get. She probably now thinks it was a special sign that he saved her for last - that ego of hers is invincible. I must say, I was surprised that she got the rose rather than Erin.

Random observations:

• I know she won't win, and she's not the sharpest crayon in the box (which doesn't seem to count against you on this show), but Nicole is adorable.
• Andy diagnosed a "displaced fracture" when Bevin was writhing on the ground in pain. Later we found out it's not broken. Andy tried to listen to Peyton's heart, and put the stethoscope on her esophagus. I'm just saying.
• I really hope that Danielle doesn't bring up the dead boyfriend on every episode. We get it. Your boyfriend died. That is truly awful. But stop bringing us down, girl! And go put on something slinky.

Already can't wait for next week - laughter through the tears.