Ta-hos

First of all, I found this episode depressing. For obvious reasons, this is the first year the Voltzes didn't take a ski trip out west in I don't know how long - 10 years, maybe. That annual trip is one of my favorite things. Scenes of Tahoe were a bit of a stab. Ok, boo-hoo. Poor me. Let's get to the snide commentary...

Did you notice Amber's Gollum leaps from bed to bed upon the news that they were all going to Tahoe with Andy? What would she have done if it was Paris? I shudder to think.

Stop the clowning around, Amber! We may not have a drill Sergeant to whip our butts, but this episode is not about fun and games. It is time for some good old fashioned junior high quality melt-down drama. Tonight there will be tears. And lots of them. So get packed, dammit.

Honestly, Bevin's melodrama over her sprained ankle was just over the top. Snap out of it, Bev. It could be worse - TRUST me ;) Most guys would be running the other way. But good old Andy was like a moth to flame. "Do you feel what I do? That electricity when I touch you?"

The ladies start to notice the fact that Andy likes to rescue damsels in distress, so they all start having breakdowns one by one. Andy - still think this is fun?

But Bevin's first to market advantage wins the day and she snags the Special Quality Time. I almost died when I saw Andy carrying her down the hall. I'm sorry - this has gone too far. She was walking through the Casino on those high heeled strappy sandals just fine, thank you. Anyway, time for some bonding. Andy and Bevin breathlessly admitting to each other that they're both nerds was priceless. Andy could have said, "You know, I'm a cannibal," and Bevin would have said, "Oh, me too. I'm totally a cannibal." And did anyone else think Andy was slurring his words? Particularly during the million dollar: "You know what? You're my sanctuary." It was the martinis talking, and I was MOR-TI-FIED!!

The girls on the ski date definitely drew the short straws. Is it harder to look good in a cocktail dress while sipping mojitos and blowing on dice or while covered in fourteen layers of thinsulate and a goofy hat while trying to wipe your runny nose? Also, odds are if you take any group of girls of that number, at least ONE of them is going to know how to ski. You can't tell me they didn't purposely select the guest list for this date based on utter lack of skiing experience. Camera pans to Andy the ski instructor as he flashes his freshly veneered smile.

Be it in a mud bath or a ski slope, that Stephanie-pole-dancer never ceases the conniving. I don't think she even needed to verbalize what we all knew from day one, but it was fun to hear: "I am not here to make friends and be in a sorority house. I will definitely throw another girl under the bus if I feel like she's going to cause trouble for me." A reminder: she's an organ donor coordinator. I think her specific role is to rip out the hearts with her bare hands.

Andy expresses concern when discussing the emotional brew pot being stirred on a nightly basis. "It's really hard. I see women developing feelings. Jealousy is such a rampant beast." ANDY, BE NOT CONCERNED. This is the entire premise of the show. Things are going exactly according to plan.

When Andy selected Tina for the special quality time, we saw more of that pathetic lack of self esteem. She had this expression like, "Who, ME!? Oh, you can't possibly mean me." Then on the gondola, Andy tries to be her life coach and has to lie to boost her up: "What I really like about you is that you are true to yourself. You're not going to put on a show." No show!? Three words: Star Spangled Banner. When he told her she's doing "A really great job. A good job," I thought I saw him fight the urge to pat her on the head. But then Tina, erupting with passion, explains her objective for the special quality time: "I wanted to move past the gossip and expand on topics that I wanted to talk to him about." There is just something not right with that girl.

I don't have much to say about the one-on-one date, but I will admit - I go back and forth on whether I love Lt Andy Baldwin or hate Lt Andy Baldwin. The fact that he believes cheese fondue is an essential part to a romantic date shows me we could be compatible.

Moving on to the most dramatic part of the evening. Three girls are getting the boot, and the tension in the air is palpable.

Of course, Pole Dancer turns out to be her own worst enemy. Indeed, she threw someone under the bus. Let me assure you - that was not her worst crime. That rag she wore to the rose ceremony was scandalous. And there is no way you can convince me she was not sporting at least half a roll of tape under that thing. She was defying gravity. Other fave pole dancer moments: when she described the relationship between her and Andy as nurturing and the come hither wink as he began to give out the roses. Sorry, honey. Not this time.

I notice Bevin's limp was mysteriously missing when she pole vaulted over all the other girls to get her rose.

And all of a sudden, I was so sorry to see Kate go. I never even noticed her before tonight, but she was great in this episode. She had no intention of marrying Andy, she just wanted to hang around in the beautiful mansion and party. She had nothing to lose, she was on to every one's game, so she just kept saying it like it was. I wish Andy had kept her around as a mole. He could use one. (Obviously, I don't mean the kind littering Pole Dancer's face.)

And I know I thought Nicole was really cute, but that breakdown at the end was hysterical. It just came out of nowhere and she could not control herself! I mean, did she exchange any words with the doc during the entire episode? Why is she so inconsolable?

God bless the exit interviews where the departing girls get to be filmed in their full humiliation. Did anyone notice Stephanie pole dancer's expression when she said that when you care for someone you want them to be happy? Right as she said "happy" her face flinched and I swear I had a flash of her holding a kitchen knife over a bloody cadaver. I think Andy should watch his back. He may find himself on the organ donor list shortly.

Can't wait for next week when Lt Andy Baldwin selects a girl who's family he wants to meet. Oh, PLEASE, please let it be Tina. That kind of psycho doesn't just spring out of nowhere. Her parents must be coo-coo for coco puffs. That meeting would be hilarious.