Who Are You, and What Have You Done With My Wife?

Hello Fans of Joan -

Some of you have asked about how my wife's surgery has changed her, and how the whole event has affected me. It is for these caring souls that I offer a small glimpse into how things have changed since the surgery.

Like the best Lifetime movies, the phone exchanges below are based on actual conversations.

BS (before surgery):

TGV: "Hey, Joanie, how's it going?
JAV: "Good, I gotta call you back, I'm heading to the Economist to present the latest paid search results, and I have to get a latte before I go. When will you be home to cook me dinner?"

AS: (after surgery):

TGV: "Hey, Joanie how's it going?"
JAV: "Well, they haven't given the goods on the Anna baby-daddy yet, they say they're gonna play that close to the vest until Friday. The money is on Birkhead, though. And OK, the doctor on the Bachelor? Whatever, it's a totally cheesy show, but that guy is SO hot. And that crazy girl who sang the Star Spangled Banner? No way she gets a rose. Oh, and they were talking about Imus on "The View" this morning, and that Elizabeth Hasselback, she's SO conservative, she doesn't think he should be fired, she thinks it's perfectly fine to say what he thinks on his own show even if it's offensive. OH - and I heard they are cutting the asking price AGAIN on the Brit/FedEx mansion! Can you believe that? Uh oh, gotta go - Dr. Phil is on, and it's about an alcoholic mother who's pushing her pill-popping anorexic daughter into prostitution to pay for her QVC addiction. When will you be home to cook me dinner?"